Wedding Day

I was thrilled to be invited to the wedding of my good friends, David and Anthony.  They were married on September 3rd at the Buffalo Historical Society here in Western New York.  I had the honor of being their official program passer-outer... aka: people greeter!  Working where I do, I happen to have some background in people greeting :)

I must confess that normally I do not look forward to going to weddings or enjoy them much when I'm there.  I have always gone by myself, and they usually serve as painful reminders of my perpetual bachelorhood -- not to mention the feeling of being excluded from such ceremonies because (up until recently) gay couples could not get married.  I knew this wedding day was going to be different.. and in a very positive way!

For once I was not going to go to a wedding stag, or bringing my sister as a date.  My friend Joe, whom I went to grad school with (where I also met one of the grooms, David) agreed to be my date for the evening.  Though he is straight (which I try not to hold against him)... he was very good company and very attentive.  He even permitted me to dance with him for the opening dance -- My first guy-guy dance at age 29!  No, I wasn't starring lovingly into his eyes.. I was more concerned with watching David and Anthony glide across the dance floor in each other's arms.

I couldn't have picked a better atmosphere for a "small"-intimate wedding than the Buffalo Historical Society.  It's marble steps and portico served as classy back drop to the wedding ceremony followed by a night of fun and dancing amongst the art deco ambiance of the interior.  Add to that almost non-stop Big Band music and I was in Heaven!!

Even the guests added to the enjoyment of the evening.  People seemed more sociable than at most gatherings.  Random guests would come up to me and start conversations - making for a very interesting and enjoyable evening!  It's always fun getting to meet and greet with new folks. 

I made one new friend in particular - one of the ring bearers.  He sat down next to me as I was having dinner outside on one of the marble steps, and we just started talking.  You could tell that at the age of 6, he's very much and old soul... just like I was (am).  He was such a sweet kid and became my other "date" for the night as he would often join me in watching folks dance the night away while making small talk.

What really made the evening special for me was not the art deco building and big band music.. or even the fact I had a male date (though the latter did make a positive difference).. it was seeing my two friends finally be able to publicly solidify their relationship in this time honored institution of marriage - an institution from which we have been excluded from for so long simply because we love a person of the same gender.  I finally saw the feelings I have inside reflected in a ceremony and celebration that often left me feeling like an outsider... now, I felt.. well, normal! -- Though - define "normal".  haha!

Contrary to the sky falling in response to a "gay wedding" - there were actually fireworks in the sky that night!  No, they weren't purchased by the grooms -- there just happened to be a fireworks display across the grounds from the museum.  As we all gathered on the portico to watch the bursts of color in the sky one couldn't help but marvel at how well things had fallen into place, and how beautiful the celebration of love can be - for anyone!

This wedding certainly left a joyous imprint on my heart and mind, and was an evening I will never forget.  Maybe.. just maybe.. I'll find the type of love David and Anthony have for each other which they so beautifully celebrated this month. 

New job

I have been in my new position as Training Coordinator (Personnel) for about three weeks (full time) now.  My training has been rather sketchy as our store scrambles to take on a couple hundred new employees to work in our new super center that is due to open in late October.

My main role right now is leading the new hire orientations... a task I really enjoy.  It's very much like being in the classroom again.. only I'm not a substitute... it's my class.  :)  I have a lengthy guide (lesson plan) to follow, and I am slowly making it my own as I get more comfortable and familiar with the material contained within.  Though I am still learning how to process all the paperwork that goes along with these orientations, I very much enjoy working and interacting with our new hires.. each group brings something new to the table.

I've also been helping schedule interviews as well as inputting data into our antiquated computer systems.  Sadly, my numerous other job functions and training have taken a back seat to our mass hiring project.. but this is teaching me at least one aspect of my job in great detail.

Unfortunately, with mass hiring comes mass chaos.  Paperwork is every where.. people just plopping things on my desk... asking random questions as if personnel knows everything about everything all the time... and of course, we always end up with too many cooks in the kitchen as they say.  Everyone wants to be the boss, but not many want to roll up their sleeves and get the job done.  I have been impressed and inspired by a core group of co-workers who have been diligently working to make this process work and are ALWAYS there to lend me a hand and help answer my questions.

It's now beginning to sink in that this is my new job (rather than just a temporary thing) - especially as I begin to forge a new routine to follow.  For me routine is very important as I'm a creature of habit. 

