On my Soapbox

POP!

2012-01-19T21:49:00.000-05:00

I have been trying SO hard to stay positive and make things work. I have been so intent on moving forward, but the bubble ALWAYS bursts. It may stay there for a little while, but it pops in the end.. and I'm left where I was before.

Everything is always out of reach. You ever had that feeling? You can almost touch it and grab it.. pull towards you what you've wanted and work for. Then SNATCH. Gone.

It's been happening for quite some time now. I'm not over it yet.. nor am I used to it.

Sometimes you just want to stay down.

Tea Time

2012-01-04T21:23:00.000-05:00

My family are big coffee drinkers. When I was growing up, I remember Dad taking out the big air tight can of coffee in the morning, opening the lid and letting us kids smell the coffee grounds. I still love that smell - I love the smell of coffee.. I just hate the taste of it. Isn't that odd? To love the smell but dislike the taste?

Once in a while at large family dinners or when Mom had guests over, tea would be served. I never remember her using a teapot - only a microwave and the pedestal tea cups that went with her Corelle dishes. For some reason seeing them drink tea meant the occasion was something special - and in our house - having any company over was special (especially since Mom would go nuts cleaning in anticipation of a visit).

I tried tea when I was a kid but never cared for that either. It was less bitter than coffee, so I think after giving it a try over and over again I became accustomed to it. When I was in college, I always sat at my desk or on campus with a cup of hot tea at my finger tips as I poured over the course work. The subtle flavors were always soothing and had a calming and refining feel.

Since college, I found myself drinking gallons of tea a day. Okay.. maybe not GALLONS, but a lot! I have an electric kettle that always seems to be on - and I'm the only one who drinks the tea. I imagine I average about 12 cups (8 oz cups) a day - perhaps more on my day off from work.

Just before Christmas I went with my mother to a local antique shop. One thing my mother has come to appreciate about having a gay son is that she has someone to go antiquing with! Anywho... there is a little "restaurant" next to the shop we go to called "The White Linen Tea Room". They serve high tea there, run a catering business and make the best scones I've ever had. Usually I never pay attention to the place as I don't know many people who would enjoy high tea - and I never saw the pull of loose tea. Why get loose tea when I can get the tea bag stuff at the grocery store for a few bucks less?

We ventured in to pick up a present for a friend of ours (they sell some interesting little gifts in addition to tea) - and of course to have a free scone they always give to customers. I decided to pick up a box of loose tea and give it a chance.

The sales lady was very friendly and started telling me all about how to make tea properly. I kept thinking, "umm.. you boil the water, drop the tea bag in (or infuser in this case) and PRESTO - tea!". I never knew that keeping the tea bag or tea infuser in the water too long will spoil the taste of the tea. Some teas are only meant to steep for three minutes, some six minutes. After that, they can become bitter and the taste change drastically.

Who would have thunk it? All this time I was making tea the wrong way?

So I went home, followed the directions and brewed my new loose tea in my teapot (I like the formality that can go with the tea culture so I always used a teapot and cups and saucers). I let the tea steep for the five minutes it called for. MMMmm! So good! If you're a fan of tea, I highly recommend treating yourself to some loose tea! The flavors are better than anything I've had from a box off the shelf from Tops.

Tonight for the first time, I even noticed there are directions for making the tea properly on the box of a brand I do buy from the stores (I can't afford to be a total tea snob). It's only supposed to steep for five minutes versus just leaving the tea bags in the pot like I always have. So.. I tried it tonight (yes, I'm drinking some now). Again - what a difference! It does taste so much better!

I'd share my findings with my Mom, but she now only serves coffee to company. Shame.

New Year - New Game Plan

2012-01-01T13:17:00.001-05:00

Happy New Year to all my friends and readers out there in cyber land!!! I hope you rang in the New Year safely and with the ones you love.

It is traditional for people to make New Year's resolutions.. promises of change and improvement that they intend to keep as the new year unfolds -- a fresh start. Usually however, these resolutions fall by the wayside by February.

I however have a battle plan for this year to make some positive changes. I do want to focus on eating healthier -- though I'm not doing the typical drastic dieting that many people do at the start of the year.. which causes their momentum to burn out in a week or so. It will have to be a very gradual change with small baby steps towards an overall change in my eating habits. My biggest obstacle (right now) is getting rid if the Christmas cookies!!! Ugh, home-made cookies are my weakness!!

My second goal, which I have already begun working on, is my financial situation. For those who perhaps don't know, I still live with my parents at the ripe old age of 29. While I do have a small section of the house to myself consisting of bedroom, bathroom and small living room (plus my own entrance and patio), I crave my own freedom and address - not to mention more SPACE to call my own.

As my folks will tell you, saving money was never my strong suit. With my new job position at work which has given me full time status, I have begun to make better financial plans for my savings. I have gradually cut back on my spending - something else that is being accomplished in baby steps - but showing positive improvements. I have enough money saved up for a month's rent... which seems rather insignificant to most, but is a far cry from not having a savings account at all over the past few years.

I have allotted a chunk of my pay check to be directly deposited into my savings account - the equivalent of what I plan to spend on rent per month - to build up funds. I hope to be in the situation to move into an apartment before Christmas season 2012... but if it takes a few more months of savings past that, that works too... it's a fluid time line depending on what I can set aside and what apartments in my price range and area I'm looking to live become available.

One positive aspect of my past spending is that I have most of the essentials for when I do move out. I have a small sofa and living room furniture - lamps - a full set of dishes - kitchen utensils and silverware - pots and pans - hell, I even have a vacuum cleaner. It's now a matter of saving up for the rent and utilities.

It seems like a daunting challenge at times, but one I am passionate about and know I will achieve. I look forward with great enthusiasm to achieving and sustaining this goal in particular and know it will be a positive change and step forward in my life.

I'm ready for you, 2012.. this is going to be a great year!!

AAaahhhh chooooooo!

2011-12-06T15:44:00.000-05:00

I think I am just recovering from the plague. I have no idea what bug it was I caught, but the damn thing won't leave! Today is the first day since Friday night that I can actually move around and get things done without needing to collapse and nap. Thankfully I had enough sick time to call off this week and have tomorrow off to make sure I'm over this -- whatever it is.

Since Friday I've felt like "death warmed" over as the old adage goes. My co-worker was just out with the flu, but we had different symptoms. She had the type you can lose weight from (if you catch my drift) -- whereas I have been achy, weak, congested, coughing and a throat redder than the coals of Hell. If this was a cold, it was a cold on steroids!!!

When I woke up to go to Mass Sunday I saw I had an email on my phone from an old friend from my former parish. She told me my best friend Anne (who is suffering from brain cancer) has had to move into a nursing home after suffering from a small stroke recently. Despite being sick - I stopped in for a brief visit after Mass (I was able to regain my strength on the car ride from the city to NT). I didn't get to close to her so as not to share the plague that had claimed me... but wanted to just say hello and let her know I am around.

It bothers me to see such a vital - charismatic - independent lady reduced to a wheel chair in a small nursing home room. She tries to keep up her sense of humor - which has won her favor with the nurses and aids, but you can see the fire in her eyes has diminished greatly. Still though, we manage to make each other laugh.

I miss our long talks into the wee hours of the morning over numerous pots of tea. You know how some people just click and can talk for hours? That's Anne and me.. and I always valued that time together. Tea with her was always nice in and of itself aside from the conversation - real china cups and saucers - never a mere MUG. "My mother would KILL me if she saw me serving guests tea in a mug!". I always enjoyed the little extras - and she sure knew how to make anyone who walked into her house feel like a king or queen!

Once I've recovered fully, I'll get to baking my Christmas cookies and bring her some next time I visit. It will be a good motivation to actually get the holiday baking done - I'm always in need of motivation these days!

Better to have loved and lost?

2011-12-02T19:10:00.000-05:00

I know a few people who are going through some rough break ups right now. I can see the pain they carry with them as they mourn the passing of this type of relationship in their lives. I wish I had some pearls of wisdom to share with them to ease their heartache - but my heartache is caused by never experiencing a relationship at all.

Every Christmas I find myself wanting one thing only: someone to share my life with. I used to jokingly tell people I'd written to Santa and asked for world peace and a boyfriend. Neither ever came true.

Holidays are tough for me, I'll be honest. Each day of the year I feel the loneliness - especially at the end of the day when it's just me... but holidays are the worst.

I've never experienced buying Christmas presents for someone I love (in that way) - or snuggling up together looking at the tree lights. So many moments, feelings and metaphors expressed in Christmas songs are only known to me through characters in movies.

It's the worst time of year to lose someone you love - it's harder still for those of us who never have loved.

Old Time Radio Shows

2011-11-29T22:31:00.001-05:00

Now that I have this amazing Internet radio, I have downloaded some old radio shows and put them on a flash drive which is compatible with the radio. Have I mentioned how much I love this radio??

Anywho.. the radio series I'm listening to is "Our Miss Brooks" from the late 1940s starring Eve Arden (she played the principal on GREASE) and Gale Gordon (the second Mr. Wilson on the original DENNIS THE MENACE). Miss. Brooks is a high school English teacher and the series centers around her life and the people in the school. Makes me nostalgic for working in a classroom again.

I have listened to some episodes before (they air them from time to time on a local radio station), but now I'm trying to listen to as many episodes as I can download off the Internet.

Radio shows can be a lot of fun. Unlike television or movies, you create the "set" or surroundings in your mind.. even what the characters looks like. The dialogue is richer since the audience needs more detail to picture exactly what is going on. You can't see a confused look on a person's face, for example, so the dialogue has to get that point across to the listener. It's like being read aloud to from a fascinating series of short stories - "theater of the mind" as the local station calls it.

I'd love to see a revival in radio shows. I'm not saying it should make television obsolete, but I think people would enjoy a good radio series or two. With all the electronic devices we have, they would be great to listen to on the go via your smart phone or laptop.

If anyone would like to start a radio series - let me know. I have a few ideas... not to mention I have a great voice (and face) for radio. Ask my co-workers! I can do more voices and impressions than a person with multiple personality disorder.

Christmas Memories

2011-11-27T12:25:00.000-05:00

I put up my tree last weekend - a week before I normally would. I had a hellish schedule to work this Thanksgiving and knew I wouldn't be in the mood to do it this weekend. - Oh yes, thank you to all of you who support the Black Friday madness - I didn't get to have Thanksgiving dinner with my family because I had to be at work for you. *gets off soap box*

Anyway, decorating the tree is always like a trip down memory lane. I have a wide range of ornaments from vintage 1930s to plush animals to recent Hallmark ornaments. The serve as reminders of Christmases past - and the people who gave them to me - or the places I visited when I bought them. That's part of the magic of Christmas.. reliving fond memories of days past and friends and family who may be gone. All of that wonderful nostalgia gets brought back up during Christmas time.

As I looked at the ornaments I thought it might be neat to share some of my Christmas stories with my readers.. all three of you. Might make a nice distraction for the chaos that tends to be on the flip side of the Christmas holiday.

--------- The Christmas Angel ------------------

My Grandparent's always had an angel on top of their Christmas tree. In fact, until recently, I always had an angel on top of my own tree because of the fond memories I have of Christmas at their house - though this year I opted for a 1940's star. Anywho--- I remember one Christmas Eve when the angel on Grandma's tree became a focal point of the holiday.

It was the late 1980s and the angel on the tree was well over a decade old. A few days before Christmas, the lights in this angel finally gave out. These were the days before fuses in the plug could be changed or perhaps it was the type that when one bulb went out, they all did.

I remember Gramps sitting at the kitchen table trying to get the lights to work, but to no avail. He finally admitted defeat and simply put the angel back on the tree. Without it's lights, I remember the top of their Christmas tree looking so dark.

Gram and Gramps went to a few stores looking for a new angel, but didn't find anything they liked. So when Christmas Eve rolled around - which back then was when we had the big dinner at their home - the top of their tree remained dark.

I remember very clearly sitting on their living room sofa looking at the angel, wishing it would work for just one more Christmas - just for Grandpa's sake.. he worked so hard on it trying to fix it. Within a few minutes, the angel's lights suddenly came on! The angel remained illuminated for the rest of the night, but never worked again after that Christmas.

To this day I remember that moment as a Christmas miracle - a very simple miracle, but one that always comes to mind. Some times it's the simple things that stay with us... I don't remember a single present I got the Christmas, but I do remember that angel giving us one more Christmas of light!

New contraptions

2011-11-24T00:46:00.000-05:00

I am so up to date with technology - well, up to date if it were 1947 perhaps. I'm one of the few people left who listens to the radio at home - not just in the car. I actually have an old Philco 1941 console radio that I'll use to listen to music the news. I find that I'm multi-tasking so much on the computer I don't pay attention to the television screen - in fact, I rarely turn it on these days.

