Celebration and Pain

There has been much celebration among my friends - and the gay community in general - about the recent passage of the same-sex marriage bill here in my home state of New York.  Amongst the celebrations and tears of joy, I found myself (either directly or indirectly) bombarded with slander from my spiritual "family".

I knew the Catholic Bishops in America were going to have a field day condemning the passage of the same-sex marriage bill, but I don't think anyone can fully prepare themselves for rejection from people they love.  For years I have struggled to adhere to a faith that I very much believe in and support, but one which sees me as a degenerate and sinner - in mortal sin and not worthy of Heaven unless I renounce the way in which God created me.

The first Sunday after the passage of the bill, I had to sit at Mass and listen to Father refute the senators for being so immoral... for further driving our country into greater sin.  A large part of me wanted to get up and walk out - while the other part of me couldn't leave Christ at the altar and walk away from Him.

My heart always went out to those gay and lesbian brothers and sisters whose family - especially their parents - turned their backs on them when they came out.  To have those whom you love so much see you as wrong or immoral is a painful blow to one's heart and soul.  This pain is echoed in my own heart and soul as my own spiritual mother - Mother Church - has now revitalized its campaign against people like me... people who through no fault of their own or personal choice have been created attracted to members of the same gender.

Every Catholic news station or program I listen to is calling for Catholics to vote out of office those public officials who made the bold decision to support this positive step forward in human rights.  While I rejoice at the legal recognition of "my" love... they cry out at what they see as an injustice against the "natural law" and against "God's law".

Two good friends of mine... two men... who have been in a committed relationship for years.. are in the process of adopting a child.  I am so excited for them and find myself eager to share in their joy on "the side lines".. as a friend.  I cannot think of two more caring and loving parents, and I know in my heart they will give a wonderful home to a child that has been neglected by his own biological parents.  Then I think of what it would be like to raise my own children... and my inability to fully share with them my most precious possession: my faith.  No child of a same sex couple would be able to be baptized in a Catholic Church and make the sacraments.  It knocked the wind out of me when that realization entered my mind recently. -- For as much a part of me as my faith is, I could not hope to FULLY pass it on to any children I would have... even though at this point children are purely hypothetical. 

It is not an easy time for me.. in fact, it's been a very painful and lonely time.  I will always love the Church, but I also have to accept the great reality that according to official teaching, I am not accepted.

Where will I go from here? Only God knows.