Damn that Ghetto Booty

My friends at work started teasing me ever since I started dating Jeff that, now that I "have" a man, I can stop worrying about being "thin". First off, I'm far from "thin", and clothes can hide a great multitude of fright, and secondly, I'd like to "keep" Jeff interested.

The winter months are pretty hard to keep the pounds off. Because of the cold, I can't walk as much on campus, it's harder to work out in the garage, and walking outside is often times impossible or not worth it. Lack of sunlight also decreases motivation, and increases a person's appetite, making it much harder to stick to a balanced diet without diverting one's attention to comfort foods. I have indeed noticed an increase in my mid section, and I'm annoyed to say the least. I actually had to go up a notch on my belt.. thankfully it is only one notch, but still it's one notch in the wrong direction. The fat has to go!

Dad and Joey assembled the elliptical machine the other day, though because of being under the weather, I was too weak to try it out. Dad went on it for two minutes and was winded, which peaked my curiosity. I decided to give it a try today, and thought I was going to have a heart attack after 5 minutes. I literally had to get off the damn machine.

It's a rather awkward style of exercise, like riding a bike while standing. I almost feel as if I'm trying to keep myself standing, and my butt instinctively wants to be sitting, as if riding a bike. After ditching the machine from Hell, I wandered off to watch an episode of Friends, while munching on a bowl of Doritos. After consuming the chips, my mind focused its attention on my pot belly and ghetto booty. I decided to give the elliptical another shot.

I altered my motion on the machine, swaying side to side a bit, almost like skiing, to try and compensate for the odd new type of motion. It seemed to help, as long as I remembered to move like I was skiing, versus just going for a walk. While it made keeping vertical a little easier, I still "felt" the burn in my legs and thighs (which is a good thing!), and my heart rate certainly increased quickly. This too can be seen as a positive thing, since you burn calories when your heart rate increases, and it took me at least 20 minutes on the treadmill to get my heart pumping faster than normal. This time I managed to last 10 minutes before admitting defeat.

I suppose it is something I just have to get used to. After all, when I first bought a bike about two years ago, I was winded just going around the block. After a while of getting used to the exercise, I am now able to go miles. I'm hoping the same thing will apply here.

"Dear God.. If I can't be thin, please make my friends fat!"

Ugh.

Woke up at 6am with a migraine headache. My second one this week. I couldn't even lay on my side, otherwise my eyes would even start to throb... it was as if I could feel my optic nerves throbbing as well. It left me in a little over an hour, though there was still some achiness left. I ended up not going to Mass, which irks me.

I really should go to the doctor, but my schedule this week really sucks, so I will probably use that as an excuse not to go. It will delay me having blood work done as well, which I'm pretty sure they will want to do. I'm hoping this is just a seasonal sinus infection thing, and will work it's way out. I know I should make it my priority to go to the doc, but what I should do, and what I end up doing are usually two different things.

Good Times

I had a Saturday off (actually, I have next weekend off too!!), so I decided to go over to Anne's for a visit. Visiting Anne is usually an all day thing for me, and today was no exception. I stayed for dinner, but left at around 8 (which is early for us) to go visit Jeff.

It was nice to see her again, and spend time with her, but she looks like shit.. to be blunt. She peeled back the bandages from her hand, and I almost vomited on the spot.. which she gets a kick out of. All those stitches! Now she really does look like "Raggedy Anne". She hobbles around with a cane now, like a wind up toy in slow motion. Though, that cane allows her to smack people without even getting up, so it's all good.

I made a cake from a new recipe I found online, and OMG was it good! Anne's daughter in law Mary stopped over, along with her two kids. I haven't seen them in years, and they have both sky rocketed in height since I last saw them. Today was Mary's 50th birthday, so everyone was teasing her for getting old. We offered her a piece of cake, and she informed us that she was on a diet... this woman is a stick, and she's dieting! I felt so fat next to her, I almost didn't have a second piece of cake... almost. Mary's daughter Chelsea gave up all kinds of junk food (with the exception of granola) for lent. My eyes bugged out.. ALL junk food?? Mary told us she grumbles about it too when she gets hungry, so I took the opportunity to point out she makes the sacrifice void if she complains about it. "Remember the Pharisees in the Gospel who wrench their garments and proclaim to the world all their fasts and self sacrifice, I assure you, they have been rewarded already." But then I reassured her I was just envious of her will power, and asked her to pray for me. =-P

Anne and I always seem to get into some sort of "deep theological conversation" when it's just the two of us. I tell ya, for all my own studies and knowledge, I wish I had half the faith that woman has. I have always had an overly questioning mind... over thinking everything from religion to people. Hell, I even question my own questions. Anne is by no means stupid, but has the faith of a child.. something I wish I had.