Any who... the old Philco doesn't get great reception and depending on the weather, my favorite stations come in rather fuzzy. People have been telling me for a while to try Internet radio - digital radio stations and providers like Sirius and Pandora. I've used Pandora on my phone to listen to when I work out, but my computer's speakers are HORRIBLE, so it's not enjoyable... I never gave much though to it.

THEN.. quite accidentally, I stumbled across a retro styled Internet radio. It was love at first site!! With the classic styling of the 1940s paired with modern technology and gadgets, what's not to love??? So I snatched up this little beauty and there it was waiting for me after work today. JOY!

I'm hooked! The stations are so clear and there are SO many to choose from. I already have about four Big Band stations programmed into the radio. I'm amazed at what it can do. It's not a cheap retro knock off like the Crosley radio products... this is a solid sound system with some awesome features -- or maybe I'm just easy to impress.

I decided to stay up late tonight in the hopes I'll sleep in later tomorrow (Thursday) since I have to work the horrible 12 hour shift at work starting at 5 and continuing to "black Friday" morning. So what have I been doing most of the night? Drinking tea and listening to the radio! Good God I have no life. Maybe this is why I'm single??? Nahhh.....

Any who - after a night of tapping my toes and wishing I could jitterbug, I guess it's off to dream land for this fellow.

Good night to all of you in radio land.. I mean... cyber space!

Giving Thanks

2011-11-15T17:40:00.001-05:00

Thanksgiving is just over a week away. Where is the time going??

When I was in school November took forever - especially for Thanksgiving to arrive. I used to love this time of year - the first snowfall, the anticipation for the upcoming Christmas season (stations didn't start playing Christmas music the week after Halloween!) the amazing dinner Grams would cook, enjoying a turkey coma sleep the next day and putting up the Christmas tree that weekend. That's all changed now - I have to work on Thanksgiving... an overnight 12 hour shift. So much for that holiday... damn you adulthood!!!

I'm trying to remind myself that Thanksgiving isn't just about the dinner, it's about counting your blessings and being thankful for what you have. That's not easy for me to do. As time goes by, the dark cloud hovering above me seems to be growing ever larger - like my waist line. Not getting to enjoy the Thanksgiving holiday with my family and friends was the final nail in the coffin. While my family is enjoying a wonderful meal, drinks and laughs, I'll be working retail Hell so obsessed shoppers can stand in line forever and maul each other over a sale item. *gets off soap box*

There's been a trend on Facebook to post in your status things you are thankful for. Not a bad idea. Since I need a real pick me up, maybe a list of blessings is indeed in order.

I am thankful for:

1. my friend Anne being in my life for another year
2. my health
3. my parents
4. my new niece, Brittany
5. new job at work (even though it's still in the realm of retail)
6. co-workers who make life at work so much better! Especially: Jen, Tracey, Mallory, Christine, Renita, Holly, Maria, Angie and Dan (to name a few!)
7. developing a closer friendship with David and Anthony who have become amazing friends - as well as participating in their wedding. Their relationship keeps the small spark of hope alive in my heart that true love is indeed possible.
8. meeting and becoming friends with Rob and Greg - and watching them start a family together. I can't think of better parents!
9. paying off my car! (though it is time for a new one lol)
10. winning the lottery.

Ok, that one isn't true. Just wanted to see if you were still paying attention.

Skulls, Skeletons and Halloween

2011-10-30T16:43:00.001-04:00

I haven't blogged much in recent weeks but I would feel bad if I didn't make my usual entry about some historical facet of the upcoming Halloween holiday. Since Halloween is such a conglomeration of traditions and observances - many of which have long been forgotten to modern man - it's important to know where symbols and traditions came from.

You can't go to a Halloween store, party or Haunted House without seeing skulls and skeletons. In fact, death in general plays a large part in Halloween decor and costumes. Why this morbid fascination with death?

First we have to remember the meaning behind the term "Halloween". It comes from the old English All Hallow's Eve.. meaning the evening before All Hallow's Day - which we now call All Saints Day (Hallow being a word for something sacred or holy - holy people - Saints. Get it?). This memorial of all the Saints of Heaven is still observed within the Catholic and Anglican Churches. The following day, (November 2nd) is All Soul's Day.. a time to remember our departed friends and family - and most especially those who have died who have no one left to pray for their souls, or even carry on their memory.

All Hallow's Day (November 1st) and by extension All Hallow's Eve mark the traditional month of remembering the faith and works of our ancestors, and a time to remember our own temporal state - the sobering fact that we too shall die.

It is not uncommon to hear of ancient theologians, saints and popes who kept skulls on their desks all year round. No, they weren't into heavy metal - the skull served as a reminder of our own mortality, and that one day - death too would come to them (us). Death is the great equalizer, and no matter our stations and status in life, we too shall die.

While society and cinema have glamorized, commercialized and secularized All Hallow's Eve - the use of these traditional symbols of death still remain. We are reminded that death - whether we see it as frightening or not - is a part of life. Even Jesus faced death.. and was crucified on "the place of the skull" (Golgotha) - which is why some crucifixes have a skull and cross bones beneath them.

I have always found the study of death - burial - mourning customs - etc to be extremely fascinating and have never had a problem with the skulls and skeletons of Halloween. I don't really fear death per se.. but rather the means in which I will die.

It saddens me to hear Christian extremists condemn Halloween as satanic and pagan (though there is certainly intermingling between old pagan cultures and Christian cultures when the two came together) because of what they perceive as evil. If they would dig below the surface of their local costume shops and horror flicks on the Sci-fi channel, I think they would see a lot more value in some of the observances of Halloween. Sadly though, many Christians today are so focused on seeing evil lurking around every corner that they can't see the good in things.. the hope -- hope that comes even in death... the hope of eternal life.

Any way, that's my Halloween history lesson for the year. Next time you put out your fake tombstones and skeletons, note the old saying: Momento mori - remember, you will die.

Happy Halloween!! :)

Wedding Day

2011-09-17T19:10:00.000-04:00

I was thrilled to be invited to the wedding of my good friends, David and Anthony. They were married on September 3rd at the Buffalo Historical Society here in Western New York. I had the honor of being their official program passer-outer... aka: people greeter! Working where I do, I happen to have some background in people greeting :)

I must confess that normally I do not look forward to going to weddings or enjoy them much when I'm there. I have always gone by myself, and they usually serve as painful reminders of my perpetual bachelorhood -- not to mention the feeling of being excluded from such ceremonies because (up until recently) gay couples could not get married. I knew this wedding day was going to be different.. and in a very positive way!

For once I was not going to go to a wedding stag, or bringing my sister as a date. My friend Joe, whom I went to grad school with (where I also met one of the grooms, David) agreed to be my date for the evening. Though he is straight (which I try not to hold against him)... he was very good company and very attentive. He even permitted me to dance with him for the opening dance -- My first guy-guy dance at age 29! No, I wasn't starring lovingly into his eyes.. I was more concerned with watching David and Anthony glide across the dance floor in each other's arms.

I couldn't have picked a better atmosphere for a "small"-intimate wedding than the Buffalo Historical Society. It's marble steps and portico served as classy back drop to the wedding ceremony followed by a night of fun and dancing amongst the art deco ambiance of the interior. Add to that almost non-stop Big Band music and I was in Heaven!!

Even the guests added to the enjoyment of the evening. People seemed more sociable than at most gatherings. Random guests would come up to me and start conversations - making for a very interesting and enjoyable evening! It's always fun getting to meet and greet with new folks.

I made one new friend in particular - one of the ring bearers. He sat down next to me as I was having dinner outside on one of the marble steps, and we just started talking. You could tell that at the age of 6, he's very much and old soul... just like I was (am). He was such a sweet kid and became my other "date" for the night as he would often join me in watching folks dance the night away while making small talk.

What really made the evening special for me was not the art deco building and big band music.. or even the fact I had a male date (though the latter did make a positive difference).. it was seeing my two friends finally be able to publicly solidify their relationship in this time honored institution of marriage - an institution from which we have been excluded from for so long simply because we love a person of the same gender. I finally saw the feelings I have inside reflected in a ceremony and celebration that often left me feeling like an outsider... now, I felt.. well, normal! -- Though - define "normal". haha!

Contrary to the sky falling in response to a "gay wedding" - there were actually fireworks in the sky that night! No, they weren't purchased by the grooms -- there just happened to be a fireworks display across the grounds from the museum. As we all gathered on the portico to watch the bursts of color in the sky one couldn't help but marvel at how well things had fallen into place, and how beautiful the celebration of love can be - for anyone!

This wedding certainly left a joyous imprint on my heart and mind, and was an evening I will never forget. Maybe.. just maybe.. I'll find the type of love David and Anthony have for each other which they so beautifully celebrated this month.

New job

2011-08-24T21:05:00.000-04:00

I have been in my new position as Training Coordinator (Personnel) for about three weeks (full time) now. My training has been rather sketchy as our store scrambles to take on a couple hundred new employees to work in our new super center that is due to open in late October.

My main role right now is leading the new hire orientations... a task I really enjoy. It's very much like being in the classroom again.. only I'm not a substitute... it's my class. :) I have a lengthy guide (lesson plan) to follow, and I am slowly making it my own as I get more comfortable and familiar with the material contained within. Though I am still learning how to process all the paperwork that goes along with these orientations, I very much enjoy working and interacting with our new hires.. each group brings something new to the table.

I've also been helping schedule interviews as well as inputting data into our antiquated computer systems. Sadly, my numerous other job functions and training have taken a back seat to our mass hiring project.. but this is teaching me at least one aspect of my job in great detail.

Unfortunately, with mass hiring comes mass chaos. Paperwork is every where.. people just plopping things on my desk... asking random questions as if personnel knows everything about everything all the time... and of course, we always end up with too many cooks in the kitchen as they say. Everyone wants to be the boss, but not many want to roll up their sleeves and get the job done. I have been impressed and inspired by a core group of co-workers who have been diligently working to make this process work and are ALWAYS there to lend me a hand and help answer my questions.

It's now beginning to sink in that this is my new job (rather than just a temporary thing) - especially as I begin to forge a new routine to follow. For me routine is very important as I'm a creature of habit.

Despite still working in a retail setting, I no longer feel like a store employee.. I feel more like an office worker, and it's a very positive transition. Though it certainly has it's share of stresses.. especially now.. I find the work more rewarding and have a greater sense of accomplishment at the end of the day. Not dealing with the customers is also a great blessing and a welcomed change.. though I am quickly learning that working closely with management is not always an "easier" alternative. hahaha!

Though this is not my dream job, I am thankful for a positive step forward (especially now being full time permanently) and for the chance to use my skills as a teacher on a regular basis. The skills I am now learning from this experience will also transfer very well into the classroom should I ever be fortunate enough to land that ever illusive full time teaching position.

Even baby steps forward are steps in the right direction. Now if you'll excuse me, I need to crash from utter paperwork exhaustion.

Catching Up

2011-08-17T21:13:00.003-04:00

It's been quite a while since my last posting. I wish I could say I've been off on wonderful adventures or on an amazing vacation, but that's sooooo not the truth. Dare to dream though!

I recently transferred from my job in the Photo Center at my store to a position as Training Coordinator in personnel. It was a very slight pay increase, but it promised me full time hours. I would love to tell you what my new job functions are, but to be honest, after a little over two weeks of working in the office (though some of that time I was covering in my old department) I don't feel much closer to knowing my position.

Our store is in the process of moving as well as taking on over 200 new employees over the next two months. Naturally, personnel is right in the middle of all this. Talk about trial by fire! Some times I get so overwhelmed by people walking into the office and telling me what they need done that I feel like my head is going to explode. Not exactly the best time to learn whole new job functions - computer systems (which are archaic... one program is DOS based.. DOS BASED!! Who uses DOS anymore???) - and routine. My "training" has consisted of learning on the go and trying to take massive amounts of notes to try and get me by.

So far, I've been helping input information into the computer for new hires, calling applicants and setting up appointments for interviews. That's what my day to day job has consisted of - that and being a personal secretary to a new manager with the company who seems to think I work only for them. So basically when our personnel director (who is AMAZING) goes out of town soon for a week and I go to take over for her.. I'll know how to make phone calls.

It tickles me when managers ask me a question about how to do something and I have to tell them "I don't know". They look at me like I'm nuts.. like when my job code changed, I magically absorbed all the knowledge of a person doing this job for years. Granted, I'm learning from asking my NUMEROUS questions and attempting to learn the tasks asked of me... but it's not a practical or comfortable learning process.

I'm extremely thankful for many of my knowledgeable co-workers who have been helping me out, and taking time from their chaotic work loads to help show me the ropes and answer my questions. It's so un-nerving not to know my routine and have all the answers. I went from a job I could do in my sleep to finding myself asking for help every five minutes. Thank God I have friends there!! They've been wonderful and supportive!

