Decisions, decisions...

I've been doing so much thinking about my life, and where it's going. I feel as if I'm standing still while the world passes me by.

Jeff reminded me a little of what it felt like to have something to devote your life to... working towards something you really believe in, and get so much pleasure out of. There was only one time in my life when I didn't really yearn for a home or a husband, and that's when I was seriously considering entering the priesthood.

I hesitate even mentioning this in a blog read mostly by gay people because they just don't get it. You mention the term priest and immediately a million inappropriate jokes start flying across the room. To me, it means something very personal, and meaningful... something I was willing to give up my life for.

I went to a book signing at Barnes and Noble today. It was by a very well known Catholic journalist, Raymond Arroyo, whom I am a huge fan of. I've watched his programs and interviews on EWTN for years, and always enjoyed his style of journalism... bringing us "all that is seen, and unseen." I listened to his talk about Mother Angelica, foundress of EWTN, and whom the book is about that he has just written. She has always been an inspiration for me, and her live shows (back when she was well enough to do them), helped me through a lot of bad times. As I was standing in line to have the book signed, I read through some of it... a collection of her sayings and ways of looking at life. It made me laugh... she is a great theologian, but puts things in such simple terms... and has an awesome sense of humor. She reminds me of how I envisioned interacting with people as a priest.. through humor, friendship, and love.

As he was signing my book, Mr. Arroyo and I were able to chat briefly about the pre-vatican II rite of Mass that I attend, and which he is also a great supporter of. Nothing lights up my face, or peaks my interest as much as talking about the Mass does. That really is my field.. my "thing" in life... and there is so few ways for me to incorporate that aspect of the person I am into my everyday life. Face it, if I'm not going to be a priest.. what else am I going to do with all that insight, knowledge, and passion that makes for a career??

There were three things that made me decide not to become a priest. I never thought I'd survive the education needed to become a priest. I didn't want to move away from my family. And I didn't want to hide my homosexuality. Over the years, this has all started to crumble. Though I still feel I'd flunk out of philosophy classes, my grandparents are all dead, and I don't have that close a relationship with my immediate family to keep me here. My CLOSE network of friends is rather small these days, and I could easily keep in touch with them via e-mail and AIM, just as I do now. And I get so fed up with being gay that why in the world do I want to embrace such a frustrating, lonely, dead end road??

I often wonder if I made the right decision to become a teacher instead of a priest. There are days when I can say for sure that the priesthood and I were incompatible, but there are other days where I just wonder.... maybe that's where I was supposed to be all along.

The whole world needs to hear two things with strength and power: "God loves you" and "I love you". You must say it often to your friends. The world is not starving from a lack of money. It's starving from a want of love. - Mother Angelica

I'm single again. At least for a month, I was able to say I was going with a great guy.

I don't relish the idea of being "on the market" again... or scanning countless gay.com profiles that are all the same... or hanging out at the bars. Wish it was a bit easier, but it's not.

Anyway.. no hard feelings, it was nice while it lasted. --- Enough said on the subject.

PEEPS!

Yesterday was my cousin Nicholas's Christening. My old friend, Father Martin performed the ceremony as my cousins are members of his parish. There were two families in having a baptism that day, and when he put his glasses on to give his sermon, he finally noticed me. He stopped in the middle of what he was saying and came down to greet me. "Michael! How are you?" As he leaned over to shake my hand, Kristy wispered to me "You just crashed the Christening!"

In his sermon, father reminded us that we are bound to pick up some of our parents traits (reminding the parents to be an example to their children).. I leaned over to Kristy and said, loud enough for Mom to hear me, "With enough therapy, I hope to avoid that!" Kristy started giggling, and my God-mother poked mom in the ribs laughing also. =-P

Went to the station last night to visit Jeff while he was working a shift. Thankfully there were no calls, so I was able to stay with him a while. We watched a hillarious episode of Family Guy, then we watched Airplane on DVD, which I had never seen in its entirety. It was a good movie. I give Jeff a hard time because I don't get to see him much, due to what I would consider a hellish schedule, but I appreciate, enjoy, and look forward to the time I do get to spend with him. He's a great guy, worth being patient for.

I had an appointment before work today, and had an hour to kill before my shift started. I decided to run some errands instead of driving home, only to have to turn around and go back. I stopped at Burlington Coat Factory, and noticed they had Easter stuff out. I walked over, and saw that they had plush Easter baskets in the shape of PEEPS! I wanted one so bad!! I LOVE peeps!! They had the baskets in the shape of the peep birds in various colors. They had the peep bunnies, but those are stupid.. it has to be the chicks. I made my way to Target, and found they had little peep bean bag "animals"... and for $3.00 -- I had to get two. One yellow and one blue to use as Easter decorations. Even though Chocolate is the only kind of candy I really like, I do eat Peeps at Easter. Every kid who grew up in the 80's remembers Peeps, and it wouldn't be Easter without them. Oddly enough, I have no desire to buy marshmellow chicks... only on Easter Sunday I guess.

>:-O

I'm tired of people. I'm tired of coming home and having to listen to my family bitch and yell... then go into work to pick up the slack left by others.

My Dad is having surgery tomorrow, and I guess my Mom wants us to be wrenching our garments and cry our eyes out.. otherwise we're "ungrateful" I guess. I should have volunteered to make dinner tomorrow, even though I have to be to work at 5. Let them make a peanut butter sandwich, just like I end up doing when I come home from work at 9:30, starving, only to find out everyone went out for dinner.

