BUILD A BEAR!!!

I FINALLY got a build a bear today!!!

I was woken up out of bed by the sound of my AIM going off. I couldn't imagine who would have the nerve to wake me up... it was Jason. lol He invited me out to lunch with his brother over at Red Robin, so we met up there and had a bite to eat. Afterwards we went out to the Galleria Mall to the Build a Bear workshop.

He and I have been kinda down lately, with school work and the fact that we are both at the ages we are, and making shit money.. and living in our parent's homes. So what would make us feel better? Spending money we don't have on stuff we don't need! Woot!! Good times!! =-P

We built a bear for each other, which were to be a representation of ourselves. We had a good time making them.. even though Jason will never admit to that. I "made" him a butterscotch colored bear wearing a blue polo, khaki pants, sketchers sneakers, and a blue cap. His name is Bingles (the second Bingles bear I have given to a friend). Jason picked out a forest black bear, with army cammies, and beret... along with combat boots. His name is Sgt. JJ. They turned out really nice... and Sgt. JJ and I already took a nap together. LOL Yes.. we are gay.. very very gay. They're cute symbols of friendship... and nice reminders (and huggable reminders) of the friends you have on days when you feel so alone.

Proof that gay people aren't nice.

Proof that gay people arent very nice:

[1] If you're more attractive than someone, they will hate you.
[2] If you're less attractive than someone, they won't talk to you.
[3] If you're just as attractive as someone, they'll steal your boyfriend.

CHEESECAKE FACTORY!!

Jason and I went to the Galleria Mall to do some mall walking. We ended up at the new Cheesecake Factory restaurant, which I had never visited before. We went for "lunch" but ended up having desert instead. I ordered their chocolate layer truffle cake. OMG was it HUGE!!!! I thought I could polish the whole thing off, but Jason ended up having some to take home... and for me to leave left overs... that should tell ya how big it was!!! I like to think the mall walking helped burn some calories, but just in case, I did an 80 minute power walk on the treadmill. =-P

We had a good time going in and out of the stores, looking at things we don't need, can't afford, or both. We did find one or two good buys each at JC Penneys in the 75% off section. LOL. Yea, we poor. I finally convinced Jason to go with me into the build a bear workshop. He hates that place. I told him I want an army bear for valentine's day (he was in the army), but he gave me one of those looks like if he squinted a little harder.. I'd have a massive stroke and die. I don't think I'm getting the bear.

On the way back he showed me a house in Cheektavegas that he ponders getting. It's an all brick two family home in a decent neighborhood. I fell in love with it... and at $40,000 it's not a bad deal. I have no idea how he could swing getting it, but I too fell into the trap of dreaming of what it would be like to move out of my parent's house. We both agree that we'd be very happy getting a two family together.. he would live upstairs, and I would live downstairs. Now if only we had the money to make that happen. Grr... Oh well, it was a nice day dream.

To sleep per chance to deam...

Sleep is not something I have had much of lately. For whatever reason, I have a horrible time falling asleep. I usually don't even try to sleep until around 2AM. Until then, I'm just puttering around trying to make myself sleepy. If I wasn't so damn broke, I'd buy a sleep aid. Even once I do fall asleep, I wake up often during the course of the night, and it takes me a while to fall back asleep... not to mention I mostly have nightmares anymore. Needless to say, I'm not very refreshed in the morning when I do crawl out of bed.

Class was boring as hell today. Not much about the lecture seemed to make sense. I was thrilled when it was over.

Walking to and from class was miserable. It is FREEZING out, so every bit of exposed skin froze. Ugh.. winter at UB. Not so good times. lol

Clerical Fasion on the runways??

When I read the article Gorgeous Georg's priestly chic inspires a new Versace show I was over come with laughter. Clerical garb making its way to the fashion run way??? That couldn't be right.

While I have always enjoyed the look of clerical garb, and applaud Holy Father Benedict's efforts to bring back some of the long lost papal fashions, I am some what unnerved by the idea of lay people wearing clerical styled clothes. I guess it's ok for some basic designs (like the cassock style coat from the Matrix, or even the collar style of the Marine's dress blues), but still, it's funny, and odd to think of the Vatican as inspiration for top lay designers.