Another job duty that I HAVE actually done is conducting new hire orientations. These typically last about 7 hours per orientation. It's set up very similar to following a classroom lesson plan.. something my teaching background has helped prepare me for - and is a job function that I'm hoping will look much better on my resume.

While doing the same lesson over and over again can get tedious, I do look forward to meeting and working with our new hires. I know how intimidating it can be starting a new job (and I'm getting a dose of that again with this position) in a new place.. so I want to make their first day on the job as pleasant as possible. What happens to them after orientation... that I'm a little concerned about. I'm nervous they are going to get lost in the craziness of the move and hiring focus.

I've also been trying to keep in touch with my friend Anne who is suffering from brain cancer. I went to see her for a brief visit last week and she looked horrible. I can't believe all the weight she's lost... and her energy is all but gone. It's so hard for me to watch her fade away like this - and know how much it hurts her to not be able to keep going. She's a person who has always needed to be busy.. needed to be "doing", and now that's all gone.

As we were talking, she told me how worried she is about leaving her husband (who suffers from Alzheimer's) behind. Through the 14 years I've known Anne.. and all the tragedy we've been through, I've never seen/heard her cry until now. Her wish is not to miraculously get better and live forever, but to simply be able to care for her husband so he won't have to be alone - and live in a nursing home. Even now, her main concern is the well being of those she loves.

Anne has always been a person who had such an enormous light inside her.. an incredible force of good in the world. While she never went to college or had a profession as we know it today, she made a remarkable impact on the lives of everyone she has come into contact with. There are often times I have wished I could give the energy and years I have left to people like that.. people who make a difference and have a light to share with others. It almost seems wasted on me.

Celebration and Pain

2011-07-07T14:09:00.000-04:00

There has been much celebration among my friends - and the gay community in general - about the recent passage of the same-sex marriage bill here in my home state of New York. Amongst the celebrations and tears of joy, I found myself (either directly or indirectly) bombarded with slander from my spiritual "family".

I knew the Catholic Bishops in America were going to have a field day condemning the passage of the same-sex marriage bill, but I don't think anyone can fully prepare themselves for rejection from people they love. For years I have struggled to adhere to a faith that I very much believe in and support, but one which sees me as a degenerate and sinner - in mortal sin and not worthy of Heaven unless I renounce the way in which God created me.

The first Sunday after the passage of the bill, I had to sit at Mass and listen to Father refute the senators for being so immoral... for further driving our country into greater sin. A large part of me wanted to get up and walk out - while the other part of me couldn't leave Christ at the altar and walk away from Him.

My heart always went out to those gay and lesbian brothers and sisters whose family - especially their parents - turned their backs on them when they came out. To have those whom you love so much see you as wrong or immoral is a painful blow to one's heart and soul. This pain is echoed in my own heart and soul as my own spiritual mother - Mother Church - has now revitalized its campaign against people like me... people who through no fault of their own or personal choice have been created attracted to members of the same gender.

Every Catholic news station or program I listen to is calling for Catholics to vote out of office those public officials who made the bold decision to support this positive step forward in human rights. While I rejoice at the legal recognition of "my" love... they cry out at what they see as an injustice against the "natural law" and against "God's law".

Two good friends of mine... two men... who have been in a committed relationship for years.. are in the process of adopting a child. I am so excited for them and find myself eager to share in their joy on "the side lines".. as a friend. I cannot think of two more caring and loving parents, and I know in my heart they will give a wonderful home to a child that has been neglected by his own biological parents. Then I think of what it would be like to raise my own children... and my inability to fully share with them my most precious possession: my faith. No child of a same sex couple would be able to be baptized in a Catholic Church and make the sacraments. It knocked the wind out of me when that realization entered my mind recently. -- For as much a part of me as my faith is, I could not hope to FULLY pass it on to any children I would have... even though at this point children are purely hypothetical.

It is not an easy time for me.. in fact, it's been a very painful and lonely time. I will always love the Church, but I also have to accept the great reality that according to official teaching, I am not accepted.

Where will I go from here? Only God knows.

Way to go New York!!!

2011-06-26T14:46:00.001-04:00

I just want to publicly thank (in this meager forum) ALL those who worked to get the same-sex marriage bill passed in New York State. From the courageous Senators who said "YES!" to equality, to those making calls and getting involved in peaceful demonstrations. -- THANK YOU!!

I cannot begin to tell you how I felt when the vote was passed. I'm not sure what was more exciting, the Governor stating he would sign the bill immediately or the MANY positive Facebook comments, posts and even text messages going back and forth all night.

Though I have been very blessed with a wonderful and supportive family and groups of friends who love me for who I am.. this is the first time in my life I feel like a truly equal citizen under the law.

Let me point out however, the passage of the bill may have been the easy part. Finding myself a husband... now THAT will be difficult!! :-P

The Fight for Marriage Equality in NY State

2011-06-15T22:26:00.000-04:00

When my younger sister was a senior in High School, she had to do a project for her Government class on some sort of current event. She chose the topic of gay marriage. When asked by her teacher why she chose that topic she replied: "Because my brother is gay and I want to see him get married." -- I'll always remember her telling me that for as long as I live.

My sister Kristy is six years younger than me and we went to the same local public High School. When I was a senior, there was a big debate about two boys going to the prom together. It was a big debate in our rather boring suburban High School. In the end, each boy went with a girl to the prom. The year Kristy graduated, I got a phone call from her one day with her on the other end of the line all excited. "Guess what??? They voted a gay couple for the 'cutest couple' category in this year's yearbook!!!". I couldn't believe how much had changed in just six short years.

Now, 11 years after I have graduated High School, we face another chance for positive change. The New York State Senate will soon be voting on whether or not same sex couples can legally marry in this state.

For those who regularly read my blog, it will be of no surprise to you that I am still single.. moving ever closer to impending spinsterhood. Despite my sister's desire to see me get married one day, my pessimistic sensibilities tend to get the better of me and convince me that's not "in the cards". My chance to marry however, should be decided by whether or not I find a life partner, not whether or not I have the legal right to marry at all.

As children, we have a keen ability to latch onto certain people fairly easily. Little kids will often taunt each other with the old rhyme: "Sarah and Joseph sitting in a tree... k-i-s-s-i-n-g. First comes love.. then comes marriage.. then comes Sarah in the baby carriage.." My personal favorite saying was usually used if you ever said you loved someone, like a best friend or a close relative: "If ya love him so much.. why don't ya marry him???" -- Even in the minds of little children, love and marriage go together. "First comes love.. then comes marriage.." But this is not the scenario for all of us.

Some people who are fortunate enough to find true love are forced to do without the legal recognition of that love and partnership and all the benefits it implies. Inheritance, parental rights and hospital visitation eligibility are only a few.

Gay and lesbian couples also lack the social benefits of a legally recognized marriage. When two men or two women have a ceremony or wear weddings rings, they are "flaunting" their sexuality. As long as they do it in the privacy of their own homes, people don't fuss.. but should they want to publicly celebrate their love and commitment to one another.. they have gone too far. What kind of message does that convey? Two men who love each other with their whole hearts and souls are "faulting" it if they want a public ceremony, but a man and a woman can have HUGE, elaborate weddings?? Hey -- I've seen "Say YES to the Dress" -- I know how much these shindigs cost!! Talk about flaunting it! - And don't get me started on Anniversaries!

At a day and age when marriage seemed to be going the way of the dinosaurs, gays and lesbians have been serving as witnesses to the importance of marriage.. whether performed in a Church or by a Justice of the Peace. That "little piece of paper" does make a difference for many people... and it should be available to ALL consenting adults.

What I have found to be most frustrating when debating this topic with opponents of same-sex marriage is that it's a debate over feeling. One of the hardest things to get another person to do is feel what you are feeling. Heterosexual opponents of Gay marriage don't have the attraction and feelings we homosexuals do and therefor have a hard time understanding where we come from. How do you prove feelings? How do you prove love?

I grew up admiring the close bond and intense love my maternal Grandparents had with and for each other. Sure, they had their share of differences, but no matter what, that intense love and connection was always there. I grew up wanting the kind of love they had for each other, and a similar life they had built together.... only no one told me way back then that I was to be excluded from sharing my life with someone in that way... through no fault of my own. Different always equals bad, right?

Though I am easily angered by the politicians and Church officials who speak out so vehemently against same sex marriage (and yes.. I said Church officials!!), I can't help but feel sorry for them. They don't realize that the very sanctity of marriage they are spending so much time and money to "protect" is the same marriage we believe to be sacred too.

I find that all I can do is pray.. pray to remove hatred from everyone's heart.. and pray that one day, those that spend so much time, money and effort to prevent people from getting married will one day invest that energy and those resources into promoting LOVE... which is what this topic is all about.

Shaping up!

2011-06-09T15:21:00.000-04:00

I did decide to go to this year's pride parade after all. My good friend Collin managed to convince me to make an appearance - and it's always nice to see so many of my friends out and about at the same time. I never know who I am going to run into!

The parade's after party gave me the chance to mingle with some facebook friends that I rarely get to see because of our conflicting schedules. It was also a great pleasure to see my friends Greg and Rob... my personal vote for one of the cutest couples in Buffalo.

-----

I've been fighting the "battle of the bulge" all my life... the bulge being my ever expanding mid section... and I have been gradually losing this battle for the past three year. Each summer I have steadily had to go up in waist size to fit into shorts. This year, I would need to squeeze my derrière into a 40 waist pair of pants. Oh hell no!

I promised myself I would never again leave the 30's range waste size and I'm not about to break a promise. I REFUSE to buy a pair of pants over a 38 waist!!!

Actually, a picture taken of me at pride drove home the point that something needs to be done. There I was, in a pair of jeans (because I refuse to wear shorts) looking frumpier than a worn out bean bag chair. This just will not do!!

Long ago I accepted the fact that I will always have a larger body size.. and even embraced the "bear-cub" image popular in gay culture.. but I don't like frumpy. Grrrr....

For the past month or so I have been stepping up my exercise routine, but now I'm really focused. For the past three weeks, I have been working out about 6 days a week. Now I am focusing on changing my diet as well. It has to be a gradual change so I don't lose control and binge eat... little steps towards a big goal!

I've done this once before and I can do it again. I once managed to lose 125 pounds... I think I can make it to my goal of losing 30.

Feel the burn! Boo-ya!

Pride?

2011-06-04T23:14:00.001-04:00

June is the month designated as "Gay Pride Month". I have often heard people comment that they didn't think it was fair to have a Gay Pride month when there is no Straight Pride month... so what's the big deal??

I shall tell you *gets on soapbox* -- For gays and lesbians, whether individuals accept us or not, we are still seen as an exception to the rule. In most states we still don't have the right to marry the partner of our choice, some fear prejudice from their families or within their workplaces which could lead to the loss of a job (or at the very least a very uncomfortable work environment).

I can't imagine heterosexuals can fully grasp what it is like for a gay individual to live in a world of heterosexism -- assuming that everyone is straight until proven otherwise -- accepting that heterosexual is the standard while homosexual is at best simply tolerated.

97% (my own estimate) of the ads you see on tv - books you see on the shelves - and even movies are geared towards heterosexuals and their lifestyle. I am invited to numerous weddings a year, see women showing off their engagement rings, giving shower gifts, baby gifts, anniversary presents - all geared towards straight couples. When was the last time you went to a store and saw two men or two women holding hands on the advertisement for a wedding registry? When was the last time you saw an Anniversary card at your local Target for a husband to give to his... husband? Perhaps these concepts do indeed exist, but in specialty shops and websites. We are certainly not proportionately included in the mainstream market.

It seems to be since the attitudes in the country assume people are straight until proven otherwise, then every day is straight pride day. "You" (heterosexuals) have it all -- so "we" use one month out of the year to get together as a sign of support and unity - to stand up and be counted - and to show we are not ashamed for how God created us... nor are we ashamed of the way we feel and love.

But now that I have poked my finger at the chest of heterosexism, I now turn my sight towards my "own people". When I first started attending the annual pride parade here in Buffalo back in 2003, I was overwhelmed by all the people who were there. I saw same-sex couples openly holding hands with one another, gay and lesbian parents with their happy/healthy children playing together as a family in the park. It wasn't until I started getting older and mingled more in the "gay sphere" that I realized that the happy couples and families were not goals easily achieved.

The luster of pride has begun to tarnish in my heart over the years as I have experienced the harshness and cruelty that can go on in the local gay community. I have often said that gay men (not being a lesbian I don't feel it appropriate to comment on them) have the worst character flaws of both genders -- while women will often laugh and joke about the "fabulousness" of their gay best friends.. and discuss the love and support they find among gays, I don't think gay men can say the same of each other. Gay men can be real bitches to one another. Plain and simple.