Every day I go into work, before I even swipe my badge and clock in, I get a shout out from a manager telling me how I'm working yet another shift by myself, or am expected to act as a Fuji technician (which is NOT my job) because the machines are down AGAIN! -- OR, my schedule gets jerked around and they have me coming in on days or times I'm not available, as if the reason "we're short staffed" is supposed to make it ok with me. Is it my fault we haven't had a manager for weeks, and probably won't any time soon?

Why is it I have to be on top of everyone else's lives, remember everything they are doing, help where I can, and being supportive when most people don't remember me? I've had two fevers in the past week... Jason was the only one to check on my progress. I had a major Bio exam, and he again was the only person to follow up on how I'm doing in this class from hell.

I'm gonna start exploding at people, and they're going to turn around and say "What's the matter with Mike all of a sudden???"

Damn that Ghetto Booty

My friends at work started teasing me ever since I started dating Jeff that, now that I "have" a man, I can stop worrying about being "thin". First off, I'm far from "thin", and clothes can hide a great multitude of fright, and secondly, I'd like to "keep" Jeff interested.

The winter months are pretty hard to keep the pounds off. Because of the cold, I can't walk as much on campus, it's harder to work out in the garage, and walking outside is often times impossible or not worth it. Lack of sunlight also decreases motivation, and increases a person's appetite, making it much harder to stick to a balanced diet without diverting one's attention to comfort foods. I have indeed noticed an increase in my mid section, and I'm annoyed to say the least. I actually had to go up a notch on my belt.. thankfully it is only one notch, but still it's one notch in the wrong direction. The fat has to go!

Dad and Joey assembled the elliptical machine the other day, though because of being under the weather, I was too weak to try it out. Dad went on it for two minutes and was winded, which peaked my curiosity. I decided to give it a try today, and thought I was going to have a heart attack after 5 minutes. I literally had to get off the damn machine.

It's a rather awkward style of exercise, like riding a bike while standing. I almost feel as if I'm trying to keep myself standing, and my butt instinctively wants to be sitting, as if riding a bike. After ditching the machine from Hell, I wandered off to watch an episode of Friends, while munching on a bowl of Doritos. After consuming the chips, my mind focused its attention on my pot belly and ghetto booty. I decided to give the elliptical another shot.

I altered my motion on the machine, swaying side to side a bit, almost like skiing, to try and compensate for the odd new type of motion. It seemed to help, as long as I remembered to move like I was skiing, versus just going for a walk. While it made keeping vertical a little easier, I still "felt" the burn in my legs and thighs (which is a good thing!), and my heart rate certainly increased quickly. This too can be seen as a positive thing, since you burn calories when your heart rate increases, and it took me at least 20 minutes on the treadmill to get my heart pumping faster than normal. This time I managed to last 10 minutes before admitting defeat.

I suppose it is something I just have to get used to. After all, when I first bought a bike about two years ago, I was winded just going around the block. After a while of getting used to the exercise, I am now able to go miles. I'm hoping the same thing will apply here.

"Dear God.. If I can't be thin, please make my friends fat!"

Ugh.

Woke up at 6am with a migraine headache. My second one this week. I couldn't even lay on my side, otherwise my eyes would even start to throb... it was as if I could feel my optic nerves throbbing as well. It left me in a little over an hour, though there was still some achiness left. I ended up not going to Mass, which irks me.

I really should go to the doctor, but my schedule this week really sucks, so I will probably use that as an excuse not to go. It will delay me having blood work done as well, which I'm pretty sure they will want to do. I'm hoping this is just a seasonal sinus infection thing, and will work it's way out. I know I should make it my priority to go to the doc, but what I should do, and what I end up doing are usually two different things.

Good Times

I had a Saturday off (actually, I have next weekend off too!!), so I decided to go over to Anne's for a visit. Visiting Anne is usually an all day thing for me, and today was no exception. I stayed for dinner, but left at around 8 (which is early for us) to go visit Jeff.

It was nice to see her again, and spend time with her, but she looks like shit.. to be blunt. She peeled back the bandages from her hand, and I almost vomited on the spot.. which she gets a kick out of. All those stitches! Now she really does look like "Raggedy Anne". She hobbles around with a cane now, like a wind up toy in slow motion. Though, that cane allows her to smack people without even getting up, so it's all good.

I made a cake from a new recipe I found online, and OMG was it good! Anne's daughter in law Mary stopped over, along with her two kids. I haven't seen them in years, and they have both sky rocketed in height since I last saw them. Today was Mary's 50th birthday, so everyone was teasing her for getting old. We offered her a piece of cake, and she informed us that she was on a diet... this woman is a stick, and she's dieting! I felt so fat next to her, I almost didn't have a second piece of cake... almost. Mary's daughter Chelsea gave up all kinds of junk food (with the exception of granola) for lent. My eyes bugged out.. ALL junk food?? Mary told us she grumbles about it too when she gets hungry, so I took the opportunity to point out she makes the sacrifice void if she complains about it. "Remember the Pharisees in the Gospel who wrench their garments and proclaim to the world all their fasts and self sacrifice, I assure you, they have been rewarded already." But then I reassured her I was just envious of her will power, and asked her to pray for me. =-P

Anne and I always seem to get into some sort of "deep theological conversation" when it's just the two of us. I tell ya, for all my own studies and knowledge, I wish I had half the faith that woman has. I have always had an overly questioning mind... over thinking everything from religion to people. Hell, I even question my own questions. Anne is by no means stupid, but has the faith of a child.. something I wish I had.