This and That

Kristy has surprised us all by showing interest in joining the army. Mom is a wreck about it, I'm supportive, but feel she doesn't have all the facts. We can't get a straight answer out of her as to why she wants to join, and for anyone who knows my sister, no one could picture Miss. Priss in the army. Seriously, it's down right comical. BUT, she intends to enlist after her birthday in August. I will support her, but she better know what she's in for... there's a lot the recruiters don't tell you. I think it has to do with her ex who is in the army. Mom and other family members want her to consider other branches of the armed forces so she hopefully won't see combat with everything in Iraq. The Marines of course is discouraged more than the army.. they're just nuts.

I'm puttering along with class, and it doesn't seem like it will be TOO bad. We got our first lab assignment today, and I have to do all of it at home. It seems manageable.. just different from what I am used to.

Doing my best to plan a trip to Minnesota to visit Sean for a weekend. Trying to swing the airfare, and plan time off from work to make it happen.. but would love a get away, even a short one. Sean is a great guy, and it would be wonderful to spend some time with him... in person. Why is it all the great guys live else where, or aren't ready for a relationship? I always miss the boat. lol

Joe and Katie moved into -what was Grandma's house- this past weekend. I went over Sunday evening after dinner to see it. As I went into my bathroom to wash my face before leaving, I broke down in tears. I didn't expect it to happen, but it did. It was another nail in their coffins so to speak... their house was now someone else's, and for the first time in 30 years, it was now COMPLETELY different. It just hit me like a ton of bricks. The house is looking very good though, and I really enjoyed visiting my sister in law Katie. I look forward to seeing it later this week or next week when the kitchen and bathrooms are done.

Russian Cartoons...

A friend of mine (from Russia) sent me this link of a Russian cartoon. You don't need to speak Russian to understand it.. watch the whole thing, and pay attention to what's going on. It's so odd it's hillarious!

Cartoon

"Bridge Syndrome"

Yup.. it happened. Enough said.

Funniest thing I heard today....

From the Ellen Show:

On the phone from Texas, 88 year old Gladas: "Ya know honey, I love Jesus but I drink a little..." "I don't like to travel far anymore because you know you'll get in trouble just for having a little bit of Listerine."

Another change

Joe and Katie are planning on moving into Grandma's house on Saturday. There is still much work to be done, including the bathrooms and kitchen being finished. As I was told though, the painting was done, as well as all the carpeting.

I haven't been in the house since November, and have been avoiding going over there. After going for a hair cut, I decided to go over to the house since I knew no one would be there. I still have my house key. I walked in still expecting to smell her banana cake, and see her at the table. That house is SO different now.. which is of course a good thing.

I had mixed emotions as I went through the house quietly, by myself. I saw the rooms in a way I had never seen them before. That house looked the same since it was built. It was a big deal on the very rare occasion she bought a new couch, or moved a piece of furniture. Everything from the rugs to the canisters on the kitchen counter were always the same. That house was my sanctuary, and now it's so radically different. It's odd, there are still signs of the former owners in the house... like Grandma's home still exists under the paint and new rugs, pieces of that past still peaking out into the present.

As I walked through the house, I was not only looking for what had been updated, I was looking for Grandma. I didn't stay long, and as I closed and locked the front door, it really sank in.. It's Joe's house now.

Nothing Specific...

I started back to school today. I'm only taking one class this semester, which will hopefully fulfill all the pre-reqs needed to begin the certification program. It is a science class, and although it is a 100 level course, it seems to be rather complex. It should be called Intro to Anatomy and Physiology... since that seems to be the bulk of the course. In addition to lectures and exams, it consists of three labs given throughout the semester which weigh heavily into the grade, and are rather tedious and advanced work for a "non science major" class. While it is somewhat daunting, and will prove to be a challenge, since it is my only class, I will able able to devote much more time to it. From glancing at the syllabus, somethings from high school biology, and some psych classes I took in college are starting to come back to me.. so I will have some background in it.