This & That

Woke up this morning feeling "sick". For whatever reason, I have been waking up feeling really weak, or feel that way by the time I go to bed. It's as if all my mucsles are sore at the same time... and sometimes I get dizzy spells out of no where. Not much fun, but I guess it's part of the seasonal related crap I go through.

The weather was actually nice this morning, and I purposely parked in the furthest lot on campus just so I could enjoy the walk to class. I actually had the window down in the car! yay!!!

Got an e-mail from Anne today. She fell down the steps and can hardly walk now, not to mention has a LOT of stitches in her hand. I plan on calling her tomorrow, and seeing her sometime this week. I feel so bad for her, so much has been going wrong for her lately, physically. She worries me. :-(

Spent the day with Jeff yesterday. I really enjoy spending time with him. Managed to help assemble his new dining room table. I can see he's getting excited about the modifications and improvements he's making to his house. You have to be comfortable in your home, and if it's a mess, or not the way you like it, it can visually stress you out. Is that feng shui??? Anyway, it's nice to watch the transformation, and I'm glad he's getting things the way he wants them. He works his ass off, so when he's home, he should feel like he's home.

The Trip from HELL

Yesterday was a travel nightmare! Here's how I spent my day.

1. Woke up at 4am.. couldn't sleep. Showered and packed for my trip home.
2. Arrived at the airport by 5:30am.
3. Went through security, and was singled out for special security checking. I got a "pat down" (and the guy wasn't even cute), and everything in my carry on and in my pockets was examined, emptied out, and checked. I must have looked like a terrorist.
4. Sat in the airport for over an hour.
5. Took off for Chicago at 7am.
6. Couldn't land in Chicago because of bad weather, had to land in Milwaukee for refueling. Took off AGAIN, and arrived to Chicago an hour late. -- MISSED MY CONNECTING FLIGHT!
7. Arrived in Chicago (finally) at around 10am. Was rebooked onto a flight that took off at 2PM (I was supposed to arrive in Buffalo at 1:30pm).
8. Wandered around the airport aimlessly going though every store at least thrice.
9. Kept calling Mom -- BECAUSE THAT'S HOW BORED I WAS!
10. Plane to Ohio delayed... and delayed.. and delayed... and delayed. The flight that was supposed to leave at 2pm, left at 4:45pm.
11. Was told I was going to miss my third connecting flight from Ohio to Buffalo, and was going to have to spend the night at the airport.... seriously considered walking home!
12. Finally breded my flight to Ohio.
13. Landed in Ohio at 5:50pm -- my flight to Buffalo was due to leave at 6:10pm.
14. RAN from gate 1 to gate 28... and I never run.... I looked like a weeble on crack!
15. Arrived at my gate literally out of breath, only for the lady to tell me the flight was delayed.. an hour or so.
16. Boreded the plane from Cleveland to Buffalo... delayed another 20 minutes for de-icing.
17. Arrived in Buffalo at 8:30pm.

I never want to go on a plane trip again!!!

Minneapolis

So, I made it out here to visit Sean at long last. Still amazed I was able to get here at all, with bad weather, and delayed flights, but here I am!!

It's been rather surreal, but pleasantly relaxing. We ordered a pizza and watched The Golden Girls on DVD last night. How gay is that????? =-P

Today I got to see a little of the city. Minneapolis has this network of connecting walkways that link main buildings of the city so you can get around without having to be exposed to the elements much. Fascinating. I look forward to seeing and doing more.

We went to see Because I Said So at the movies. I loved it, and laughed my ass off. GO SEE IT!! One of the main characters reminded me a lot of Jeff in a few ways.... has me missing him.

