It's 2:17AM, and I'm not tired enough to go to bed, and don't have the energy to go for a walk. There's nothing good on tv, I've read and re-read every blog I follow, and gay.com is.. well, crap.
My folks are gone to a wedding out of town for a weekend, and Kristy and Scott are both in bed.. which is where I should be, but don't see that happening until my sleeping pill kicks in. All I can hear right now is the click click click of my keyboard, and the water pouring from my fountain.
This week has been a very long week, starting with my parents Anniversary, and has been a slow mental decent for me. I'm so tired from summer classes, and the everyday crap that goes on at home and at work. I guess I'm just in a funk... not because of some kind of clinical depression, but... well... can't it just be "because"?
There are times where I am on top of the world.. center stage.. making everyone laugh... the life of the party. And yet, even when you're on top of the world, it's easy to get lonely. I don't NEED someone to make my life worth wild, but it would be nice to HAVE someone around... someone who wanted to know how my day was, someone to do things with, be a partner, and someone to cuddle up with when the day is done. Every now and then I'll catch myself reaching over in the bed only to remember there's no one there.
It's not easy always being the single guy at a family function. I felt it again at the Anniversary party. I don't even have any stories to share about dating... everyone has heard them a million times before.... my dates have been so few and far between.
Summer times makes me think of Chuck.. a lot. My first relationship. I met him in May, was in my glory most of the summer, but by fall wanted out so badly. I miss what we did together, and how I felt, but I don't miss him.. or what it turned into. No scars there, just a learning point of what not to do. Life just seemed a bit more.. special.. when I had someone to "come home to".
The few random people I met along the way... hoping something would work out, but it never did. Wondering if I wore different clothes, or maybe had a smaller waist line if I'd have a chance. Maybe if I wasn't so opinionated, maybe if I drove a "cooler" car.. who knows. To try is to fail.
I miss the phone calls I used to get from Jeff. I miss driving out to see him, and spending time with him at the fire station. I remember how excited I would get when I would see anything that reminded me of a fireman, and the sense of pride I had at his passion for such a noble job. Now I feel a sharp pain when I see something related to that field. A reminder of something else I probably botched up for being me. "He doesn't know what he's missing" is the standard response. "He found something better." is what I hear in my mind. I try to be friends, but it hurts to even see his name among the many others in my cell phone. -- I can't play the game everyone else does.. putting him down, making him out to be some kind of monster. I just can't. I prefer to try and bury the feelings and let them die... but that hole is too deep to fill just yet.
I'm already turning into my mother's escort. The one that goes with her to family functions when my father can't go... the one that makes her look good, and keeps her company when the other guests are busy else where. When did I become Aunt Kathy? Living vicariously though others... watching our siblings live the life we dreamed.
No comments:
Post a Comment