Today has been a very overwhelming day for me, and I just need to vent here.
I had my group meeting with my guiding teacher for the field experience section, and met the other people going to my school (which they changed from the original location). I have a lot of friends in the group already, so that is helping some what.
The sheer amount of work that has to be done is getting to me. My calendar is so full, and continues to have deadlines and due dates added on a continual basis. I'm drowning in paper work, research, reports, reading, and studying.. not to mention the shit I have to get done for the State (not the University)... and then having to work on top of it.
I had to give a short presentation today in my evening class. I was so exhausted from my morning session and the massive information overload that I was just mentally wiped. When it came time to do the presentation, I bombed. For the first time ever, I was actually trembling as I was speaking. I kept stuttering (more than normal), forgot some basic terms to use, and could not convey my thoughts in a fluid and cohesive fashion. It was only a pass or re-do presentation, but I felt humiliated. I usually never have a problem in front of a group of people. My legs might shake a bit... but I never tremble like I did today.
At home, the whole upstairs is being ripped apart because of remodeling. No sink to do dishes in, no stove. We are living with a micro waves, and disposable dinnerware. It severely limits what we can eat. I never thought I would long for my mom's "cooking", and I find myself living off of peanut butter sandwiches.
The house being torn apart, and everything scattered just adds to the my OCD and need for visual calm... too much clutter freaks me out.
It would be so great to have someone to come home to... someone more than a friend to cuddle up with or just get held for a moment while I exhale and try to relax before moving onto the next task. It has become very clear to me from recent events that no such relationships will be formed any time soon.