My Uncle Joe passed away a little after midnight today. He is survived by his wife of 60 years, Ann, his two sons, Ronald and Joseph, three grandchildren, and three Great-Grandchildren.

I will always remember his kindness, his gentleness, and his great sense of humor. He lived a long and full life, and I am very thankful for the oppotunity to have known him.

Eternal rest grant unto him O Lord, and may perpetual light shine upon him. May he and all the souls of the faithful departed, through the mercy of God, rest in peace. Amen.

We've had some pretty crappy weather the past few days. I didn't think I'd be able to have dinner with Jeff yesterday as planned, but thankfully the snow let up, and I was able to make it. I had a great time, though I'm still suffering from my seasonal sickness, so I was more than content to stay on the couch and watch the movie we had rented.

I was really worried about the weather affecting my plane trip to Minnesota, and once I checked the air lines, my flight out of Buffalo has already been delayed an hour and a half. blah. I'm looking forward to a "vacation", but this seasonal bug I have has left me pretty weak. Poor Sean, he's getting a lethargic house guest. lol

We received a call from one of our relatives in Pa. that my Uncle Joe (Grandma D's brother in law) is now in the care of hospice. He is suffering from the same ailment that Grandma died from, lungs filling with fluid. He has been hospitalized with this problem on and off for years now, and now all they can do is make him comfortable. His kidneys have already begun to shut down.. just as Grandma's did. He will eventually die from too much fluid in the lungs and around the heart.

I know my Aunt Ann is going through a lot, and I really feel for her. They have been married for 60 years, and have had a wonderful relationship. I used to love to watch the two of them bicker with one another.... and yet they never really stayed mad at each other. They always seemed just as in love with each other as when they were first dating... if not more. My favorite line of theirs was "The secret to a lasting marriage is always hold hands. If you are holding each other's hands, you can't beat the crap out of one another!"

The pool of homos in Buffalo is way to "shallow" for my tastes, and I mean that in more ways than one. For the first time ever I thought I had found an exit from all the drama and crap that I find at the bars, and on gay.com -- WRONG! I was just getting ready to let down my guard and ex hale a little, but now we're back to a "red alert"... proceed with caution.

What scares me the most is the two fags I absolutely can't tolerate seem to keep creeping up into my business, either directly or indirectly... and this seems to be no different. I'm getting so sick of even hearing their names... the very mention of them makes me sick, and yet.. there he is!

UGH!!! I have a MASSIVE headache now, and I'm going to bed.

Went to the fire house after work yesterday to visit Jeff. We had dinner together, sampling pizza from a nearby pizza place that opened up... good food. I had a LONG shift at work, starting at 11am and ending at 8pm. I was beat when I got home, but wasn't going to pass up spending some time with Jeff.

I got to meet some of his friends from the fire department. I enjoyed chatting with them, and they had me rolling with laughter. They seem like great people.

I went with Jeff to his house to let his dog Rufus out. This dog is PSYCHO! He was bouncing and running all over the place... a white blurr. He's part boxer and part bull dog... cute combination!! He's cute as hell, but crazy as a loon... we shall get along just fine. =-P

Auto Show

Went with Jeff to the Western New York Auto Show at the Buffalo Convention Center. Met up with a friend of his there, and took a look at what the various car manufacturers have to offer. It was my first time there, and pretty neat. The downside is that I left there REALLY wanting to a buy a new car.

Jeff took a look at some new trucks... must be a firefighter thing. I liked the Chevy Silverado... huge ass truck. Wouldn't mind going for a ride in it, but I'd definitely do major damage to whatever was around me if I ever drove it. There was a Jeep there he was looking at too... a little easier to handle. I got in a Hummer just to see what all the fuss was about.. I still don't get it.

I dragged Jeff over to see the Buick models, as well as Cadillac. The Buick Lucerne is a really nice looking car... I was quite impressed with it, and it lives up to its motto: "Not your father's Buick". I also liked the Cadillac DTS. Finally, Cadillac makes a car I could picture myself driving again... which hasn't been the case since they redesigned their cars in 2000, dropping the D'Elegance look. Anyway, the Cadillac wasn't THAT different from the Lucerne that would make me want to spend the extra $10,000 - $20,000 on.... not that I have ANY money to be pondering new cars anyway.

