New contraptions

I am so up to date with technology - well, up to date if it were 1947 perhaps.  I'm one of the few people left who listens to the radio at home - not just in the car.  I actually have an old Philco 1941 console radio that I'll use to listen to music the news.  I find that I'm multi-tasking so much on the computer I don't pay attention to the television screen - in fact, I rarely turn it on these days. 

Any who... the old Philco doesn't get great reception and depending on the weather, my favorite stations come in rather fuzzy.  People have been telling me for a while to try Internet radio - digital radio stations and providers like Sirius and Pandora.  I've used Pandora on my phone to listen to when I work out, but my computer's speakers are HORRIBLE, so it's not enjoyable... I never gave much though to it.

THEN.. quite accidentally, I stumbled across a retro styled Internet radio.  It was love at first site!!  With the classic styling of the 1940s paired with modern technology and gadgets, what's not to love??? So I snatched up this little beauty and there it was waiting for me after work today.  JOY!

I'm hooked!  The stations are so clear and there are SO many to choose from.  I already have about four Big Band stations programmed into the radio.  I'm amazed at what it can do.  It's not a cheap retro knock off like the Crosley radio products... this is a solid sound system with some awesome features -- or maybe I'm just easy to impress.

I decided to stay up late tonight in the hopes I'll sleep in later tomorrow (Thursday) since I have to work the horrible 12 hour shift at work starting at 5 and continuing to "black Friday" morning.  So what have I been doing most of the night?  Drinking tea and listening to the radio!  Good God I have no life.  Maybe this is why I'm single??? Nahhh.....

Any who - after a night of tapping my toes and wishing I could jitterbug, I guess it's off to dream land for this fellow. 

Good night to all of you in radio land.. I mean... cyber space!

Giving Thanks

Thanksgiving is just over a week away.  Where is the time going??

When I was in school November took forever - especially for Thanksgiving to arrive.  I used to love this time of year - the first snowfall, the anticipation for the upcoming Christmas season (stations didn't start playing Christmas music the week after Halloween!) the amazing dinner Grams would cook, enjoying a turkey coma sleep the next day and putting up the Christmas tree that weekend. That's all changed now - I have to work on Thanksgiving... an overnight 12 hour shift.  So much for that holiday... damn you adulthood!!!

I'm trying to remind myself that Thanksgiving isn't just about the dinner, it's about counting your blessings and being thankful for what you have.  That's not easy for me to do.  As time goes by, the dark cloud hovering above me seems to be growing ever larger - like my waist line.  Not getting to enjoy the Thanksgiving holiday with my family and friends was the final nail in the coffin.  While my family is enjoying a wonderful meal, drinks and laughs, I'll be working retail Hell so obsessed shoppers can stand in line forever and maul each other over a sale item.  *gets off soap box*

There's been a trend on Facebook to post in your status things you are thankful for.  Not a bad idea.  Since I need a real pick me up, maybe a list of blessings is indeed in order.

I am thankful for:

1. my friend Anne being in my life for another year
2. my health
3. my parents
4. my new niece, Brittany
5. new job at work (even though it's still in the realm of retail)
6. co-workers who make life at work so much better! Especially: Jen, Tracey, Mallory, Christine, Renita, Holly, Maria, Angie and Dan (to name a few!)
7. developing a closer friendship with David and Anthony who have become amazing friends - as well as participating in their wedding.  Their relationship keeps the small spark of hope alive in my heart that true love is indeed possible.
8. meeting and becoming friends with Rob and Greg - and watching them start a family together.  I can't think of better parents!
9. paying off my car! (though it is time for a new one lol)
10.  winning the lottery.

Ok, that one isn't true.  Just wanted to see if you were still paying attention. 

Skulls, Skeletons and Halloween

I haven't blogged much in recent weeks but I would feel bad if I didn't make my usual entry about some historical facet of the upcoming Halloween holiday.  Since Halloween is such a conglomeration of traditions and observances - many of which have long been forgotten to modern man - it's important to know where symbols and traditions came from.

You can't go to a Halloween store, party or Haunted House without seeing skulls and skeletons.  In fact, death in general plays a large part in Halloween decor and costumes.  Why this morbid fascination with death?

