Tuesday, July 31, 2007
It's always great getting together with friends, and talking and laughing the night away. It's even better when the evening is spent spending time with your closest and dearest friends. We didn't leave until after 11pm, and the night just flew by. I'm very fortunate to have Anne and Jason in my life.. and it's fantastic that they too have become good friends. People like that are a once in a lifetime find.
Jason and I will be taking a road trip to Plains/Wilkes Barre Pa to visit my great Aunt Ann. I had to miss my family reunion this summer, and really wanted to go down and visit Aunt Ann, and my Aunt Mary who is turning 90 this September. I do have a few relatives down there, and it will be nice to see them, some of whom I haven't seen since my Grandma's funeral.
In fact, I haven't been down to visit Grandma's home town since she was alive. It's something I have been putting off since she passed. I still think of it as her home, and it will be very painful to go there without her... the house she grew up in, and trip she looked forward to so much each year. It will be hard.. one last place in my life where I have to get used to grandma being gone.
Thursday, July 26, 2007
Tuesday, July 24, 2007
Saturday, July 21, 2007
My folks are gone to a wedding out of town for a weekend, and Kristy and Scott are both in bed.. which is where I should be, but don't see that happening until my sleeping pill kicks in. All I can hear right now is the click click click of my keyboard, and the water pouring from my fountain.
This week has been a very long week, starting with my parents Anniversary, and has been a slow mental decent for me. I'm so tired from summer classes, and the everyday crap that goes on at home and at work. I guess I'm just in a funk... not because of some kind of clinical depression, but... well... can't it just be "because"?
There are times where I am on top of the world.. center stage.. making everyone laugh... the life of the party. And yet, even when you're on top of the world, it's easy to get lonely. I don't NEED someone to make my life worth wild, but it would be nice to HAVE someone around... someone who wanted to know how my day was, someone to do things with, be a partner, and someone to cuddle up with when the day is done. Every now and then I'll catch myself reaching over in the bed only to remember there's no one there.
It's not easy always being the single guy at a family function. I felt it again at the Anniversary party. I don't even have any stories to share about dating... everyone has heard them a million times before.... my dates have been so few and far between.
Summer times makes me think of Chuck.. a lot. My first relationship. I met him in May, was in my glory most of the summer, but by fall wanted out so badly. I miss what we did together, and how I felt, but I don't miss him.. or what it turned into. No scars there, just a learning point of what not to do. Life just seemed a bit more.. special.. when I had someone to "come home to".
The few random people I met along the way... hoping something would work out, but it never did. Wondering if I wore different clothes, or maybe had a smaller waist line if I'd have a chance. Maybe if I wasn't so opinionated, maybe if I drove a "cooler" car.. who knows. To try is to fail.
I miss the phone calls I used to get from Jeff. I miss driving out to see him, and spending time with him at the fire station. I remember how excited I would get when I would see anything that reminded me of a fireman, and the sense of pride I had at his passion for such a noble job. Now I feel a sharp pain when I see something related to that field. A reminder of something else I probably botched up for being me. "He doesn't know what he's missing" is the standard response. "He found something better." is what I hear in my mind. I try to be friends, but it hurts to even see his name among the many others in my cell phone. -- I can't play the game everyone else does.. putting him down, making him out to be some kind of monster. I just can't. I prefer to try and bury the feelings and let them die... but that hole is too deep to fill just yet.
I'm already turning into my mother's escort. The one that goes with her to family functions when my father can't go... the one that makes her look good, and keeps her company when the other guests are busy else where. When did I become Aunt Kathy? Living vicariously though others... watching our siblings live the life we dreamed.
Friday, July 20, 2007
Ok.. as dumb as this video is, we used to sing this song in my second grade class. Good ole' Mrs. Piskor. I NEVER forgot this song.. in fact, I sing it every now and then.
I had no idea Burl Ives sang it. This video doesn't play the whole song, but I was excited to stumble across it none the less.
Wednesday, July 18, 2007
This is the first time every that I bought Joey a birthday gift... in fact, it was the first time ever he wished me a Happy Birthday. Though there is still a lot in our past, and uneasiness between us, time and distance (not living in the same house) is starting to heal the wounds. Joe is obsessed with the movie A Christmas Story, and being a huge fan of the 1940's, I too love this film for it's cultural value. So, it's an interest we share. He has been collecting everything he can from the movie from action figures, to village pieces, to a mini leg lamp he keeps in his office. I found a miniature replica of the "Little Orphan Annie" decoder pin as was used in the movie. It was rather a cheap copy, so I promised him when I found a real one on ebay, I will pick it up for him. Alone with the pin he got a container of "rich chocolaty" Ovaltine. He loved it.
My parents gave him a cool present from Disney World. It was a figurine of Mickey shaking hands with a firefighter. I thought it was so neat. In fact, Joe is hoping to get the results of his state firefighter exam today. I have been praying so hard he gets it. There are many things I wouldn't recommend my brother for, but when it comes to his genuine passion for that career, I can't think of a better man for the job. Despite my not-so-good experience with firemen, Joe does make me proud of the work he does.