Poor Jeff survived looking at my Granny cars, and I managed to not scare him off (yet) despite me taste for full size luxury sedans. Mmmmm... leather.....

He was introduced to my parents. Dad didn't say anything, which meant he liked him, because if Dad didn't like him.. then I would have heard about it. Mom asked a lot of questions about him, but summed up her feelings by saying "He seems normal." Toby loved him, and as far as he is concerned, he's a keeper. Toby's opinion is the one that matters so........

I have been tinkering with my bio lab which is due Tuesday. I want to pull my hair out!! I had to e-mail the professor for some clarification, and hope he gets back to me ASAP. Ugh.. I need a vacation.

Fire HOUSE

Celebrated Jason's Birthday yesterday... of course I had to take the opportunity to remind him that he is an old fart. He of course enjoys reminding me that I will be 25 soon, which means I will officially be old in the gay community.

We had a good time mall walking, and had dinner at Jack Astor's. We went back to his apartment where his boy friend Nick met us to have cake and tea. It was fun, and I hope his day was a blast... Jason is one in a million, with a heart of gold... he deserves the absolute best in life!!

Went to the fire HOUSE (I mistakenly called it a fire hall) to visit Jeff last night. It's a neat old building in Medina, about 40 mins from here. Not that hard to get to, and I only got lost once. Thankfully I am the type of guy who doesn't mind asking for directions.... I insist my next car is going to have ONSTAR in it. The fire house is located just off "Main" street. I had to laugh when I got out of the car.. it looked like I just stepped into the ghost town of the "O.K. Coral". I literally expected to see tumble weeds, or in this case snowballs, rolling down the street.

I enjoyed seeing all the photos they have at the house of fires they have gone to over the years... very commendable work. It was neat to see all the patches from various fire houses in western new york hanging on their wall. I was disappointed to see there wasn't one from North Tonawanda, so I intend to get one from Joe to give to the Media Fire Dept. I made sure I picked up one of their patches to give to the North Tonawanda guys as well... and snagged one for myself. =-P

I got the grand tour of the place, which was very impressive. The fire trucks and ambulances were fascinating, and I was drooling over the old architecture of the older section of the building. I met one of the other fire fighters, Brian, who seems like a really great guy, with a wonderful sense of humor. The one thing I was disappointed in was there was no pole in the fire house. I always wanted to slide down one of those poles.. and YES, I am well aware that there was absolutely no way to say that without it sounding kinky. Ha Ha! Anyway, the original pole to the building was damaged in the 1980's, and has since been removed. I was informed that many fire houses don't use them anymore for safety reasons, but I always wanted to try sliding down one like they do in the movies. (again, insert sexual chuckle here)

Jeff...

Met up with Jeff at the Galleria today. Been hitting that mall up a lot recently. With the really cold weather, it's a nice place to go and walk around since being outdoors for too long is OUT OF THE QUESTION.

I really enjoyed my time with him. I made yet another visit to the Cheesecake Factory, and this time had lunch. Food was great, and so was the company. Jeff has studied these blog entries as well as my myspace page, and seems to enjoy catching me off guard with facts about my life that he has learned about from these sources. He amazes me at the little shit he remembers, while I am lucky if I can recall where I parked my car.

He is extremely goal oriented, and quite the hard worker. Only two years older than myself, he has accomplished a great deal (in my opinion). While I was amazed and impressed at his accomplishments, it certainly had me feeling at a loss, being stuck in educational and career limbo.

It was very refreshing to meet someone of his caliber, and I look forward to seeing him again.

So congrats Jeff... you got your very own blog entry right off the bat! =-P

Lust and Love

I have been doing a lot of thinking about gay "relationships".. how they work, how they don't work.. or perhaps how they don't even really exist. A lot of this thought process is coming from my own personal experiences and observations, as well as conversing with others, in addition to the fascinating works of research I am reading.