Despite still working in a retail setting, I no longer feel like a store employee.. I feel more like an office worker, and it's a very positive transition.  Though it certainly has it's share of stresses.. especially now.. I find the work more rewarding and have a greater sense of accomplishment at the end of the day.  Not dealing with the customers is also a great blessing and a welcomed change.. though I am quickly learning that working closely with management is not always an "easier" alternative. hahaha!

Though this is not my dream job, I am thankful for a positive step forward (especially now being full time permanently) and for the chance to use my skills as a teacher on a regular basis.  The skills I am now learning from this experience will also transfer very well into the classroom should I ever be fortunate enough to land that ever illusive full time teaching position. 

Even baby steps forward are steps in the right direction.  Now if you'll excuse me, I need to crash from utter paperwork exhaustion.

Catching Up

It's been quite a while since my last posting.  I wish I could say I've been off on wonderful adventures or on an amazing vacation, but that's sooooo not the truth.  Dare to dream though!

I recently transferred from my job in the Photo Center at my store to a position as Training Coordinator in personnel.  It was a very slight pay increase, but it promised me full time hours.  I would love to tell you what my new job functions are, but to be honest, after a little over two weeks of working in the office (though some of that time I was covering in my old department) I don't feel much closer to knowing my position.

Our store is in the process of moving as well as taking on over 200 new employees over the next two months.  Naturally, personnel is right in the middle of all this.  Talk about trial by fire!  Some times I get so overwhelmed by people walking into the office and telling me what they need done that I feel like my head is going to explode.  Not exactly the best time to learn whole new job functions - computer systems (which are archaic... one program is DOS based.. DOS BASED!! Who uses DOS anymore???) - and routine.  My "training" has consisted of learning on the go and trying to take massive amounts of notes to try and get me by.

So far, I've been helping input information into the computer for new hires, calling applicants and setting up appointments for interviews.  That's what my day to day job has consisted of - that and being a personal secretary to a new manager with the company who seems to think I work only for them.  So basically when our personnel director (who is AMAZING) goes out of town soon for a week and I go to take over for her.. I'll know how to make phone calls.

It tickles me when managers ask me a question about how to do something and I have to tell them "I don't know".  They look at me like I'm nuts.. like when my job code changed, I magically absorbed all the knowledge of a person doing this job for years.  Granted, I'm learning from asking my NUMEROUS questions and attempting to learn the tasks asked of me... but it's not a practical or comfortable learning process.

I'm extremely thankful for many of my knowledgeable co-workers who have been helping me out, and taking time from their chaotic work loads to help show me the ropes and answer my questions.  It's so un-nerving not to know my routine and have all the answers.  I went from a job I could do in my sleep to finding myself asking for help every five minutes.  Thank God I have friends there!!  They've been wonderful and supportive!

Another job duty that I HAVE actually done is conducting new hire orientations.  These typically last about 7 hours per orientation.  It's set up very similar to following a classroom lesson plan.. something my teaching background has helped prepare me for - and is a job function that I'm hoping will look much better on my resume.

While doing the same lesson over and over again can get tedious, I do look forward to meeting and working with our new hires.  I know how intimidating it can be starting a new job (and I'm getting a dose of that again with this position) in a new place.. so I want to make their first day on the job as pleasant as possible.  What happens to them after orientation... that I'm a little concerned about.  I'm nervous they are going to get lost in the craziness of the move and hiring focus.

I've also been trying to keep in touch with my friend Anne who is suffering from brain cancer.  I went to see her for a brief visit last week and she looked horrible.  I can't believe all the weight she's lost... and her energy is all but gone.  It's so hard for me to watch her fade away like this - and know how much it hurts her to not be able to keep going.  She's a person who has always needed to be busy.. needed to be "doing", and now that's all gone.

As we were talking, she told me how worried she is about leaving her husband (who suffers from Alzheimer's) behind.  Through the 14 years I've known Anne.. and all the tragedy we've been through, I've never seen/heard her cry until now.  Her wish is not to miraculously get better and live forever, but to simply be able to care for her husband so he won't have to be alone - and live in a nursing home.  Even now, her main concern is the well being of those she loves.

Anne has always been a person who had such an enormous light inside her.. an incredible force of good in the world.  While she never went to college or had a profession as we know it today, she made a remarkable impact on the lives of everyone she has come into contact with.  There are often times I have wished I could give the energy and years I have left to people like that.. people who make a difference and have a light to share with others.  It almost seems wasted on me.