On Monday, we celebrated my Mom and Dad's 30th Wedding Anniversary, which is Joe's birthday, and would have been my Grandfather's birthday. My Aunt arranged for us to meet them out at The Red Mill Inn for a surprise dinner. Mom and Dad thought that they were just meeting my Aunt and Uncle, and when they arrived, the found their children, and three of the closest friends waiting for them there. So, we all had dinner and cake at the restaurant, and it turned out to be a very nice evening.. despite the fact that the food was really quite awful.
Anniversaries and weddings get me rather emotional on the inside... for reasons I'm sure faithful readers of this blog can already guess. Joe took the occasion to remind me that I will be like our Dad's oldest sister who never married (though she is now engaged to a rather pitiful man who she seems to be marrying out of sheer loneliness). Some how, I know I'll end up the old man living alone in the big old house where kids are afraid to go up to on Halloween. Oh well.. more candy for me then.
came into town this week. He is now teaching in An old friend of mine who went to high school and NCCC with me, as well as worked at WalmartLas Vegas. He came over for a visit last night, and we went out to lunch this afternoon down by the river. I think I've spent more time with him in the past 24 hours than I have in the past 5 years. Ha Ha. It's nice catching up with him, and remembering all the stories from high school we have forgotten. Especially the time I got our papers torn up in junior year Spanish for copying his answers (ironic because he was the one always copying from me). He now laughs at how furious he was, and how hysterical I thought the whole situation was. Good times.
Saturday, July 14, 2007
Friday, July 13, 2007
People always seem to be fumbling with whether or not someone is right for them. I get asked my opinion about this at work all the time. There is the old saying about people "looking right on paper". Why don't we all do that once in a while and sit down and spell out exactly what we are looking for? If you're someone like me who gets a boy friend once every blue moon in a leap year, you may forget what it is you're looking for. Oh, and do yourself a favor, don't write down physical expectations... I've surprised myself at some of the guy's my tongue has fallen out for.
I already concede I am attracted to the type of man I will never be able to hang onto. I always feel as if I'd be settling for someone when I meet the type of guys who seem to be interested in me. In fact, only twice in my life can I honestly say I was in LOVE with someone... and both were love at first sight. The first was someone I knew for a long time, and I would have given everything I had to be with him. All I can say about that is "some of God's greatest gifts are unanswered prayers"! The second was someone I knew for a relatively short time. In both cases, love turned out to be a painful experience, and the wounds still sting on occasion.
I have to be honest with myself, I need a strong guy. I'm not talking JUST physically, (though I do prefer them same size or "larger" build than myself), but emotionally and mentally. In my family, I grew up quick. I was the strong one in many circumstances.. the care taker, the rock. I need someone who can walk on his own two feet, knows where he is going in life, has a purpose, and doesn't need me to lift him up all the time. A man with a backbone, a sense of humor, and a level of sarcasm that can keep up with mine. I need a guy that if I need to be a wreck for a while, will be there for ME, and give me the open arms when the time comes.
My family is very opinionated, and even judgmental. I need a guy who I don't have to worry will stroke out at a family event, or go running because someone was picking on him. He needs to be able to stand up for himself and be able to fire comments right back. A guy who will dance with me at a wedding and not worry if people are starring, or hold me at a funeral and not be afraid of what people will say.
Some how, I always end up with a following of men who are as big around their waste as I am around my pinkie finger... have airy voices, and swish when then walk. Are as fragile as fine porcelain, and lacking nerve. The young men who need a mentor, a guidance counselor, a therapist, someone to tell them what to do because life is too hard.. A teacher, not a partner.
Where is the guy that can equal my strengths and will, or even surpass it? The man who can keep up with my dry sense of humor, and cut me down when I need it instead of crying?
I'm thinking I have a long wait ahead of me.
Wednesday, July 11, 2007
It was worth the frantic drive down there (to not be late), and the stiff neck. It was an awesome movie!!!!! They left out a lot of detail from the book, naturally, to save on time... but did manage to include all the good stuff. It amazes me how much the the movies portray locations, characters, and scenery the way I pictured them in my mind when I read the books initially.
The fight scene between Dumbledore and Voldemort was amazing, and made it worth the price of admission. I'm so psyched now for the next book to come out... and a little bummed that it will be the last book in the series.
Yes.. I am a geek and I fully admit it!
Tuesday, July 10, 2007
Sunday, July 8, 2007
After cake, about 10 of us got together to play Catch Phrase. It's similar to the old Pyramid game show where one person on your team has the name of some person, object, or saying, and has to give you clues to figure out what it is before the buzzer sounds. My sister in law and little brother had us rolling on the floor laughing with their blunders. Katie's hint for one was "The big ape who climbed on top of the building. The scary movie...." Everyone kept guessing King Kong, but when she said "no, the other one.." I knew right away that she had the wrong movie, and kept laughing until her team's time was up. She was going for "Godzilla".
Scott's was the best. His descriptions was, "She was the black woman who wrote that book... you know, that book about her life." Well, everyone was guessing Oprah, Harriet Tubman, some even said Rosa Parks. No one on either team could guess who he was referring to. When the buzzer sounded he finally told us... "Anne Frank!" All of us almost fell off our chairs laughing.
