Wednesday I decided to dig out all my Christmas decorations and start putting everything up. Last year, I had bought a new tree for the living room (I only use artificial). I needed something "thinner" for my small room, and I ended up getting a pre-lit tree. I always swore I'd never get a pre-lit, because I'd be afraid if the lights stop working, it would be a pain in the ass to get them off the tree to replace them. As I assembled the tree and started to plug everything in, I noticed that the top portion of the tree lights weren't working. I was pissed. It took me about twenty minutes of "twacking" each light bulb to figure out which one was loose. I cussed the tree out the whole time. Ugh. I have additional lights I put on the tree, so I still have the fun of stringing on the lights, and this way I can test the bulbs before they are put on the tree. Much easier that way.
For some reason, I just can't get into the holiday mood. I used to stay awake at night excited to haul out the seemingly magical decoration boxes, and begin to prepare for Christmas. This year, I had to walk away from the tree a few times because it was becoming a chore to do. When did this stuff become work?? I guess as time progresses, I start to wonder if it is all worth the effort. With my grandparents gone, that special something about Christmas has dwindled, and hasn't been replaced. Hardly anyone other than the occasional visit from Jason comes to visit me, so it's not like I can even show off the work. The dream of cuddling up in front of the tree with that special someone is dead, so I just keep asking myself, "why bother?".
I did my best to get it all up, and I did. It looks nice, but with no one to share it with.. it's just part of the background to me.
I have been looking for a new angel for the top of the tree though. I've had Ethel since I was in 7th grade, but I decided it was time for a change. I have been looking for a male angel for the top of my tree. I have decided that the female dominance of Christmas angels is rather sexist. Why shouldn't a guy be portrayed as angelic? So, I found a woman on ebay who makes lighted male angels.. so I'm waiting for her to get back to me with an estimate for one. If it's not out of my price range, I'll retire Ethel.
Maybe the Christmas spirit I had in the past will return to me when I have my own home, and can start my own tradition, independent of the dullness of my parents. Maybe not. I'm trying to stay as jolly as I can... but for now, Christmas day Mass is all that pulls me anymore. Perhaps that is a good thing.. the real meaning of Christmas.