Celebration and Pain

There has been much celebration among my friends - and the gay community in general - about the recent passage of the same-sex marriage bill here in my home state of New York.  Amongst the celebrations and tears of joy, I found myself (either directly or indirectly) bombarded with slander from my spiritual "family".

I knew the Catholic Bishops in America were going to have a field day condemning the passage of the same-sex marriage bill, but I don't think anyone can fully prepare themselves for rejection from people they love.  For years I have struggled to adhere to a faith that I very much believe in and support, but one which sees me as a degenerate and sinner - in mortal sin and not worthy of Heaven unless I renounce the way in which God created me.

The first Sunday after the passage of the bill, I had to sit at Mass and listen to Father refute the senators for being so immoral... for further driving our country into greater sin.  A large part of me wanted to get up and walk out - while the other part of me couldn't leave Christ at the altar and walk away from Him.

My heart always went out to those gay and lesbian brothers and sisters whose family - especially their parents - turned their backs on them when they came out.  To have those whom you love so much see you as wrong or immoral is a painful blow to one's heart and soul.  This pain is echoed in my own heart and soul as my own spiritual mother - Mother Church - has now revitalized its campaign against people like me... people who through no fault of their own or personal choice have been created attracted to members of the same gender.

Every Catholic news station or program I listen to is calling for Catholics to vote out of office those public officials who made the bold decision to support this positive step forward in human rights.  While I rejoice at the legal recognition of "my" love... they cry out at what they see as an injustice against the "natural law" and against "God's law".

Two good friends of mine... two men... who have been in a committed relationship for years.. are in the process of adopting a child.  I am so excited for them and find myself eager to share in their joy on "the side lines".. as a friend.  I cannot think of two more caring and loving parents, and I know in my heart they will give a wonderful home to a child that has been neglected by his own biological parents.  Then I think of what it would be like to raise my own children... and my inability to fully share with them my most precious possession: my faith.  No child of a same sex couple would be able to be baptized in a Catholic Church and make the sacraments.  It knocked the wind out of me when that realization entered my mind recently. -- For as much a part of me as my faith is, I could not hope to FULLY pass it on to any children I would have... even though at this point children are purely hypothetical. 

It is not an easy time for me.. in fact, it's been a very painful and lonely time.  I will always love the Church, but I also have to accept the great reality that according to official teaching, I am not accepted.

Where will I go from here? Only God knows.

Way to go New York!!!

I just want to publicly thank (in this meager forum) ALL those who worked to get the same-sex marriage bill passed in New York State.  From the courageous Senators who said "YES!" to equality, to those making calls and getting involved in peaceful demonstrations. -- THANK YOU!!

I cannot begin to tell you how I felt when the vote was passed.  I'm not sure what was more exciting, the Governor stating he would sign the bill immediately or the MANY positive Facebook comments, posts and even text messages going back and forth all night.

Though I have been very blessed with a wonderful and supportive family and groups of friends who love me for who I am.. this is the first time in my life I feel like a truly equal citizen under the law.

Let me point out however, the passage of the bill may have been the easy part.  Finding myself a husband... now THAT will be difficult!!  :-P

The Fight for Marriage Equality in NY State

When my younger sister was a senior in High School, she had to do a project for her Government class on some sort of current event.  She chose the topic of gay marriage.  When asked by her teacher why she chose that topic she replied: "Because my brother is gay and I want to see him get married."  -- I'll always remember her telling me that for as long as I live.

My sister Kristy is six years younger than me and we went to the same local public High School.  When I was a senior, there was a big debate about two boys going to the prom together.  It was a big debate in our rather boring suburban High School.  In the end, each boy went with a girl to the prom.  The year Kristy graduated, I got a phone call from her one day with her on the other end of the line all excited.  "Guess what???  They voted a gay couple for the 'cutest couple' category in this year's yearbook!!!".  I couldn't believe how much had changed in just six short years.

Now, 11 years after I have graduated High School, we face another chance for positive change.  The New York State Senate will soon be voting on whether or not same sex couples can legally marry in this state.

For those who regularly read my blog, it will be of no surprise to you that I am still single.. moving ever closer to impending spinsterhood.  Despite my sister's desire to see me get married one day, my pessimistic sensibilities tend to get the better of me and convince me that's not "in the cards".  My chance to marry however, should be decided by whether or not I find a life partner, not whether or not I have the legal right to marry at all.