Saturday, July 7, 2007
I had a wonderful day thanks in large part to my good friends. It started with a trip to the Taste of Buffalo with Nick and Jason.. and all the trip was on them. We had a great time, and all sampled in the various foods that local Buffalo restaurants have to offer. I gladly indulged in three wine slushies which made the day even better!
Uncle Vinny took my mother and I to Condrell's on Delaware in Kenmore for some ice cream. Mom and I both had no fat - no sugar sundaes, otherwise known as "what's the point?". I was bombarded with an array of greetings via text message from my family and friends throughout the day as well... even from my older brother who has never wished me a Happy Birthday (that I can recall).
The day ended with a WONDERFUL dinner with Jason at my dear friend Bobby's home. He made my favorite meal... meatloaf!!! We had drinks and homemade apple pie for desert. It was a blast to spend time with them... and everything was cooked to perfection, as always!
Much to my great surprise I even got a birthday greeting from Jeff... which shocked the Hell out of me. I'm weird when it comes to ex boyfriends, and am one of those people who, like Miranda from Sex in the City, prefers to shake hands, walk away and pretend the other person doesn't exist. It was very kind of him to remember me, and was nice chatting with him via AOL instant messenger.
Good people make a big difference in life, and my friends and family certainly made this day a wonderful celebration for me. I'm fortunate to have real friends such as Bobby, Jason, and Anne who make everyday a celebration, and a sincere joy to have them in my life.
Thanks everyone for making my transition into old age as painless as possible.
Wednesday, July 4, 2007
On Saturday, July 7th.. at some time in the wee hours of the morning (my mom will remember the exact time), I will be turning 25. I'm going to be a quarter century old! Holy shit that sounds nuts doesn't it??
In the gay world, I might as well be dead. I totally missed out on being the hot "boi", or the skinny "twink". I just couldn't pull that off. The sexy college guy thing is pretty much over once you get to grad school... so now I'm just "old". Around 30 I might be able to pull off that slightly older cute guy thing... but I doubt it. Ha Ha!
"I think my biggest problem is being young and beautiful. Oh, I've been beautiful, and God knows I've been young, but never the two have met." - Torch Song Trilogy
Nick and Jason are taking me to the Taste of Buffalo, and treating me to a sampling of local cuisine. After that will be "cake" at the house with my family, and then dinner at Bobby's. Yes, I have awesome friends!
I will miss Anne and Vince's birthday phone call where they both sing "Happy Birthday" to me over the phone. Their granddaughter is being buried the day before, and they will be in Texas. My heart is breaking for them. I wish I could call her to let her know I'm thinking about her, and send her some support.
This will also be my first birthday without any grandparents. I remember last year grandpa gave me an envelope with some money in it (they stopped cards years ago), and on the front wrote "Happy Birthday Mikey. Love Grams and Gramps"... he had still signed her name to it. I don't think there will ever be enough time to pass that I don't miss them just as much as they day they died.
As the day steadily approaches, I have been bitching a lot (me? Bitch?? naw....) about hitting the quarter century mark, and the fact I was still single. It eventually did dawn on me how truly fortunate I am. I am rather healthy, I have a job (even if it doesn't pay well, it is something and gives me insurance), I have a reliable car, a place to live, with some space of my own, a good family, and a handful of wonderful friends like Jason, Anne, and Bobby who are always there for me. I got through my under grad unscathed, and am progressing through grad school one step at a time. I might not be exactly where I had planned to be at 25 when I was in high school... but I can handle that.
Monday, July 2, 2007
These were and are the selves from hell. Even my father has not seen such a messed up bracket system before. The screws are smaller than standard (which means we can't find replacement screws that will fit into the holes/brackets of the shelves), and the anchors turned out to be useless. After a trip to the hardware store, some cursing, a big mess, and a lot of frustration, Jason managed to get one of the selves up (I admit.. I didn't help at all). The one shelf is up, and the second shelf will have to wait for when Jason can pick up some other piece of hardware that will magically fix this mess (thank God he knows what the heck he's doing). So I have two rather large holes in my wall (which if we don't use I will simply cover up with the shelf and forget they exist), and a shelf lying on the floor. It is taking all the will power in the world not to give into my OCD and to take the whole damn thing to Lowe's, hand it to a worker and say "MAKE IT WORK!" On top of that.. my paranoia is telling me that the other shelf will come crashing down any minute and destroy everything below it.
Jason left here to go out with his boyfriend, but I'm thinking after what I put him through.. he went straight for a bar.
Nothing is ever easy for me. Even those products that say "a child can do it" require me to seek professional help.
Sunday, July 1, 2007
Go me! =-P
"31 year old, good looking in Kenmore... looking for a LTR.. feel free to hit me up for chat." translates to: "Here we have a genuine homosexual male from our Desperate Treasures Collection. We are offering him today at the introductory low price of only $19.99. Be sure to use or automated ordering, and ask about our easy pay feature."