Even when considering all the taunts and name calling I endured in school, I never really felt as insecure about myself as I do when I'm around groups of gay men. Visitors to the Buffalo bars have commented on how cliquish Buffalo people can be... staring down new comers, but never going over to talk to them or include them. Guys size each other up based on looks and tend to ignore those who aren't members of their gym or who don't fit the "jock" or "twink" categories.

Meeting people from online isn't much easier. Profiles are very blunt about the high physical standards many men (many.. not all) have. Here are a few quotes from random local profiles I have copied and pasted:

* if i don't get back at you, either you're old, fat, sissy or ugly.
* Absolutely NO ONE over 30. Message me and you'll be blocked. (this person is 25 years old)
* I go to the gym and so should you. Don't bother me otherwise.
* Mainly here just looking at the hot guys, I might be interested in hanging out if you fit my criteria.

Certainly I believe there needs to be a physical attraction in a potential boyfriend/girlfriend. I know we don't go 100% on personality, but come on! Profiles like this are so easy to come by that it took me less than five minutes to come across the examples above. So I'm thinking that I've been perpetually single and that's the way it's going to stay.

I don't fit well into any of the neat little sub categories of the gay "culture" and while I am grateful for my share of friends, I find myself hoping for something more (that damn hope!). There are many nights when I feel very much isolated and alone... and sometimes being in a large crowd like the pride parade drives that loneliness home even more.

So while I do support the idea of Gay Pride month and the equality it stands for (in theory), I find that I personally do not feel I have much to be proud of. So if any of you out there feel being gay is a choice, I have to ask you in all seriousness.. would you choose this?

Life Lessons

2011-05-20T18:57:00.000-04:00

I've mentioned before on this blog and also on my Facebook account about my dear friend, Anne, who is suffering from brain cancer.

She underwent major brain surgery a few weeks ago, and although she is home now and under the excellent care of Roswell Park Cancer Institute, her doctors give her a time frame of around two years.

Despite our age difference (I'll be 29 and Anne will be 83), I never had a closer friend and confidant than I have had these 13 or so years with Anne. I'm naturally an old soul (some would say an old fart) and she is very much a perpetual young soul.. so the age difference balanced out well.

She has always been an example to me to not let life's obstacles beat you.. but to keep charging full speed ahead.. a life lesson I still have yet to learn. Despite being slowed by the cancer, the radiation and the chemo... she may have slown down, but she is still charging ahead. I admire her for her courage and her strength - not only in dealing with her own illness, but in caring for her husband who suffers from Alzheimer's disease.

I spoke briefly with her this evening before her next chemo treatment and she told me that she is now looking into assisted living apartments. "Did you ever think you would hear ME talking about assisted living?" No.. it's true, I never imagined this outcome for a woman so full of life and vitality, but I told her this decision proves her intelligence and bravery... to which she replied, "you calling me intelligent is something I never thought I would hear YOU talking about!"

It's so easy for us (and I certainly lump myself into this category) to wallow in self pity.. asking "why me?". While it's healthy to feel the emotions we have while we receive them.. to grieve and feel the pain or despair.. it's too easy to stay in that despair and let it consume us. Anne is accepting the inevitable.. as she always has.. and looking to see how she can keep moving forward.. even if it means big changes.

She has taught me a great many things about life during our friendship... sometimes just by being a sounding board for me to work out problems on my own. I'd like to think I taught her a thing or two as well over the years... and even she admits I have corrupted her a bit (she was such a nice "old" lady when I met her!). Now I have come to realize the very brutal reality that now she is teaching me to die. We don't discuss things like "life expectancy" or "how long she has"... we just talk about what needs to be done in life now.. and how to best accomplish those tasks.

She keeps telling me the punch line of an old joke.. that she doesn't want to go to her grave in pristine condition, but sliding into the grave bruised and worn out exclaiming: "Damn! What a ride!"

I ask all of you out there to continue to keep Anne in your thoughts and prayers.

Bring flowers of the rarest - bring blossoms the fairest...

2011-05-04T18:52:00.000-04:00

The month of May is traditionally dedicated to the Holy Mother. When I was a kid in Catholic school, I fondly remember the May Crowning processions in which a chosen student would place a crown of flowers upon the head of the Church's statue of Mary... and other students would place flowers near the statue in her honor. When I would come home from school, I'd make my own "May altar" which consisted of a bust of Mary that I had - which I would crown with a paper crown - and two or three carnation flowers I'd buy from the local 7-11.

Every May I think of my yearly trek to the 7-11.. which is now a used car dealership. I would be so proud to ride my bike and purchase flowers for Mary with my own money. Where I got the money I don't recall.. since I always did this in secret. Some how, I can't imagine Mom giving me the okay to spend money on flowers.

It is for this reason that I think carnations have always been my favorite flower. I love them - their very scent brings such happy memories.

This year, as I have done since I was a kid, I went and bought Mary some carnations. I went to Wegman's on the way home from work and picked up a small bouquet. When I do this, I not only like to honor my heavenly mother, but I try to remember and recapture some of the simple faith I had as a child. Too often as an adult I am obsessed with over thinking everything.

Once while dating my first boyfriend.. we got in a big fight. He was wrong (naturally hahaha!) and thought he could win me over with flowers (something he knew I loved but never once bought for me). He came home one day with a single carnation. I remember thinking, "who buys ONE carnation?". They are the cheapest flowers at the flower shop. While I liked the flower, it didn't get him out of hot water.

As I placed the flowers next to my statue of Mary I asked: "Since I'm giving YOU flowers, would you send me a guy who will bring ME flowers?" We'll see what her response is. :)

Achy Breaky Heart

2011-05-03T23:14:00.000-04:00

I had a very creepy start to the day. There I was, minding my own business with my ass in a chair, waiting for the water in the kettle to boil so I could have a jumbo cup of tea before work. Out of no where, it felt as if someone was squeezing my heart... a pain that radiated to my back.

I am no stranger to back pain.. having had bad flair-ups of "sciatica" (a term I feel doctors use when they have no idea the exact problem with your lower back). This was similar, only it now involved my heart.

"Am I having a heart attack or did I simply pull something??" -- I made my way to the phone and called my Dad. I knew he was probably out on his walk, but figured I could get his opinion over the phone. He at least has had some emergency response training and has also lived through a heart attack. No answer. Ugh.. so much for the convenience of cell phones!

The tightening in my chest was so bad I couldn't make the stairs on my own. I grabbed a near by walking stick (aka my pimp cane) to help me up the stairs. I don't know how I made it to the top, but I did. I stood there, leaning on my walking stick, unable to move. In the loudest voice I could muster, I got my Mom's attention and managed to sit in a chair.

It was a scary feeling to say the least. The pain is one thing, but the thought of a heart attack is quite another. Mom wanted to call the ambulance.. I said no. I hadn't even showered yet. I wasn't going any where! There was no pain in my jaw or in my arm -- I took two aspirin to be on the safe side.

Still not being able to get a hold of Dad, Mom made me promise to stay put while she took a quick shower in case I did decide to go to the hospital. Never being one to follow sound advice, I seriously debated making my way back downstairs to shower and get dressed while Mom wasn't around. If I wasn't going to the hospital, I had to leave for work in a half hour! Decisions - decisions.

Just as I thought the pain was going away, it flared up again and I decided not to risk moving. After about 20 minutes the pain subsided enough that I could shower and get ready for work.

I am now convinced it was all just some sort of muscle spasm caused from the exercising I have been doing lately. I felt fine all through work, just have a slight soreness in my chest.. like if you've ever had a bruise after hitting something -- not painful per say.. but enough to remind you it's there.

After all this drama, I was only 5 minutes late to work. I rock!

Beatifcation of John Paul II

2011-05-01T20:38:00.000-04:00

The Church has just beatified the late Pope John Paul II of blessed memory... taking him one step closer along the official path to sainthood. So what do we see in the media? Constant news reports of sex abuse scandals -- just like we saw during Holy Week. The media is always looking to trash Catholics.. and always seems to do so during our most solemn occasions.

Whether you are Catholic or not, one cannot deny the positive impact that John Paul II had upon the world - his support of life and his tireless effort to end communism in Europe. Though we may disagree with some things he did (show me a person you agree with 100% on all issues!), we cannot disagree on his unending devotion to Christ and His Church... his personal holiness and conviction.

Though he is not yet a saint.. he is one step closer in the tedious examination process that makes one a saint. Part of the reason for the quickness of this process so far is that many of the people in charge of examining the life of John Paul II in the Vatican offices knew the man well and can attest first hand to his holiness.

What is a Saint anyway? Why are saints important? My unofficial and personal answer is that a saint is someone who is still used to do Christ's will even after their deaths. Our Lord has always used others as vehicles to deliver His messages and graces to man kind (such as the angels in scripture) - and still makes use of individuals whom He uses as example to others of holiness and Christian charity/love.

"We love you, John Paul II!"

This & That

2011-04-28T06:47:00.000-04:00

This week, Buffalo has jumped not into Spring.. but into summer. At least that is what it has felt like the past two days. Last week we had some flurries and this week the temps reached the low 70s! Our "springtime" seems to have gotten the short end of the stick this year.. either being cold and wet or unseasonably warm.

Tonight I slept with the windows open. Even after the sun had gone down the temps were still in the mid 60s and humid from the rain we have been getting off and on. It wasn't until this morning that I noticed a stark difference in the world around me... BIRDS! I have become so used to the isolation of being locked up in the house for the colder months that I have forgotten the beautiful background songs of our native feathered friends.

Just as I get excited at the first signs of a new season like the first leaves changing or the first snowfall, the first appearance of the robin is a sure sign that spring has arrived. Although the robins have been back for some time now - and we even have a nest of them just outside my bedroom - it's the song of the birds that is telling me summer can't be far off.

I always think of my Grandfather (Gramps) when I see robins. He had a very simple sense of humor and a simple way of joking with us kids. He loved to tell us non-sense stories that to any adult would seem just plain stupid.. but when he told them in that voice that he ONLY used when speaking to children under 7, it made a lasting imprint of simpler times and simpler joys. Often he'd make up stories along the lines of The Three Bears, substituting anything he could think of for the bears. His favorite story would be: "Once upon a time there were three robins sitting on the fence..... and they all flew away." That was it... end of story. But coming from a man who was otherwise so straight laced, it was funny to us kids.

I've been trying to get up to the rehab center to visit my friend Anne as much as possible. I had a nice visit with her and some of her family Easter Sunday. Two weeks ago doctors found a large brain tumor during an MRI... and three days later she had major surgery to remove it. Sadly, the tumor was found to be cancerous, which is never a good thing... but even worse when those cancer cells are right in the brain.

She seems to be recovering well.. and at 82 is doing much better than I would be after major surgery. Anne always did have a wonderful disposition and positive outlook, always trying to accept the things life throws at her. She seems to have a permanent smile on her face which can still light up a room. We tease her about her shaved head (and she makes jokes too) and laugh at the many "hole in the head" cliches. It would be so easy for someone in her place to wallow in self pity and despair, but she just keeps puttering along... an example to people of all ages that attitude is everything!

She had her first visit to Roswell, our local cancer research hospital (and one of the best in the country!) to see about the extent of the brain cancer and what can be done. I've been hesitant to call her - knowing she probably has visitors - but I've been on pins and needles wondering how her first appointment went. I'm hoping to go and see her tomorrow.

I tell her that the one good thing in all this is that it is infinitely easier to visit her now that she is a captive audience. That woman has always been on the go - doing for others with a passion only Mother Teresa could relate to - so pinning her down for a visit was sometimes difficult.

I'm trying to follow Anne's example and keep a positive outlook... despite my hardcore pessimistic tendencies. If any octogenarian can kick cancer's ass.. it would be Anne!!

Sacred Triduum and Easter Sunday

2011-04-24T23:42:00.000-04:00

I was hoping to blog each day of the Sacred Triduum (Holy Thursday, Good Friday and Holy Saturday) explaining the complex traditions and observances of the days -- in my characteristic Catholic-History-Geek way, but as has been the case lately.. time seemed to escape me. So I'll make up for it now! (in an abbreviated version anyway) :-P

Holy Week (Palm Sunday through Holy Saturday) has always been a time of great spiritual renewal for me. I love our rich traditions and observances. Sadly though, working in retail I don't often get to fully participate in the liturgical celebrations.

Holy Thursday is the time when Catholics celebrate Christ's instituting of the Mass and the Eucharist -- done at the Last Supper. After the Mass, the altar is stripped bare in preparation for the solemn remembrance of the passion of Christ on Good Friday. The blessed sacrament is removed from the main tabernacle and placed in a side chapel adorned with flowers and candles where the faithful can stay and pray before our Lord present in the sacrament for the remainder of the night.

I had to miss the Mass, but stopped in for prayer and meditation after work. It's nice to be there when the Church has quieted down, and there are only a few of us there - coming and going all night - to visit the blessed sacrament. I always think of Christ's admonishment to His apostles who fell asleep during his agony in the garden: "Could you not stay awake for one hour?" -- I often hear Him saying: "could you not visit me for one moment?"