At Mass today, I noticed a woman whom I had frequently seen at my other parish where I was a server. She used to attend weekly with her husband. Though I rarely spoke with them, our few conversations were always pleasant, and they were both very kind people. I approached this woman after Mass and re-introduced myself to her. I asked how her husband was doing, and was saddened to hear that he passed away in December (she lost her sister and her husband within two weeks of each other). I offered her my condolences, as was saddened to hear of his death, though it was not a shock.. he was quite frail the last time I saw them about three years ago.

I was always touched by the love those two expressed for each other, and it again brought up the concept of gay relationships. I think so often (more so than not), gay men get overly obsessed with physical attraction and physical responses. There is a huge emphasis placed on youthfulness, body shape, muscle tone.. etc. My friend Dave reminds me constantly of the gay man's unending quest for the "perfect" gay boi toy... so often confusing lust for love.. two words which are NOT interchangeable, but in some men's minds become just that. So focused on carnal feelings, his mind and heart experience a never ending roller coaster of ups and downs... for when a man seeks out a companion purely based on physical attraction, he will never find himself satisfied.

I watched this couple together in their old age, and how they treated one another. Both in their late 70's, and he in very poor health, they were both very attentive to the other's needs.. though I could tell she was the primary care taker because she was more mobile and stronger than he. Their youthful looks had long faded, though a sense of beauty which is the human spirit, always remained on their faces. One would assume that the carnal passions between them had burned out, or perhaps was a mere flicker compared to decades ago. While carnal sexual desires may have been calmed, their overwhelming love for each other seemed to always grow. I have seen this to be true in many older couples. While people can (and I'm sure many do) have enjoyable sexual relations well into old age, it becomes overwhelmingly clear that it is not the focal point of their lives, and certainly not what brings joy to their hearts and "souls".

I think this is what worries me most about being gay.. the thought that gay men "can't" love like that. I have heard countless opinions of gay men from across the age and social spectrum that men are inherently programed to "spread their seed as much as possible", and that man is the only species that chooses a monogamous life mate (and that, it is argued, is because of social and religious pressures and ideals). I have given this a lot of thought as well. Humans are also the only species to laugh and truly feel humor or laughter. This is not imposed on us by any social or institutional thinking. Could we not look at our understanding of love and commitment in the same way? That we have a higher level of comprehension that animals lack? Perhaps we are set apart from other animals in our understanding of what can be. Animals seem to know love as a strongly carnal instinct, or at its highest point for them, a platonic relationship. Humans are capable of so much more.. yet we find ourselves downgrading such thoughts and feelings. It is notable to mention that the same men who have conversed with me about how absurd the concept of monogamy is, have often shown themselves to be very lonely individuals much of the time.

I am not advocating chastity until "marriage", or until one finds a life partner. I would surely be a hypocrite if I were. I see nothing wrong with occasional sexual experiences between two consenting adults.. after all, there is a carnal need in us, and it fills that carnal bodily desire (should be choose to). To keep things in perspective however, humans feel the bodily need for food, as expressed in hunger. While it is ok to indulge in McDonald's and Burger King, and enjoy the immediate satisfaction and taste of "fast food"... how much more satisfied are we when we have a REAL meal with our loved ones? A nutritious, well cooked meal prepared by or for someone we love?

I find myself growing tired of the "tv dinners" and "fast food" sexual fixes (to use the analogy above), and find myself more and more starving for the real meat and potatoes of life, and sharing that life with someone. Lust can surely be part of the equation, but it is not the solution.

This and That

Spent a good chunk of the day yesterday with Jason.. and enjoyed it. He stayed for dinner, and since Mom and Dad went out to eat, we made sandwiches and I made fries in the over.. I can cook just like my Momma. lol

We went out to Fugazi's for a drink.. just the two of us to get out and have a drink. We're both dealing with stress and a seasonal sense of "blahness".. though I must admit, he has a lot more on his plate than I do. Because of the poor weather, the bars were quite empty.. but still made for good conversation, and people watching.

My appetite has been out of control lately. I don't know what the hell is wrong with me. I even tried a "diet pill" which was supposed to curb my appetite.. but I actually think it makes me more hungry. Perhaps it's the lack of sunlight which allows our bodies to make energy, maybe it's the cold... whatever.. but I feel like I'm in withdrawal. I've been grabbing for fruit to try and at least make healthy snack choices but.. damn!!