First we have to remember the meaning behind the term "Halloween".  It comes from the old English All Hallow's Eve.. meaning the evening before All Hallow's Day - which we now call All Saints Day (Hallow being a word for something sacred or holy - holy people - Saints. Get it?).  This memorial of all the Saints of Heaven is still observed within the Catholic and Anglican Churches.  The following day, (November 2nd) is All Soul's Day.. a time to remember our departed friends and family - and most especially those who have died who have no one left to pray for their souls, or even carry on their memory.

All Hallow's Day (November 1st) and by extension All Hallow's Eve mark the traditional month of remembering the faith and works of our ancestors, and a time to remember our own temporal state - the sobering fact that we too shall die.

It is not uncommon to hear of ancient theologians, saints and popes who kept skulls on their desks all year round.  No, they weren't into heavy metal - the skull served as a reminder of our own mortality, and that one day - death too would come to them (us).  Death is the great equalizer, and no matter our stations and status in life, we too shall die.

While society and cinema have glamorized, commercialized and secularized All Hallow's Eve - the use of these traditional symbols of death still remain.  We are reminded that death - whether we see it as frightening or not - is a part of life.  Even Jesus faced death.. and was crucified on "the place of the skull" (Golgotha) - which is why some crucifixes have a skull and cross bones beneath them.

I have always found the study of death - burial - mourning customs - etc to be extremely fascinating and have never had a problem with the skulls and skeletons of Halloween.  I don't really fear death per se.. but rather the means in which I will die.

It saddens me to hear Christian extremists condemn Halloween as satanic and pagan (though there is certainly intermingling between old pagan cultures and Christian cultures when the two came together) because of what they perceive as evil.  If they would dig below the surface of their local costume shops and horror flicks on the Sci-fi channel, I think they would see a lot more value in some of the observances of Halloween.  Sadly though, many Christians today are so focused on seeing evil lurking around every corner that they can't see the good in things.. the hope -- hope that comes even in death... the hope of eternal life.

Any way, that's my Halloween history lesson for the year.  Next time you put out your fake tombstones and skeletons, note the old saying: Momento mori - remember, you will die.

Happy Halloween!! :)

Wedding Day

I was thrilled to be invited to the wedding of my good friends, David and Anthony.  They were married on September 3rd at the Buffalo Historical Society here in Western New York.  I had the honor of being their official program passer-outer... aka: people greeter!  Working where I do, I happen to have some background in people greeting :)

I must confess that normally I do not look forward to going to weddings or enjoy them much when I'm there.  I have always gone by myself, and they usually serve as painful reminders of my perpetual bachelorhood -- not to mention the feeling of being excluded from such ceremonies because (up until recently) gay couples could not get married.  I knew this wedding day was going to be different.. and in a very positive way!

For once I was not going to go to a wedding stag, or bringing my sister as a date.  My friend Joe, whom I went to grad school with (where I also met one of the grooms, David) agreed to be my date for the evening.  Though he is straight (which I try not to hold against him)... he was very good company and very attentive.  He even permitted me to dance with him for the opening dance -- My first guy-guy dance at age 29!  No, I wasn't starring lovingly into his eyes.. I was more concerned with watching David and Anthony glide across the dance floor in each other's arms.

I couldn't have picked a better atmosphere for a "small"-intimate wedding than the Buffalo Historical Society.  It's marble steps and portico served as classy back drop to the wedding ceremony followed by a night of fun and dancing amongst the art deco ambiance of the interior.  Add to that almost non-stop Big Band music and I was in Heaven!!

Even the guests added to the enjoyment of the evening.  People seemed more sociable than at most gatherings.  Random guests would come up to me and start conversations - making for a very interesting and enjoyable evening!  It's always fun getting to meet and greet with new folks. 

I made one new friend in particular - one of the ring bearers.  He sat down next to me as I was having dinner outside on one of the marble steps, and we just started talking.  You could tell that at the age of 6, he's very much and old soul... just like I was (am).  He was such a sweet kid and became my other "date" for the night as he would often join me in watching folks dance the night away while making small talk.

What really made the evening special for me was not the art deco building and big band music.. or even the fact I had a male date (though the latter did make a positive difference).. it was seeing my two friends finally be able to publicly solidify their relationship in this time honored institution of marriage - an institution from which we have been excluded from for so long simply because we love a person of the same gender.  I finally saw the feelings I have inside reflected in a ceremony and celebration that often left me feeling like an outsider... now, I felt.. well, normal! -- Though - define "normal".  haha!