Some members of my family from my maternal grandma's side had a medallion minted to commemorate out family. We have had annual family reunions for over 40 years, and the family has grown quite large since my great grandparents came to America back in the 20's from Italy. It's a nice design with all the family names listed on it. It's amazing to see all the different ethnicities and backgrounds now depicted with this originally all Italian family. We now have Austrian, Irish, Polish, Jewish, Slavic, German, and Sicilian names in our family. Another neat part of this medallion is that they all have a number stamped into it, signifying the owner's birth order into the family, or their order at the time they married into the family. My mother for example was the 22nd descendant of Bridget and Ottone, while I am the 60th. Quite fascninating. On the front of the medallion is the outline of the keystone (symbol of Pennsylvania) and the name of the town my family grew up in, and where the reunions are still held. In the center of the keystone are the American and Italian flags crossed, with the Italian saying (translated here in English) "One family always" inscribed overhead. It's a wonderful family keepsake, and it was all engineered and paid for by a handful of relatives. Pretty neat.

I've been feeling rather "blah" lately, wondering if it's only tied into the lack of sunlight, or perhaps something more. We lost power yesterday because of the ice "storm", and it was FREEZING for a few hours. I was very content to stay in bed till after 1PM. I forced myself to get my ass on the treadmill today and keep moving, I don't want to get into a permanent slump. I think part of this has to do with the fact my hours were cut back at work, as this is the slow time of the year for us. My already small income has decreased, and doesn't give me much to use to pay for me to get out of the house. Bah!

I've been doing a lot of reminiscing lately as well, going over old albums I have from the past four or five years. I can't help but remember all the people I have lost over the years, either through death or a mutual falling out and parting of the ways. It's the people who are still alive I miss the most because I know they are still out there... only we have (mostly they have) chosen to move on without me in their lives. I especially think of Ruth from my old parish, and the amount of time we spent together, and the bonds we had forged over the years. Others come to mind as well, equally as strong. Though there is a lot of bitterness and hurt there, I have to admit that some love remains. No matter what happens, or how much two people turn against each other, can you ever REALLY stop loving someone completely?? I think if the love was there once, it remains, at least in part. It can be painful, but I have learned that you really do learn from pain, and it teaches you to (hopefully) not make the same mistakes over and over again.

Where's my drink?!?

I got a text message from Dave yesterday afternoon telling me he had sold a car.. his first in his new job at a local dealership. For some reason I was excited.. more so than he was. LOL

We texted back and forth all day, which was nice for me because work was rather slow, and we were actually over staffed. After work I went home for a quick shower and a change of clothes, and went over to Bobby's for dinner with him and Dave. Good food as usual. Dave was insistent on going out for a drink.. I wasn't much in the mood for it, and Bobby was too tired to make the trip out. I would have preferred to have stayed at Bob's, but I ended up at Cathode with Dave. It was ok, and I got to see a few people whom I hadn't seen in a long time, and met a few guys I only knew from the chat room. It was too crowded and loud to really enjoy myself, but watching the people there was funny as hell.

There was one guy I knew of from the chat room, and only met once a summer or two ago. I always thought he was VERY good looking... most people do. I hadn't seen him in a year since he doesn't live in the area. He was at the bar last night.. wearing pajama pants, and a muscle shirt. He was trashed, and looked stoned out of his mind.. he was actually being held up! What really surprised me about watching him was that he had lost a lot of the definition he had in his arms, and even had a small "gut" on him (as pointed out by others). Still good looking, but the whole site of him stumbling around as if he was going to puke in his pj's was rather pathetic. Really, what it showed me was that even the best looking guys can't fight time, and can't live like a 16 year old forever. At the age of 25, you could tell his body and age were catching up with him.. and he looked like an old has-been (again, a comment I heard repeatedly, though not necessarily my opinion)... a former party boi, now being talked about as a washed up drunk. I'm not writing this to pass judgement, but it was proof to me that gay men can't put much stock in looks and good times... it's a very short lived life.