This Liturgy also includes the washing of the feet of 12 men.. in imitation of Christ washing the feet of his 12 apostles before the Last Supper. This part always made me uncomfortable and I was always glad I was not one who had to have his feet washed. I could totally sympathize with Peter who felt embarrassed to have Christ wash his feet. It is a good practice in humility though.. both for the priest and those whose feet he is washing. For the rest of us, it is also a public reminder of the humility we should all strive for as well as the charity we should show to one another.

Good Friday is the day we remember Christ's passion and death on the cross. Traditionally, the priest wore black - the traditional color of mourning. Symbolic of the sadness of Christ in His suffering and His brutal death upon the cross. Sadly, in an effort to be a bit more acceptable to "modern tastes", the Church has since adopted the use of red - which they claim is not symbolic of blood, but the symbol of royalty.. for Christ the King. I always thought the color for royalty was purple.. but I digress.

In this Liturgy (there is no Mass or consecration on Good Friday), the priest holds up the crucifix exclaiming: "This is the wood of the cross, on which has hung the savior of the world". Kneeling, we respond: "Come let us adore!" After the cross processes through the Church, the faithful then have the opportunity to come up and venerate the cross - symbol of Christ's suffering - by kissing the cross.

It is always humbling and moving to be attending the Good Friday Liturgy or meditating on the Stations of the Cross at 3pm - which is said to be the hour when Christ died. It's just such an awe inspiring moment to think of everything that happened at that moment in history. If you read the account in the Gospels: the sky growing dark, the earthquakes, the veil in the temple ripping in two. I can't imagine what it must have felt like to see and experience all of that!

Sadly, I did not make it to the Easter Vigil on Holy Saturday. This Mass is not for those who only go to Mass out of guilt and want to "get it over with" as quickly as possible. I love the richness of this Liturgy - though I rarely get to attend it any more. It begins with the blessing of the Easter fire - symbol that Christ is the light of the world - the light in the darkness of our sinfulness. The priest blesses the paschal candle (that big candle used at baptisms).. and lights the candle from the newly lit Easter fire.

The Easter Water... symbol of our Baptism and washing away of sins - is also blessed, and the holy water fonts of the Church are again filled after having been empty since Holy Thursday (or Palm Sunday).

Easter Sunday is the culmination of all the anticipation of the season of Lent... our penance and waiting is now over and it is time to rejoice! I love how the Churches are decorated.. and the wonderful scent of Easter flowers fill the air. Everyone was in their Easter best... one thing I love about my parish.. people still dress to go to Mass!

Going to the "older" traditional form of the Mass, our celebration begins with the singing of the "Vidi Aquam" - "I saw water coming forth from the temple
on the right side, alleluia:
and all those to whom this water came
were saved, and shall say, alleluia, alleluia." (of course we chant it in Latin).

For me, hearing this and seeing the priest bless the congregation with the Easter water from last night's vigil is the official start of Easter!! Reminder that we have been washed clean by the sacrifice of Christ.

After Mass I headed over to my Aunt Joan's house to have brunch with my Dad's side of the family. I swear someone in our family needs to move into a hall or something because we always manage to cram a big group of people into the smallest houses! haha!

My Aunt Joan always puts out a nice spread for brunch while we all laugh and catch up with one another.. as the younger kids hunt for their Easter baskets.

I was treated to another lovely meal at my brother and sister in law's home tonight where Katie out did herself yet again. Katie has an appreciation for elegance and class, and it shows in how she sets and table and serves a meal!!! As always the food was out of this world - and it's nice to watch my little nephew enjoy his Easter in the same home my brother and I did when my Grandparent's lived there. - Religious traditions aren't the only ones I like to see preserved!

I'm very fortunate to have the family and friends that I do... who make holidays like this so wonderful!

I hope all of you have a wonderful Easter season!!

Eulogy for a Parakeet

2011-03-13T19:04:00.000-04:00

This past Wednesday I lost my feathered companion of nearly 10 years. After miraculously recovering from a near fatal respiratory infection at Christmas, my beloved "killer"-parakeet, Tiki, finally gave up the ghost.

I know there are so many people out there who don't understand a person's attachment to animals. I ofter struggle with whether or not we even have the right to keep animals in our homes, rather than letting them remain in the wild. But for those of us who do welcome an animal into our lives, they have a way of touching our hearts forever.

Almost 10 years ago my younger sister insisted on getting a parakeet. A friend of hers was working for a woman who bred birds and hand raised them... allowing them to be much more social than a bird who has spent it's youth only with other birds. My mother was absolutely opposed to the idea... I on the other hand fought the case for my sister. After all, when I was in middle school I had pets of my own (a mouse and later a hamster). I thought it would be good for my sister, and naturally I wouldn't mind helping out where I could.

After wearing down Mom's resistance, we finally went and picked out a bird. Kristy settled on a beautiful blue parakeet - and we gave it the name "Tiki" after the Disney World attraction, "The Enchanted Tiki Room"... the place where loads of animatronic birds sing and dance.

Initially we thought Tiki was a male. It was actually suggested to us that we get her (thinking she was a male) because male parakeets can learn to talk and also tend to have a more mild demeanor. For years, Tiki fooled us.... though we should have guessed her true gender when she would boldly bite our late golden retriever's nose any time he stuck it in her cage, and would ride fearlessly on his back throughout the house --- and drew blood from my father on numerous occasions -- learning that once you teach a bird something (he taught her to bite) it's hard to UN-TEACH it.

It wasn't until we started bird-sitting for a neighbor's parakeet that we discovered Tiki's true nature. When put in the same room as a male, Tiki's biological alarm clock went off and she became an egg laying factory for years to come. "Tiki-man" as we had called the bird became "Tiki-woman". I thought her first egg was hysterical.. my sister thought it was disgusting.

As my mother had envisioned, the novelty of having a bird quickly wore off for my sister, so Tiki became my sole responsibility -- though she remained in my sister's bedroom for most of her life. Not being afraid of the little blue powder puff's temper tantrums, I had no qualms about her being out of her cage. We quickly bonded - a type of bond I didn't know birds were capable of. She knew the sound of my footsteps - even the sound of my car. She would be mostly silent for the majority of the day, and then hear my car pull up or my footsteps coming through the front door and she would start chirping up a storm.

In the early years when she could fly, her and I loved to play tag. She'd sit on the roof of her cage and I'd take off down the hall way -- and she'd come zooming after me. Of course we couldn't do this when Mom was around... as the very sight of Tiki outside the confines of her cage caused my mother to go into cardiac arrest.

Tiki's fierceness and bold nature earned her the nickname of "killer parakeet". Though she did have a very sweet and gentle side, I learned on a few occasions not to cross her. Once, while she was sitting on her cage roof gazing at herself in the mirror, I tried to give her a kiss on the back. When I held her, she was fine with getting kissed and pet.. but once she was perched on her house.. she wanted to be left alone. As I would lean in, she'd turn around and peck at me -- I'd try again.. and again, she'd whip around and peck. Finally, with a slight laugh, I leaned in and kissed her... she whipped around like a shot.. and grabbed my nose with her beak... just enough to make it bleed on and off all night. She taught me that when a bird says "no", she means it!

There are so many stories I could share about her, but there isn't enough memory on my hard-drive to contain them all. She kept me laughing on a constant basis... especially on days when nothing else in the world seemed to make me smile. Some of my fondest memories are just the two of us laying down, her nuzzled against my cheek... cooing her little heart out.

Her last day or so seemed to be rough on her. We're not quite sure what happened -- perhaps it was a burst of energy that people say we get before we die -- perhaps it was something else... but she was going crazy the day before she passed away. She would climb all over her cage trying to get out, and would keep falling from her perches, but would spring right back up and try again. We knew something was wrong. I'd take her out periodically and sit with her, and that would calm her down for a bit.

I couldn't sleep that night thinking of her, and around 12:30am I decided to check on her. I lifted the towel over her cage and saw her sleeping on the floor.. when she saw me she darted up and again attempted to climb the walls of the cage, signaling she wanted out. I took her out and over to the couch where we lay together for a while. She was restless, but eventually settled near my cheek.. pulling gently on the whiskers of my goatee every now and then when I would move my head to glance in her direction. I gave her a kiss on the back and returned her to her cage for her to sleep.

I dreaded waking up in the morning. I knew that if she had survived the night I would have to contact the vet to have her put to sleep. Her increased weakened state and inability to keep herself on a perch was a clear sign the tumor she had developed was finally taking it's toll... or her heart was simply too weak to carry on.

I finally got out of bed around 11:30am.. thinking that if something had happened, my parents would have surely woken me up sooner. As I went up the stairs, I noticed no one was home: Dad was on his walk and mom had gone to a doctor appointment. As I turned to go into the kitchen, I noticed the towel was taken off her cage, and expected to see her napping on the bottom. Sadly, I found she had passed... her little heart finally gave up after both my parents had left the house.

After taking a few minutes to compose myself I quietly laid her to rest in the garden in our back yard. The rain that was falling seemed to echo the tears that were welling up in my eyes as I laid my "baby bird" in the ground. The gift that God had graced me with for so long had now been returned to Him.

Theologians have argued for centuries whether or not animals have souls - and thus go to Heaven. I'm not God.. nor a theologian, but after having the companionship of a dog for 13 years and a bird for nearly 10, I have come to the conclusion that they certainly do. The way they bond with people, the insight into our souls that they seem to have tells me that there is more to them than just what we see on the outside. It is my belief that God gives us these companions to remind man how to love unconditionally.. something we seem to forget often.

The house is a very different place without Tiki... no chirps or squeaks... or squawks... radiating through the house. That simple yet beautiful presence is now gone, and we all feel it. I am consoled by a saying a friend told me when my dog passed away, and it can be modified for any animal who has touched our hearts: "Heaven would not heaven be, without my bird to welcome me."

Thanks for 10 years of companionship and love, Tiki-woman! Fly free!

Lent

2011-03-08T23:52:00.000-05:00

"Remember Man that thou art dust and to dust thou shalt return."

Ash Wednesday marks the start of the Lenten season... a time of penance, fasting and atonement for our sins. We make small sacrifices throughout these 40 days to remind ourselves of the ultimate sacrifice Our Lord made of Himself on the cross.

I shall refrain from my usual rambling about the history of various Lenten practices. If you miss these tidbits of information, you are welcome to view last year's Ash Wednesday post.

I'm always grumbling about how lazy Catholics have become. Many only do what they feel they "have" to... just going through the motions and not putting any real effort or thought into what they are doing. We've become obsessed with ourselves and concern only on what we "get out of it". Faith isn't like that. Our practices, customs and Mass are supposed to be about worshiping and glorifying God -- not making it "all about me". If you're not "getting anything out of it", maybe you're not putting anything into it!

I did over hear a conversation recently that really made me laugh, and perfectly summed up the whole idea behind Lent. This conversation was between two women: "Ugh, Lent is almost here isn't it?" - "Yea, Ash Wednesday is this week." - "I hate Lent. What a pain in the ass." - "Oh yea... Jesus fasted and wandered the desert, stayed up all night alone in the garden, was beaten up and crucified for you. And you have to give up meat on Friday, fast a little and maybe give up something extra for a few weeks. Yea.. you poor baby."

That woman made my day! :-)

I found this above image while browsing the internet. The author wanted to remind people that Lent isn't just about giving something up for 40 days (ie: chocolate), but it's for giving ourselves up to God everyday, and remembering all His human body had to endure.. giving our frail bodies the inspiration to keep going!

Letter to New York State

2011-02-23T18:56:00.001-05:00

Dear New York State,

For over 10 years now I have had to work hard, pay my taxes and abide by the laws of the state. I continue to work hard at a poor paying retail job while living with my parents all so I do not have to bother you for welfare and financial assistance.

When I was in school I was told to work hard, go to college and apply myself. I was promised a world of opportunity would be opened to me. I did just that. I went to work out of High School to help pay for books and college tuition. I started at a local Community College and eventually transferred to a University in the SUNY school system where I successfully earned a BA in History and a Master's in Education.

I still have yet to see the world of opportunity I was promised. Instead, I still find myself making below the poverty line with no possibility for jobs in the field of education. I read in the newspaper regularly about more budget cuts, teacher layoffs, school closings and district restructuring. I along with many other competent and NYS certified teachers sit on the side lines while the doors of employment stay closed to us.

Like many of my classmates, I sought work as a substitute teacher looking to get my foot in the door. What I have found is that the only door I can manage to get my foot into is the "exit". Should I be fortunate enough to stumble across a district that may have a potential opening in my field, I become one of thousands of applicants for that one opening... usually to find that the job was eliminated all together for lack of funding.