Contrary to the sky falling in response to a "gay wedding" - there were actually fireworks in the sky that night!  No, they weren't purchased by the grooms -- there just happened to be a fireworks display across the grounds from the museum.  As we all gathered on the portico to watch the bursts of color in the sky one couldn't help but marvel at how well things had fallen into place, and how beautiful the celebration of love can be - for anyone!

This wedding certainly left a joyous imprint on my heart and mind, and was an evening I will never forget.  Maybe.. just maybe.. I'll find the type of love David and Anthony have for each other which they so beautifully celebrated this month. 

New job

I have been in my new position as Training Coordinator (Personnel) for about three weeks (full time) now.  My training has been rather sketchy as our store scrambles to take on a couple hundred new employees to work in our new super center that is due to open in late October.

My main role right now is leading the new hire orientations... a task I really enjoy.  It's very much like being in the classroom again.. only I'm not a substitute... it's my class.  :)  I have a lengthy guide (lesson plan) to follow, and I am slowly making it my own as I get more comfortable and familiar with the material contained within.  Though I am still learning how to process all the paperwork that goes along with these orientations, I very much enjoy working and interacting with our new hires.. each group brings something new to the table.

I've also been helping schedule interviews as well as inputting data into our antiquated computer systems.  Sadly, my numerous other job functions and training have taken a back seat to our mass hiring project.. but this is teaching me at least one aspect of my job in great detail.

Unfortunately, with mass hiring comes mass chaos.  Paperwork is every where.. people just plopping things on my desk... asking random questions as if personnel knows everything about everything all the time... and of course, we always end up with too many cooks in the kitchen as they say.  Everyone wants to be the boss, but not many want to roll up their sleeves and get the job done.  I have been impressed and inspired by a core group of co-workers who have been diligently working to make this process work and are ALWAYS there to lend me a hand and help answer my questions.

It's now beginning to sink in that this is my new job (rather than just a temporary thing) - especially as I begin to forge a new routine to follow.  For me routine is very important as I'm a creature of habit. 

Despite still working in a retail setting, I no longer feel like a store employee.. I feel more like an office worker, and it's a very positive transition.  Though it certainly has it's share of stresses.. especially now.. I find the work more rewarding and have a greater sense of accomplishment at the end of the day.  Not dealing with the customers is also a great blessing and a welcomed change.. though I am quickly learning that working closely with management is not always an "easier" alternative. hahaha!

Though this is not my dream job, I am thankful for a positive step forward (especially now being full time permanently) and for the chance to use my skills as a teacher on a regular basis.  The skills I am now learning from this experience will also transfer very well into the classroom should I ever be fortunate enough to land that ever illusive full time teaching position. 

Even baby steps forward are steps in the right direction.  Now if you'll excuse me, I need to crash from utter paperwork exhaustion.

Catching Up

It's been quite a while since my last posting.  I wish I could say I've been off on wonderful adventures or on an amazing vacation, but that's sooooo not the truth.  Dare to dream though!

I recently transferred from my job in the Photo Center at my store to a position as Training Coordinator in personnel.  It was a very slight pay increase, but it promised me full time hours.  I would love to tell you what my new job functions are, but to be honest, after a little over two weeks of working in the office (though some of that time I was covering in my old department) I don't feel much closer to knowing my position.

Our store is in the process of moving as well as taking on over 200 new employees over the next two months.  Naturally, personnel is right in the middle of all this.  Talk about trial by fire!  Some times I get so overwhelmed by people walking into the office and telling me what they need done that I feel like my head is going to explode.  Not exactly the best time to learn whole new job functions - computer systems (which are archaic... one program is DOS based.. DOS BASED!! Who uses DOS anymore???) - and routine.  My "training" has consisted of learning on the go and trying to take massive amounts of notes to try and get me by.

So far, I've been helping input information into the computer for new hires, calling applicants and setting up appointments for interviews.  That's what my day to day job has consisted of - that and being a personal secretary to a new manager with the company who seems to think I work only for them.  So basically when our personnel director (who is AMAZING) goes out of town soon for a week and I go to take over for her.. I'll know how to make phone calls.

It tickles me when managers ask me a question about how to do something and I have to tell them "I don't know".  They look at me like I'm nuts.. like when my job code changed, I magically absorbed all the knowledge of a person doing this job for years.  Granted, I'm learning from asking my NUMEROUS questions and attempting to learn the tasks asked of me... but it's not a practical or comfortable learning process.