I managed to get Dave to come with me to Fugazi, which is my bar of choice. It's much cleaner and nicer looking than Cathode. It was still rather busy, but we found a table, and I was FINALLY able to have a drink... and actually be able to converse with Dave. He's a good guy who needs a mega shot of self confidence. There is a lot in him that reminds me of myself, and as a result, I feel comfortable with him. We had a nice night together, and despite the crowds, it was nice to get out and be seen.

Spent most of the day hanging out with Dave. We started off shopping for shirts and ties for him to wear to work, which he starts tomorrow. He's gonna look so cute in his new big-boy clothes! =-P We went to the Gelleria Mall and went mall walking for quite some time, and did lunch at Jack Astor's. I enjoy spending time with him... he has an interesting personality, and is rather different from the typical gay men out there... which is very refreshing.

We hung out at my place afterwards, and had dinner here. Watched the movie The Manequine, a classic 80's flick. Gotta love Estelle Getty in that movie! Hadn't watched it in a while and we laughed our asses off.

A Mean People

Through my reading of gay history, I was amazed at the sense of commoradory or even brotherhood that homosexual men felt for one another at the turn of the 20th century. A century later, we are more visible, less ostracized, and yet we are down right hostile to each other. It seems the more society started to accept us and tone it's anger down, the more we turned on ourselves.

Maybe it is just a Buffalo phenomina, but from my conversations with other gay men from across the country, I don't think so. Gay men seem to go out of their ways to hurt another person when they get upset. Whether it be a break up or a simple falling out, they pull out all the stops to inflict as much emotional damage as they can do.

Seeing as gay communities are rather small, and with the advent of chat room such as gay.com, a lot of people know each other. When a dispute errupts between two people, it doesn't take long for everyone else to hear the saga, and start playing sides. It can even turn into a popularity contest, to see who has the most supporters, and who can turn the most people against the other. Let the backstabbing and hair pulling begin!

I've been talking with a few guys who are going through break ups, and holy shit it's unbelievable. This crap would put a soap opera to shame! Even in my own experience with the ending of friendships... it doesn't end with a simple "goodbye"... it's KILL KILL KILL... and the war never ends. People have even gone so far as to inform other guys that I am a "druggie" to help persuade them not to hang out with me. Really, it's sad.

I think we have a ways to go as a people. If we want the heterosexual community to respect us, we'd better start respecting each other.

Book Review

I just finished reading The Evening Crowd at Kirmser's: A Gay Life in the 1940's. I flew through this relatively small book, and enjoyed every minute of reading it. It is part of my own private "research" into the growing field of gay studies in the area of history. Aside from being of personal interest to me, reading up on the emerging category of "gay history" may prove useful in writing master's papers.

The Evening Crowd at Kirmser's is written by Ricardo J. Brown. It is his own personal memoirs of life in the mid to late 1940's in St. Paul Minnesota. Being given an "undesirable discharge" from the navy for being homosexual, this small work chronicles what it was like to be a gay man in American during the post war period. Gay men and women still have quite a struggle to face today, but after reading this personal account, it is nothing compared to what gay men and women had to endure in the past. Rigid social, economic, and religious norms made it impossible, and even dangerous to be openly "queer" (the term used at the time). Not only did people fear the rejection of their family, but loss of jobs, jail sentences, even death should they be outed.

I highly recommend this title to anyone interested in "gay studies". It has mentioned in its forward a book entitled Boots of Leather, Slippers of Gold: The History of a Lesbian Community written by Elizabeth Lapovsky and Madeline D. Davis which deals with the lesbian community of Buffalo New York. While "gay" and "lesbian" studies can viewed as two different topics, since men and women homosexuals have been treated differently (by heterosexuals as well as each other) throughout history, the fact that it is based factually in the city of Buffalo places it on my list for future reading.

The next work that I am endeavoring to read is Gay New York: Gender, Urban Culture, and the Making of the Gay Male World 1890-1940, written by George Clancey. A rather large book, it has been used as a textbook in many college classes, and although it verges more on the scholastic side, it has had some wonderful reviews by both professors and students who have read this work. Ironically, I just studied this exact time period in my American History class this past semester, and am thinking about sending this title to my former professor as possibility for use in future classes on this time period.