As I work my retail job day after day, contemplating the vast amount of money I paid to attend New York State schools, and become New York State certified, and all the hoops I jumped through to meet the high teaching standards of New York State, I also get to work with the products of your school system. The same school system that you are constantly making budget cuts to and from which you are eliminating staffing.

The educational budget cuts being made in this state and across the country have indeed trickled down to my job... where all day I have to take customers by the hand to help them do simple tasks in a store which they cannot seem to figure out on their own. Young people can no longer follow directions, speak or write proper English or adequately comprehend what they read.

I can't help but wonder: if so many people like myself, who worked hard for an education and to be as independent as possible (resisting public assistance) can not find work, then what will become of this new "breed" of adult that our public school systems are producing? Without the qualified staff, small classrooms, extracurricular programs and support staff in place in our schools, you are creating a new generation of adults who have been used to getting "pushed through" the system, lacking many of the basic tools it takes to survive in the world, and expect them to become contributing members of society?

You may be saving money in the short term, but I hate to think of the money you will be paying out in the very near future when these countless students walk out into the world as adults unable to stand on their own two feet. I wonder how many of them will even be able to spell, "unemployment".

Salmagundi!

2011-02-02T12:40:00.001-05:00

Few things in life make me feel happier than a new hat. Every season I think I have all the hats I possibly need... but then... I see it... another hat I simply cannot live without!!! My porkpies are after all my signature piece! I can't ever say no to one!

I wonder if there is a Betty Ford type clinic for people like me?

Maybe I am somehow related to Lucy Ricardo who could never pass up that new hat in the hat store window.

Speaking of hat stores.. I stumbled across a store in Boston last summer when I was tracking down a Panama straw diamond porkpie from Bigalli hats. The company gave me a list of their American distributors to try and find the particular hat style I was looking for.

The last store on the list was Salmagundi. They didn't have an online store (though, much to my great excitement, they appear to be creating one!), but I figured I had nothing to lose... so I sent my message off to cyber space oblivion and hoped for the best.

Literally within minutes, I got a reply from one of the shop owners, Jessen. Do you know how often I have contacted companies and stores and don't get a response for days??? This was a good omen.

Sure enough, Salmagundi had the illusive hat in stock! Jessen even did his best to find me a hat that would best compliment the shape of my head (long oval for those of you hat freaks who are "in the know" for hat termonology). Granted, these hats come in sizes S - M - L - XL, but sometimes the shape does have a tendency to differ from hat to hat.

I gladly placed the order and in record timing, found the hip little Salmagundi hat box on my front porch containing my amazing new summer hat -- which was indeed a perfect fit!

Part of me wants to open up a hat store here in Buffalo, but knowing little about business... and also knowing there would probably be little demand in this area for one, it will remain a pipe dream. But honestly, part of me wants to ditch the effort to look for the even more illusive teaching job, move to Boston, and work for Jessen and his crew!

Feel free to check out their blog that I have linked above. You'll see they have much more than just hats.. though the hats are reason enough for me to love them! If you're in Boston, stop by and see them in person -- or, if you're like me, you can wait eagerly for their online website to open. :)

Things that go for walks in the night.

2011-01-02T23:25:00.003-05:00

I will never ever join a gym. Ever. My form of exercise has always been going for walks. It helped me years ago drop from 305 pounds and a 52 waist down to 180. Now that my weight has ballooned back up, I have decided to get walking again.

I'm not a fan of walking during the day. I'm a night owl by nature and sunburn passing a window... so I generally get the urge to wander about after dark. This is ironic since I was afraid of the dark as a kid. Now, it's common for me to be strolling around my neighborhood at 10 or 11pm.

Tonight, I ventured out into the cold night air around 10... I love winter walks provided the ice isn't bad. I do so much better in the colder temps, and can walk longer. The only problem I seem to have is that my back (I have lower back problems) tenses up more in the winter temperatures.. causing me to rely on my walking stick a bit more than I do in the warmer months.

I got a few blocks from my house.. lost in thought.. minding my own business, when I see a strange black figure walking towards me on the opposite side of the street... carrying a lantern of sorts... and a walking a little dog. It scared the hell out of me.. at first, it looked like the Grim Reaper was taking Toto for a walk! Gripping my walking stick tighter.. ready to beat the be-jebus out "death" should "it" decide to cross the street.. I kept staring at this thing walking parallel to me.

As I got closer... from my side of the street mind you... I noticed it was a person (a woman from the sound of the voice talking to the dog), wearing the most bizarre long coat I have ever seen. Even the cuffs of the sleeves hung down in a flowing manner.. just like you'd expect to see on a Grim Reaper costume... it even looked like the coat had a hood! The "lantern" it looked like she was holding turned out to be an LED head-band flashlight that hikers use so they can free their hands for climbing. What an odd outfit to be wearing to walk one's dog! And here I thought wearing pajama pants and slippers to go shopping was messed up.

I live in a rather quiet and safe suburb north of Buffalo... had I been in the city proper I would not have been all that surprised...but not in my area. Here, the only thing I generally come across are people in those annoying matching velour track suits... with the matching headband of course. But death? Nope.. never expected to run into him... err... her out for a stroll.

Christmas is coming....

2010-12-19T21:50:00.000-05:00

I can't believe how quickly time is going. Today is already the fourth Sunday of Advent.. so light the third purple candle.. the final candle on the Advent wreath.

Though I've had my Christmas decorations up for a while, I have not been in the Christmas spirit. Working retail one is bombarded with negative people.. yelling and fighting over items being in stock, their orders not in on time, etc. I come home exhausted and find myself waiting for the season to be over.

This is not to say I'm anti-Christmas. On the contrary.. I am very much looking forward to the celebration of Christmas morning Mass... the ringing of the bells at the return of the Gloria being sung once again. I'm just over the whole commercial aspect of the holiday. Trees are great.. gifts are great.. but when people forget the humble origins of Christmas, the holiday becomes nothing more than an excuse to go into debt.

I have included a picture of my modest Christmas tree. I didn't have the desire or energy to drag out my usual artificial tree (real trees are too expensive for me) -- assemble it, decorate it.. and eventually pack the whole thing up. I went out in search of an easy tree.

I found the perfect "Charlie Brown" tree at a local nursery. I always loved the sparse trees that no one else could possible love. So when I saw this 5 1/2 odd ball, I had to take it home. The sales lady was a bit surprised... she had no idea what someone would do with such a tree.

Once decorated, like Charlie Brown's little tree.. it looks quite nice. I love how the ornaments really stand out.. and believe it or not, it holds ALL the ornaments I put on my fat 7ft tree. - AND, it only take two minutes to assemble and disassemble. No fuss tree!

For those who are fans of Victorian style Christmases, you will recognize this tree as a "feather tree".. the first style of artificial trees available.. originally made out of goose feathers on wooden dowels. Other people though may think of the line from the famous "Christmas Story" movie: "It looks like it was made of... green pipe cleaner!". My favorite comment came from my godson Gavin, who when seeing the picture of facebook said it looks like a twig. So there it is, my Christmas "twig".

You may note the nativity set - it belonged to my Grandparents. They purchased it their first Christmas together back in 1953, and it was under their tree ever since. I am a strict believer though that baby Jesus does not get put into the crib until Christmas morning. In a time when Christmas decorations go up in November, I think it's important to remember that the real joy of Christmas comes when we mark the birth of the Word made Flesh.

While I try to keep up with my baking and finish my shopping.. I wish you all a very Merry Christmas -- and want you to remember that despite the glitz and glamour this holiday may offer... it all started with a poor child born in a stable... laid to rest where animals feed. "Keep Christ in Christmas!" :)

Gaudete!

2010-12-12T13:06:00.001-05:00

Today is the third Sunday of Advent - also known as Gaudete Sunday. It is named after the first word of today's Intoit prayer: Gaudete in Domino semper: iterum dico, gaudete: modestia vestra nota sit omnibus hominibus: Dominus prope est. (Rejoice in the Lord always; again I say, rejoice! The Lord is near. Philippians 4:4-5).

Today is one of two days in the year where the color of the vestments used at Mass may be Rose colored. Note I said rose and not pink. The idea of using Rose vestments is to show on this Sunday the excitement we feel in our hearts at the coming of the Lord. As it says in the words of the Introit, we Rejoice in the Lord always. Rose is a color between the Advent color of purple (penance and waiting) and the Christmas color of white.. a sign that our waiting is almost at an end. We know the Lord is coming.

As the color of the candles on our Advent wreath reflect the liturgical colors of the season, we light the rose colored candle today. Some people mistakenly light the rose colored candle on the last Sunday of Advent... now you are in the know and can correct such Liturgical faux pas. :)

Like many of you, I have been busy writing out and sending Christmas cards. I enjoy this practice, except for the high cost of stamps. I look forward to sending and receiving cards and the small notes and letters that sometimes accompany them. They also make for great decorations!

I've noticed a trend though among people I have exchanged cards with in the past. I try to be very sensitive to the beliefs of my family and friends. I wish my Jewish friends a Happy Hanukkah (even though I am not Jewish), send out Religious Cards to my friends and family who are practicing Christians, and have the secular "holiday" cards for those who are not "religious", but still enjoy a secular version of the holiday season. After all, my mind set is not to use this holiday to push my beliefs down people's throats -- that would be counter productive.. but to join them in a sense of joy and celebration.

This sentiment has not been reciprocated.

Every year, people still insist on writing within cards or in Facebook messages: "Merry Xmas!". I do not celebrate "Xmas".. I celebrate Christmas. I can't stand this abbreviation. Though it may have started out as a Christian abbreviation for Christmas, using the Greek letter X to represent the first letter in Christ's name (in the old Greek spelling), it has now been used to take Christ out of Christmas, and make it purely a commercial and secular holiday.

My friends know how I feel, and yet they still can't bring themselves to wish me, a practicing Catholic, a Merry CHRISTmas. Now, when I see "Xmas" written somewhere, I have taken to putting a "P" on top of the "X"... to make the Greek symbol of Christ's name known as the "chi-rho".

Oh well... I'm still Rejoicing today.. still writing CHRISTmas cards and trying to gear up for the baking that I will soon be doing. :)

Happy Liturgical New Year!

2010-11-28T11:31:00.000-05:00

The first Sunday of Advent marks the beginning of a new year on the Church's Liturgical calendar. We light the first candle on the Advent wreath, which counts the number of Sundays until the Feast of the Nativity of Our Lord (Christmas Day).

There are debates about the origins of the Advent wreath.. some say it is a German Lutheran tradition, some argue a German Catholic tradition. Personally, it makes no difference to me. Lutherans share some Liturgical similarities with Catholics, so it would be natural for our two traditions to share this symbol of Advent.

Originally, it is said, the colors of the candles on the wreath were all red. This practice is still maintained in Germany... and even the Holy Father's Advent wreath used all red candles last year (he being from Bavaria). It was some time later that the candles of the wreath corresponded to the liturgical colors of the Sundays of Advent to bring an even closer association of the holiday symbols with the Mass.

The first candle that we lit this Sunday corresponds to the Liturgical vestments of purple, the color of penance as well as royalty to welcome the coming of the King. The purple reminds us to prepare ourselves through prayer and penance to make our souls ready not only for the celebration of the birth of Christ, but His second coming at the end of time.

Need a little Christmas NOW!

2010-11-19T12:27:00.000-05:00

Work has been getting to me lately. I've been working at the big W full time and though it helps on pay day, it takes its toll on my nerves. People are just so nasty and rude... it really wears one down.

So like the song says, "I need a little Christmas now...". So I decided I would "haul out the holly" and "put up the tree before my spirits fall again."

I do have a full size tree in the sitting room on my TINY - micro apartment within my parent's home, but I had always loved the old aluminum trees from the 1950s and 1960s. I would never want one as my only tree, but there is just something about them I always liked.

This year, while visiting a local nursery famous for their Christmas decor, I came across a 3ft aluminum style Christmas tree that I went nuts for. I have seen many silver trees over the years, but they don't have the sparse look of the original style aluminum trees (and yes, they were aluminum.. made out of aluminum foil). When I saw this little silver gem.. I had to bring it home with me. I always loved the Charlie Brown trees.

The problem was: where to put it? It ended up finding a home in my bedroom... where I spend a lot of my time lately at my desk. I decided to put it up now and decorate it since I needed a little holiday boost. It turned out rather nice if you ask me... shining in all it's silver glory.

Also, when I got home from work... tired and cranky from a long day in retail Hell... I noticed a red light coming from my sitting room window. Puzzled, I looked in the window, and there... on the shelf.. was a Santa "head" that I had liked from a recent QVC show selling retro inspired Christmas decorations. My Mom had bought it for me as a surprise, and left it on a shelf in the sitting room lit up.

Again, it's so odd looking it's cute. The large sized light bulb nose is so ridiculous it makes me laugh just looking at it. My Dad and I refer to it as the "red light district Santa" for obvious reasons.

This little surprise made my day!!!

