Tuesday, September 25, 2007


Toby's condition has worsened over the past few days. He can barely walk now, and can only stand for a few moments before collapsing. Everyone can see he is in a lot of pain.. except my mother who makes a million excuses as to what is wrong, and won't face reality.

He has no choice (at this point at least) but to stay in my section of the house, on the ground floor, so he doesn't have to make the steps. My idiotic mother has already tried to have him climb the 12 steps to get him upstairs so he can "be with everyone", despite my father and my protests that it would be too painful for him to make the steps, not to mention having to go back down them when he has to go outside. Mom infuriates me because she blames us for looking for excuses to put him down, and won't face the truth. She keeps thinking he will get better, but he won't. She keeps thinking he's not in that much pain, but he is. She wants him to die on his own, but I think that would be so cruel to make him wait that long. He doesn't eat with the exception of the occasional biscuit or table scrap. He's hurting, and that's a sure sign.

Mom finally admitted that he will have to be put down, though she's prolonging making the appointment, at least for today, using Kristy's leaving as an excuse since it's "too much" for her to deal with in one day. So, Friday or Saturday looks like it will be when it happens. I'm hoping for Friday so I can call off work that evening, Saturday I would have to work a 12-9, and that would be horrendous to have to do.

I know it's the best for him, and I know if it was happening to me, it is what I would want, but still it bothers me so much. Just watching him, I wish we didn't have to wait until Friday or Saturday to do it, I know he's suffering so much. But still, he's been my best friend for 13 years. Even though I've been the biggest supporter of this decision, I know I will shed some of the biggest tears as well.

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