Ashes

Memories of wonderful times,
from the shelves to a trunk.
Once reminders of happiness,
now pieces of junk.
Laughter and good times I remembered with ease.
Now pain and loneliness.
Now ashes in the breeze.
A rush of feeling hit my head and pierced my heavy heart.
Uncertain as I walk forward,
with a most uneasy start.
Exploring in the summer sun,
walking through the autumn leaves.
What once made me smile...
now ashes in the breeze.

Old Friends

Usually I take down my tree on New Year's Eve or day... I decided to keep it up because I wanted Anne and Vince to come over for a visit and see it first. They came over tonight, along with Jason, and we hung out for a few hours.

I always enjoy spending time with them, and Anne thinks very highly of Jason, so it was good that they were able to spend some time together as well. Laughing and talking over a cup of tea has always been a favorite past time of mine.

Anne is looking better despite her recent trip to the hospital. Seems she had a few ulcers, which hopefully they were able to help repair. She is optimistic at least, and eager to get back to life. Vince too looks very good, and will soon be turning 79. They are both up there in age, but they don't act like it. We always manage to talk for hours, laughing most of the time. Despite out age gap, she and I have been best friends for eight years now.

I finished reading my book on Katharine Hepburn today. It is the quickest I ever read a book of that length.. one week. I totally enjoyed it, staying up until 2AM reading. She had published an autobiography in the early 90's, but I don't feel the need to read it. This one did such a great job of telling her life, and giving other anecdotes along the way. It was as if the reader was forging a friendship with Hepburn, just as the author had. I even shed a slight tear at the end of the book which ends with her death. I guess I was a little sad that my "getting to know her" had ended as well. While I look forward to my other reading, I will miss curling up on the sofa, or sitting in my favorite chair, and spending some time with the enduring and immortal Katharine Hepburn.

While reading the book, I thought a lot of my relationship with Anne. What first started out as a meeting for professional reasons (well.. we were both teaching at the time) developed into a long and close friendship.. despite our age gap. It's really amazing how both the author and Hepburn, and Anne and I have grown so close over the years of our friendships. I look forward to many more talks and quality time with Anne. :-)

First entry of a New Year

Got an e-mail from Anne today. She and Vince are planning on coming for a visit on Wednesday evening, and hopefully Jason will be stopping by as well. She also informed me that she ended up in the hospital for three days just before Christmas. She hopes "they got it right this time", and she claims to be feeling a little better. I have no idea what the problem was that had her hospitalized for three days, but I hope to get all the info when I see her on Wednesday. She's worrying the hell out of me.

New year's eve was rather uneventful. I went to my Uncle's girlfriend's house, which was pretty boring. I ended up eating a lot more than I had hoped which makes me want to lose 20 more pounds as a new year's resolution. That probably won't happen. LOL

A more realistic new year's resolution for me is that I intend to go out more to the bars. No, I have no intentions of becoming an alcoholic, but I want to get out of this house, and be in an environment where there is at least the possibility that I will meet a nice guy. It's been two years since I was in a real relationship, and I'm tired of watching everyone else find partners. The casual sex thing can be fun (though usually it isn't), and it fulfills a carnal instinct, but I want a life that's more than a series of hook ups. I don't like clubs, and I'm not a fan of drinking (and am too poor to support the habit even if I was), but going out once a week or so with friends for a drink, and maybe get noticed or start talking to people would be a nice change. Gay.com has been a series of dead ends and let downs. Time to explore new options.

I had to go to Best Buy today to pick up a new laptop for my parents. The salesman (also named Michael) who was helping me was SO damn cute. I couldn't help but stare at him as he climbed the stairs to get the computer from the case. He reminded me of a youthful Spencer Tracy, whom I always thought was cute... regardless of how old his films are. Seeing this guy reinforces my goal to get out more... I'm tired of coming home to movies.. I want to come home to someone real, and someone who cares for me as much as I care for him. Though I haven't seen much evidence to support that idea.. I am not bitter enough to think it can't happen.