"For I've grown a little leaner (I wish!!!), grown a little colder.. grown a little sadder.. grown a little older. And I need a little angel.. sitting on my shoulder... I need a little Christmas NOW!"

Rainbow Sash Group???

2010-10-31T19:37:00.001-04:00

There are groups of protesters advocating for greater acceptance of gays and lesbians in Christian Churches known as "The Rainbow Sash Movement". Usually, they attempt to receive Communion during a Catholic Mass while wearing a bold rainbow sash - making a political statement and protest during the Mass. (Their focus seems to be aimed primarily at Catholics, though I have seen articles where members have appeared at various other Christian denominational services)

Personally I find this very inappropriate and in poor taste.

For anyone who knows me well or has read this blog, they will tell you I am all about equal rights for gays and lesbians, and it is my constant prayer intention for full inclusion and acceptance within mainstream Christianity one day -- being accepted as children of God as He created us. That being said, if you have a statement to make, you do not do it during a Mass, Liturgy or Service. That is just rude and in poor taste. You not only distract from the focus of the service -- which is to worship GOD (not YOU), but you disrupt the prayers and meditation of the people there. That is wrong.

Groups like the Human Rights Campaign constantly complain about Churches voicing their opinions about Homosexuality publicly, and scream about the separation of Church and State. I find it very ironic then, that some members of a group like this would find it appropriate to bring the state into the Church.

It surprises me that grown people in both camps - gay activists AND Church officials can often act like such children -- fighting each other in the school yard. Neither group is very good at respecting the other despite their different beliefs. Ever heard of agree to disagree?? How about lead by example?

Church goers could try behaving like Christians and treat others with love - and political activists could respect other people's beliefs and stop trying to force their views upon others.

It breaks my heart to not be fully accepted as a gay Christian in some Churches, but it makes me equally as sad when my fellow brothers and sisters attack the Churches in such ways. When will either side learn?

Gay Christians can make more of an impact by living the Gospel, being a witness of Christ's love and acceptance, and praying for change more than they will ever make by protesting during a service or Mass. The protesters that do it just to make a point (and are not "religious") - just stay home and do your work in the civil arena where it belongs.

Soap box speech done.

It Gets Better

2010-10-21T15:46:00.001-04:00

Yesterday I joined countless people around the country in wearing purple clothing or a purple ribbon to remember those gay people who have committed suicide due to bullying. There have been numerous reports in the media of college aged students giving into the hate and discrimination - feeling there is no hope left for them in life - and seeing death as their only solice.

On Tuesday, just before we were to stand up against this type of bullying, another brother, a 19 year old student from Oakland University, succumbed to suicide.

I wanted to share a bit of my own story of struggle growing up as a gay individual in a world that often times seemed so cold and indifferent.

After growing up in a small Catholic grade school (which I loved), I found myself thrown into a sea of chaos at the local public High School. I wanted so much to continue my education in a Catholic institution, but my parents simply could not afford the high cost of tuition. So, I went to school at the local High School where my older brother was already a student. Not having grown up in the local public schools, I knew very few students, as most of my friends had transferred to local Catholic High Schools.

I didn't fit in at all, at least not right away. Being a freshman is hard enough, but I was seriously over weight, an actual practicing Catholic (which garnered a lot of criticism from the secularistic ideals of the students - and ostracised me from most of the Protestant Christian students), and was also some what shy.

I did my best to fit in, but it seemed like a futile attempt. I had few friends who knew me, had no idea of what types of clothes to wear (I missed the safety of a uniform), and also struggled internally with the fear that this attraction I had to members of the same sex.. the attraction I had assured myself was just a phase.. would not go away.

High School can be a sea of hormones, young men and women coming to terms with their sexual identities and feelings, and exploring those feelings with one another. Most kids start pairing up and dating - talking openly about their feelings with each other. I, like so many other gay and lesbian youth, kept everything bottled up inside. It was already bad enough to be labeled a "homo" or a "fag" just as a general insult, but what if they found out I really WAS gay?

Eventually, by the end of my freshman year, and certainly into my sophomore year, I began to find my own clique of friends and secure my own identity. My sense of humor and ability to make other people laugh made for a good defense and safety device. Keep them laughing and they won't hurt you was how I lived. It's still a defense mechanism, and has helped me develop into a fine tuned "smart ass" - only now I have discovered I am so good at keeping people at arms length, it is hard to let my guard down and accept them into my life.

It seems kids just know when someone else is different, even if that person doesn't admit it. I tried dating a girl, but it only lasted a week. I found it too disturbing and was very uncomfortable with the idea. It was hard for me to connect with other male students - aside from the awkward attraction I felt towards them, I had little in common with them - not being the least bit interested in sports, or girls.

Then, as now, anything bad was labeled as "gay". "That's so gay", "he's a homo", "that fag" were all expressions I heard on a daily basis. It scared the Hell out of me and caused me to bury my feelings further and further inside of me.. hoping they would eventually go away. Others minorities didn't have to suffer in silence - if a derogatory remark was made against women, blacks, the Eastern European students we had - anyone.. teachers were all over them. Gay remarks however seemed to pass mostly unnoticed or ignored. In gym class, I think they were even completely accepted by some of the coaches.

At times the suppression of my feelings, the lack of an outlet to express them, my perceived guilt for being "wrong", "dirty" or "immoral" would come to a peak. I would plunge into deep depression, not knowing where to go, who to turn to. I couldn't talk to my pastor, I couldn't tell my parents, my older brother already teased me to no end, school friends would not understand (they might even spread it around). I felt so damned alone.

I remember so clearly, kneeling next to my bed at night, praying my rosary with such intensity that the beads would leave imprints in my hands and fingers from holding them so tightly. I prayed that God would take the feeling away from me.. make me "normal".. make me "straight". This experience contributes to my loathing of the fundamentalist Christian "pray the gay away" "ministries". Believe me, if all we had to do was ask to be "changed", I asked enough for hundreds of gays and lesbians.

I gradually started to "come out" to close friends and faculty. They gave me the outlet I needed to unburden myself of the secret that had been burning inside me. Then (the late 90's) shows like Will and Grace had just started to come into existence, giving gay and lesbian people across the country a small affirmation of themselves on the screen. I caught the show once in a while.. in secret, when I knew no one would be able to see what I was watching. It might have provoked them to ask questions. If someone did walk in while I was watching Will and Grace, I quickly changed the channel.

For me, my High School years were not the happiest years of my life. I still have nightmares about being back there... even as a teacher, I have felt uncomfortable working in High School classrooms, remembering and feeling all to clearly the anxiety I felt those four years I was in school.

Life got so much better in college. It offered a more diverse group of students and faculty where young adults felt more comfortable to openly express who they were. I met some great friends and began to embrace who I was as a gift, not a curse... and delved into my major (History) where I was able to learn about societal attitudes towards gays and lesbians over the centuries. The sense of isolation began to melt away as I met new people and learned new ideas beyond the standard history, sociology and psychology of the High School classroom.

My faith and sexual orientation took a bit longer to reconcile, and I have written about it here in my blogs in earlier entries. One night, I felt so bogged down by all the scripture verses that were being thrown at me, and again I began to pray. I asked God to speak to me, and make His message clear. Was I being sinful for following through with the strong feelings I had had my whole life? I turned on the tv and began flipping through the channels. I stumbled across a movie called Door to Door about a salesman in the 50's who builds a successful career despite his physical handicap. In one scene, the salesman's young, fundamentalist female assistant finally realizes that two men on the sales route aren't just old roommates, but partners. When she realizes this, she shakes her head in disgust, saying how wrong it was, and against the Bible. The salesman said something to her that I will never forget. "God doesn't make mistakes... He knows what He is doing." There it was.. my answer.

In my 10 years since High School, I have grown so much stronger, mentally and spiritually. I'm no longer afraid to be myself, and have long given up changing pronouns or omitting things that "others" might find offensive. I speak about my feelings and experiences just as any heterosexual person would. I find great spiritual nourishment in the Holy Sacrifice of the Mass, just as I always have.. though now I am an advocate of our richer and more traditional style liturgy, choosing to focus on the prayer life of the Church (after all, there is nothing anti-gay in the Mass) rather than the politics of the Church. God is the judge of all, not any one person - religious official or otherwise.

I earned my bachelor's degree in History, doing a lot of private studying on gay and lesbian topics, which I continue to read about independently. I recently earned my Masters degree in Social Studies Education, and do my best as a substitute teacher to correct students when they comment "that's so gay", and take a moment to share with them how wrong it is to put down a whole group of people so blindly. I try to share my views and opinions with fellow educators who teach full time to help them be aware of gay bullying in their classrooms, and have been encouraged to see the number of faculty and staff who take the time to let their students know that such comments are not acceptable.

It's not an easy path, but it does get easier. There's nothing wrong with you.. nothing that needs to be "fixed". You're beautiful just the way you are. We are all made in the image and likeness of God.. and He does not make mistakes.

Know that you are loved - gay or straight - you are loved.

Memorias Defunctorum

2010-10-06T16:57:00.000-04:00

"Memorias Defunctorum" - Remember the Dead.

The month of October brings with it all sorts of creepy symbolism that to our 21st century mind is nothing more than indulging in our love of horror films. In actuality, the symbolism of tombstones, skeletons and ghosts goes back to the practice of remembering our deceased brothers and sisters... and a reminder to ourselves that we too will die.

To read an earlier post I made giving a brief history of Halloween, click here.

Putting up the Halloween decorations, I kept thinking of my maternal Grandmother, who used to take my older brother and I to the local Hills department store every October for their annual "pumpkin hunt". They would scatter piles of hay, and hide little plastic pumpkins within the hay... containing candy... and even a few with certificates for store merchandise. It was like the Halloween version of an egg hunt. My brother and I loved this annual tradition, and it still makes me smile thinking of going there with Grams -- then off to McDonald's for lunch -- a Happy Meal served in a plastic Halloween bucket. Anyone remember those?

Thinking so much of Grams, I lit a candle in her honor and for the repose of her soul. Doing this made me think of another tradition from my youth, this one coming from my first grade teacher, Sister M. Dorothy F.S.S.J.

In my former parish of St. Joe's (now closed), the founding pastor of the parish was given the honor of being buried in front of the Church he helped to build. Every so often, Sister would take us on "field trips" to the grave site to pray for Father.

In such a sterile world where we don't "like" to think of death, it seems like an odd custom. Sister Dorothy was from a different school of thought however, one that encouraged the living to remember those who had gone before us.. to pray for "the souls of the faithful departed".

I decided to light another candle. This one for the souls who had no one left on Earth to remember them. This is another aspect of the Catholic faith that has been increasingly swept under the carpet. It's a beautiful sentiment, to take time to remember those who perhaps have no one left to carry on their memories. Remember praying for the poor souls in Purgatory?? Yea.. that's becoming "obsolete" too.

Ironic.. so many "religion" classes teach nothing more about our faith than "community"... yet we have forgotten to include those community members who have gone before us.

While I have certainly hopped on my religion soap box, again lamenting the laziness and secularist tendencies of modern day Catholics.. I assure you there is a reason for my rant.

Regardless of your own spiritual belief system, there are people out there who volunteer to "adopt a gave" at their local cemeteries. I think this is an awesome practice of human compassion and historical preservation.

Every time I go to a cemetery I find a grave stone that is being overwhelmed by vegetation and un-cared for. Perhaps that person was the last of their family, perhaps no one else lives in the area, or perhaps the grave is so old, there is no one left to remember that person. Pick a grave or two and help take care of it if you have noticed no one else is doing so. Give respect once again to the name of the person on the marker.

One day it will be our turn - who will remember us?

Katharine Hepburn

2010-09-09T14:07:00.000-04:00

Recently I have been re-reading a biography of actress Katharine Hepburn entitled, Kate Remembered. It is a personal reflection on the star's life by a writer who became her close friend in the later years of her life -- and though considered a biography, it's written in the form of an informal story or narrative about the time he spent with this great actress.

For me, it's rare to read a book more than once, but it's been a few years since I've read this work, and I enjoyed it so much the first time around. Reading it is almost like spending time with Katharine Hepburn herself. Something I wish I had had the chance to do.. along with so many of her fans across the globe I'm sure.

I haven't seen all of Miss. Hepburn's films, only those genres that interested me: historical or romantic comedy. Desk Set, one of her less popular films is bar far my favorite. The friendly office atmosphere and quick whit of the co-workers was always the type of setting I wanted to work within professionally... and I just fell in love with character of Bunny Watson - head of the reference department.

And who could forget such films as Woman of the Year, Adam's Rib, Bringing up Baby, The Philadelphia Story, Guess Who's Coming to Dinner, The Lion in Winter and On Golden Pond? Perhaps I have seen quite a few of her movies.. but there are plenty more out there.