I'm extremely thankful for many of my knowledgeable co-workers who have been helping me out, and taking time from their chaotic work loads to help show me the ropes and answer my questions.  It's so un-nerving not to know my routine and have all the answers.  I went from a job I could do in my sleep to finding myself asking for help every five minutes.  Thank God I have friends there!!  They've been wonderful and supportive!

Another job duty that I HAVE actually done is conducting new hire orientations.  These typically last about 7 hours per orientation.  It's set up very similar to following a classroom lesson plan.. something my teaching background has helped prepare me for - and is a job function that I'm hoping will look much better on my resume.

While doing the same lesson over and over again can get tedious, I do look forward to meeting and working with our new hires.  I know how intimidating it can be starting a new job (and I'm getting a dose of that again with this position) in a new place.. so I want to make their first day on the job as pleasant as possible.  What happens to them after orientation... that I'm a little concerned about.  I'm nervous they are going to get lost in the craziness of the move and hiring focus.

I've also been trying to keep in touch with my friend Anne who is suffering from brain cancer.  I went to see her for a brief visit last week and she looked horrible.  I can't believe all the weight she's lost... and her energy is all but gone.  It's so hard for me to watch her fade away like this - and know how much it hurts her to not be able to keep going.  She's a person who has always needed to be busy.. needed to be "doing", and now that's all gone.

As we were talking, she told me how worried she is about leaving her husband (who suffers from Alzheimer's) behind.  Through the 14 years I've known Anne.. and all the tragedy we've been through, I've never seen/heard her cry until now.  Her wish is not to miraculously get better and live forever, but to simply be able to care for her husband so he won't have to be alone - and live in a nursing home.  Even now, her main concern is the well being of those she loves.

Anne has always been a person who had such an enormous light inside her.. an incredible force of good in the world.  While she never went to college or had a profession as we know it today, she made a remarkable impact on the lives of everyone she has come into contact with.  There are often times I have wished I could give the energy and years I have left to people like that.. people who make a difference and have a light to share with others.  It almost seems wasted on me.

Celebration and Pain

There has been much celebration among my friends - and the gay community in general - about the recent passage of the same-sex marriage bill here in my home state of New York.  Amongst the celebrations and tears of joy, I found myself (either directly or indirectly) bombarded with slander from my spiritual "family".

I knew the Catholic Bishops in America were going to have a field day condemning the passage of the same-sex marriage bill, but I don't think anyone can fully prepare themselves for rejection from people they love.  For years I have struggled to adhere to a faith that I very much believe in and support, but one which sees me as a degenerate and sinner - in mortal sin and not worthy of Heaven unless I renounce the way in which God created me.

The first Sunday after the passage of the bill, I had to sit at Mass and listen to Father refute the senators for being so immoral... for further driving our country into greater sin.  A large part of me wanted to get up and walk out - while the other part of me couldn't leave Christ at the altar and walk away from Him.

My heart always went out to those gay and lesbian brothers and sisters whose family - especially their parents - turned their backs on them when they came out.  To have those whom you love so much see you as wrong or immoral is a painful blow to one's heart and soul.  This pain is echoed in my own heart and soul as my own spiritual mother - Mother Church - has now revitalized its campaign against people like me... people who through no fault of their own or personal choice have been created attracted to members of the same gender.

Every Catholic news station or program I listen to is calling for Catholics to vote out of office those public officials who made the bold decision to support this positive step forward in human rights.  While I rejoice at the legal recognition of "my" love... they cry out at what they see as an injustice against the "natural law" and against "God's law".

Two good friends of mine... two men... who have been in a committed relationship for years.. are in the process of adopting a child.  I am so excited for them and find myself eager to share in their joy on "the side lines".. as a friend.  I cannot think of two more caring and loving parents, and I know in my heart they will give a wonderful home to a child that has been neglected by his own biological parents.  Then I think of what it would be like to raise my own children... and my inability to fully share with them my most precious possession: my faith.  No child of a same sex couple would be able to be baptized in a Catholic Church and make the sacraments.  It knocked the wind out of me when that realization entered my mind recently. -- For as much a part of me as my faith is, I could not hope to FULLY pass it on to any children I would have... even though at this point children are purely hypothetical. 

It is not an easy time for me.. in fact, it's been a very painful and lonely time.  I will always love the Church, but I also have to accept the great reality that according to official teaching, I am not accepted.

Where will I go from here? Only God knows.