As children, we have a keen ability to latch onto certain people fairly easily.  Little kids will often taunt each other with the old rhyme: "Sarah and Joseph sitting in a tree... k-i-s-s-i-n-g.  First comes love.. then comes marriage.. then comes Sarah in the baby carriage.."  My personal favorite saying was usually used if you ever said you loved someone, like a best friend or a close relative: "If ya love him so much.. why don't ya marry him???" -- Even in the minds of little children, love and marriage go together.  "First comes love.. then comes marriage.."  But this is not the scenario for all of us.

Some people who are fortunate enough to find true love are forced to do without the legal recognition of that love and partnership and all the benefits it implies.  Inheritance, parental rights and hospital visitation eligibility are only a few. 

Gay and lesbian couples also lack the social benefits of a legally recognized marriage.  When two men or two women have a ceremony or wear weddings rings, they are "flaunting" their sexuality.  As long as they do it in the privacy of their own homes, people don't fuss.. but should they want to publicly celebrate their love and commitment to one another.. they have gone too far.  What kind of message does that convey?  Two men who love each other with their whole hearts and souls are "faulting" it if they want a public ceremony, but a man and a woman can have HUGE, elaborate weddings??  Hey -- I've seen "Say YES to the Dress" -- I know how much these shindigs cost!!  Talk about flaunting it! - And don't get me started on Anniversaries!

At a day and age when marriage seemed to be going the way of the dinosaurs, gays and lesbians have been serving as witnesses to the importance of marriage.. whether performed in a Church or by a Justice of the Peace.  That "little piece of paper" does make a difference for many people... and it should be available to ALL consenting adults. 

What I have found to be most frustrating when debating this topic with opponents of same-sex marriage is that it's a debate over feeling.  One of the hardest things to get another person to do is feel what you are feeling.  Heterosexual opponents of Gay marriage don't have the attraction and feelings we homosexuals do and therefor have a hard time understanding where we come from.  How do you prove feelings? How do you prove love?

I grew up admiring the close bond and intense love my maternal Grandparents had with and for each other.  Sure, they had their share of differences, but no matter what, that intense love and connection was always there.  I grew up wanting the kind of love they had for each other, and a similar life they had built together.... only no one told me way back then that I was to be excluded from sharing my life with someone in that way... through no fault of my own.  Different always equals bad, right?

Though I am easily angered by the politicians and Church officials who speak out so vehemently against same sex marriage (and yes.. I said Church officials!!), I can't help but feel sorry for them.  They don't realize that the very sanctity of marriage they are spending so much time and money  to "protect" is the same marriage we believe to be sacred too. 

I find that all I can do is pray.. pray to remove hatred from everyone's heart.. and pray that one day, those that spend so much time, money and effort to prevent people from getting married will one day invest that energy and those resources into promoting LOVE... which is what this topic is all about.

Shaping up!

I did decide to go to this year's pride parade after all.  My good friend Collin managed to convince me to make an appearance - and it's always nice to see so many of my friends out and about at the same time.  I never know who I am going to run into!

The parade's after party gave me the chance to mingle with some facebook friends that I rarely get to see because of our conflicting schedules.  It was also a great pleasure to see my friends Greg and Rob... my personal vote for one of the cutest couples in Buffalo.

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I've been fighting the "battle of the bulge" all my life... the bulge being my ever expanding mid section... and I have been gradually losing this battle for the past three year.  Each summer I have steadily had to go up in waist size to fit into shorts.  This year, I would need to squeeze my derrière into a 40 waist pair of pants.  Oh hell no!

I promised myself I would never again leave the 30's range waste size and I'm not about to break a promise.  I REFUSE to buy a pair of pants over a 38 waist!!!

Actually, a picture taken of me at pride drove home the point that something needs to be done.  There I was, in a pair of jeans (because I refuse to wear shorts) looking frumpier than a worn out bean bag chair.  This just will not do!!

Long ago I accepted the fact that I will always have a larger body size.. and even embraced the "bear-cub" image popular in gay culture.. but I don't like frumpy.  Grrrr....

For the past month or so I have been stepping up my exercise routine, but now I'm really focused.  For the past three weeks, I have been working out about 6 days a week.  Now I am focusing on changing my diet as well.  It has to be a gradual change so I don't lose control and binge eat... little steps towards a big goal!

I've done this once before and I can do it again.  I once managed to lose 125 pounds... I think I can make it to my goal of losing 30. 

Feel the burn! Boo-ya!