What I have always loved about Miss. Hepburn was her down to Earth, no non-sense attitude towards life. Though she and I would certainly have disagreed on topics of politics, I admired her independence and her forcefulness to live life as she wanted without letting people tell her she "can't" do something. When told she "couldn't" do this or that because she was a woman.. her reply was usually: "watch me."

When I watch Katharine Hepburn on the screen or listen to the few interviews she did later in her life, I am often reminded of my paternal Grandmother. Like the biographer and Miss. Hepburn, I did not get to really know my Grandmother until the later years of her life.. in this case, the last three years of them. This time of course I remember fondly and treasure every moment with her.

My Grandmother was fiercely independent.. not one to let other tell her what to do and what to say. She spoke her mind (at least in the time I knew her) and lived life the way she saw fit. I always said there was a "star quality" about my Grandma... not that she was perhaps movie star material.. but she had the quality to be more. Sadly, she lived in a time when most women were pressured to settle down and raise a family, and as loving as she was, I don't think she was quite the "family woman" in the sense that society dictated at the time.

Grandma forged ahead with a professional career as a well respected nurse, while still being wife, mother and grandmother. She took care of herself and those she loved.. and managed to do much of it.... at least later in life.. on her own terms.

Katharine Hepburn - and even my Grandmother - came from a generation when people still had ideals, dreams and ambitions.. and were not afraid to WORK for them. My generation seems content to sit here and expect things to be handed to us (note I do use the term "US" putting myself into this category). Now more than ever we need examples of people like Miss. Hepburn who weren't afraid to live life and work for success. -- Though, as a quote of Miss. Hepburn's that I often remember... again, very meaningful to my generation who wants it all NOW: "You can't have everything. Any idiot knows that."

Talk Talk Talk!

2010-08-27T16:11:00.000-04:00

*Random topic* :)

I am no sociologist by an definition of the term.. just a casual people watcher. It's fun to watch people interact - family, friends, strangers.. couples, individuals... all offer a glimpse into the sea of humanity.

I've been spending time with a diverse group of friends lately, as well as my usual encounters with friends at work. It's so neat to see the varied dynamics that exist between these various social networks of mine. Take my friend Collin for example. He and I can gab on the phone for what sometimes turns into an hour.. when perhaps neither one of us has any particular story in mind to discuss when making the call. For some, the conversation just flows... my maternal grandmother and I were like this as well. The phone call would start with "how are you?"... and we'd end up chatting about nothing and everything.

With others, the conversations can be deep discussions about concerns, dreams and life stories... where moments of quiet are not awkward silences, but a time for reflection and processing. Sometimes the physical presence of the other person is all that is needed for communication.

The next time you're out in a crowd of people, or simply hanging out with your bff... take note of the communication occurring around you. You might be amazed at how each individual, each situation, each group has their own subtle form of communication.

I Did it!!!!

2010-08-12T16:42:00.000-04:00

I got an e-mail yesterday from my graduate adviser that my masters portfolio project passed... which means my degree program is complete. I have graduated from UB's Graduate School of Education!!!

It's odd not having a ceremony to attend... or wear the cap and gown. The ceremonies can be tediously long, but they give a sense of completion - of finalization to the long journey a person has traveled. I opted not to attend the commencement this past May since I still had the big project to do.. and it wouldn't have felt right to go through the pomp and circumstance only to go home after and do homework. Still... my diploma should be sent out in September.

I'm still getting used to the idea of not having homework to do. This is the first summer in a long time that I haven't been taking classes, and at UB, classes resume for the fall semester in late August. I'm trying to break back into the habit of reading for fun --- something that has not been possible for quite some time thanks to being overwhelmed with course readings and assignments. Every time I pick up my book, I get the feeling that I should be doing something that's due for class some time soon. Old habits are hard to break, but I will delight in breaking this one.

I have met some wonderful professors and instructors over my academic career. Some of them have been wonderful mentors, friends and reminders of why I love teaching. Without their patience, understanding and sensitivity, this road would have been a much harder one to travel.

I have to say... here in print.. where everyone can see... that I could not have come this far without the love and support of my family and close friends. There were many many times when I felt overwhelmed by the work I was doing. The light at the end of the tunnel seemed so far off for such a long time. My family -- most especially my parents -- always had faith in me, and my good friends -- especially my Walmart co-workers and UB classmates -- were always there to cheer me on and boost my self esteem when it was so badly deflated. I owe so many of you a debt of gratitude for your love and support.

The job market for teachers remains turbulent and it seems less and less likely that I will find a position before the start of this school year. So... I am exploring other options for employment that might not include teaching. As much as I love the career I worked so hard for, I can't magically make jobs appear, and it's time to be supporting myself and moving forward. There are no plans to go "back" to college for a new degree... I have enough debt from the bachelors and masters to last me quite a while... but perhaps my degrees will open up doors that I had not considered before. Only God knows.

When I first enrolled in UB back in 2003, I sat on my patio late at night feeling so overwhelmed. I never thought I'd get through that first semester, yet alone complete two degrees. Everything seemed to be changing so fast, the work too hard, the campus too big. I had no idea what I had gotten myself into. But here I am... looking back.. and I can finally say: I did it!

SimpleThings....

2010-08-07T23:28:00.001-04:00

My Dad's Mom used to remind me in her dry/sarcastic way that "small things amuse small minds". I'm going to have to disagree with that old cliche... some times it's the small things, or the simple things in life that can be pretty cool.

Some things that make me excited are admittedly odd. I tend to see things in a different light than others. One such thing is my obsession with using vintage technology (prior to the 1970's) in the everyday life of the twenty first century. Combine this with my love of classic rotary phones and you have a nerd fest in progress.

Sharing a home with my parents, I also share the usage of our "landline". Growing up, I would have never guessed that having a "house phone" would be considered optional -- but the wave of mobile phones has made the traditional land line telephones one option among many. Personally, I do prefer the quality of calls made by land lines over cell phones... and appreciate the reliability and 911 tracking service that you can not get from digital and/or mobile phone service. I'm also not a huge fan of using my cell phone for making long phone calls... especially when "out and about". Seriously, do I need to be gabbing with someone while I'm grocery shopping at Wegmans?? If I hear one more person in the bathroom stall talking on their phone I may scream. Leave me a voice mail.. I'll get back to you.

Cell phones are for Internet (when a computer is not available), texting, and quick phone calls when not at home. Otherwise.. as my friends know.. I'm calling you from home.

Back to the telephone itself. I am obsessed with vintage phones.. probably because I have always loved the story of how my grandparents first met.. and I also love the classic look, feel (many older phones are HEAVY) and sound of a classic phone... the zip of the dial and the sound of a real brass bell ringer that puts a cell ringtone to shame. These workhorses of Ma Bell were built to do one job well.. and to do it for a life time. I like to keep the tradition going.

Well.. some techno geek out there has helped to make it possible for young-fogeys like myself to keep our retro lifestyles alive. Someone created a device that allows you to link any house phone to your cell phone via bluetooth! When I read about it in an online forum I subscribe to, I hopped in the car, drove to Radioshak and bought this little gem.

For my birthday, my Mom bought me a Western Electric 500 telephone in mint green.... green has always been my favorite color. It's been the phone next to my bed for a little over a month now, and I've loved using it. While I make most my calls on it (my other living room phone being from the 1940s), my friends won't call me on the house phone.. since they never know who will answer. It's easier for them to call me on the cell.. the little square that I detest holding up to me ear. Now.. I have the best of both world. (and yes.. I stole the picture below from the Internet)

You pick up this 40+ year old phone and you will hear a dial tone.. and yes... the rotary dial will dial out (though you need the cell phone's key pad for * and #). Best of all, when someone calls my cell, and it is linked to the rotary phone.. that great brass ringer goes off instead of hearing the pre-recorded "vintage telephone" ringtone I downloaded years ago.

See.. only I would be excited about this!

So yes, I found another way to preserve a piece of the past while making it relevant to the present. I was worried about how well the quality would be since the device is a bluetooth after all (which are known for being sketchy)... but the sound quality is EXCELLENT.

Who's giddy with geekish excitement? That would be me.

Tempus Fugit!

2010-08-05T21:29:00.000-04:00

Time does indeed fly. I can't believe it's August already!! Soon, my favorite season of the year will be here... FALL!! Crisp air, hay rides, apple cider, pumpkins, Halloween.... all right around the corner.

For those that haven't yet heard, I did indeed interview for a year long term teaching position at the middle school I have been subbing at over the past school year. I thought the interview went very well.. I was comfortable, my answers were all well thought out. I did not make it to a second interview however. It was none-the-less a learning experience.. I can now be a little more comfortable and prepared for any other future interviews -- but I am disappointed. This position was the only real hope I had at getting a job away from retail in the near future.. my only real hope of moving forward with my life... and in a school environment I loved and had made friends in. I just keep telling myself it was not my time. Patience was always a virtue I lacked!

I've been picking up more hours at the retail hell I've been employed at for the past 9 1/2 years. Slowly, I've been paying money towards bills that I have accumulated... looking forward to operating in the black for a change, and starting to pay off my massive amounts of student loans. The idea of having a savings account again is a nice thought.

Since the likely hood of finding a full time teaching position for the fall is slim, I debated doing the retail gig full time. Even working over 30 hours a week (not that I would be guaranteed that many hours), I'd still be making under $20,000 a year. That wouldn't help me much in my goal to get an apartment of my own. Sigh....

Anyway... I just figured it was time for me to update this blog and let people in cyberspace know I am still alive. I'm still puttering around, searching for a new career, eagerly awaiting the results of my masters portfolio project so I can say I am done with grad school. Though I have been frustrated with the current job situation, my heart is gladdened by the many family and friends in my life who let me know daily that I am loved. Sometimes we need to look at what we do have, instead of what we don't have. A lesson I am trying hard to learn.

Another year older...

2010-07-08T06:46:00.002-04:00

That's right.. yesterday my biological odometer turned over yet another number. I'm now 28. Lord have mercy I'm getting old!

I had a wonderful day with family and friends. I woke up to what seemed like a million greetings on facebook wishing me a "Happy Birthday". I think Facebook is helping to put greeting card companies out of business... since we can now share greetings instantly over the web.

I LOVE getting the facebook and text message greetings. Just like on Christmas morning... the whole ride home from Mass my phone will be chiming with text messages of warm wishes. It's a cool feeling to get so many at once, and realize just how many people are in your life.. and care. :)

My good friend Bob takes me out to lunch or dinner every year. This year I decided I wanted a WNY staple, beef on weck. To me, there was only one place to go for that.. Schwabl's in West Seneca. Yes, it's a bit of a drive for me, but it's worth it. The food was amazing and we had a good time.

After lunch, the two of us drove to Allen Town to stop at Q for a drink... or two.. or three. We met two of our friends there and laughed over some wine... and whatever "summery" concoction Bob was drinking.

Pizza and wings were then dished out at my brother and sister in law's home... along with a birthday cake and homemade coconut cream pie!! DROOOOOOOOL!!! I LOVE coconut cream pie. My sister-in-law's mother... who is so kind to me... baked it. She is an amazing baker!! It always seems as if I'm doing the baking for other people, so it was nice to have someone make something just for me.

I even got my own personal mini-birthday cake, baked by my friend Susan's 12 year old daughter, Olivia. From what I understand, it was her first venture into the world of baking. It was so cute.. and delicious! She can also bake for me any time she wants. Heck, I can have a whole baking staff now!

Now that I think about it... I don't want to know how many calories I consumed yesterday. Haha!

I've always heard you shouldn't tell people what you wish for when you blow out your birthday candles, but I'll tell you as long as you promise to keep it a secret. I wished for a new JOB. One thing that is glaring in my mind when I reflect upon the last 10 years of my life is the lack of momentum my professional career has had. I truly want to move forward with my life, have a stable income and get a place of my own (here in WNY if possible). If I could have one wish.. that would be it.... and world peace and a boyfriend if the genie isn't too busy.

What's in a number?

2010-07-02T18:19:00.001-04:00

Before telephones became the norm in all households, and prior to the need for area codes, phone numbers used exchanges so the operator knew where to connect the call. For example, our phone number starts with 695. Up the the 60's, our extension may have been OXford 5 --- the OX corresponding to 69 and the term OXford telling the operator where to connect the call (should you need the operator's assistance).

Why this entry about telephone numbers? It's because of a telephone number that my Grandparents met... and fast forward decades later... I came into existence.

My mother's parents both lived in small towns in Pennsylvania around the Wilkes Barre area. Most families worked in the coal mines which didn't give much money for luxuries.. such as having a telephone line. My Grandmother's family was one of the few in her neighborhood to have a telephone since it was needed to conduct business in her parent's "Mom and Pop" store which they operated in the front of their home.

My grandmother remembered her neighbors giving out the store's telephone number (my grandmother's home phone number) to friends. The call would come to my grandma's house.. and she would have to hunt down the party for whom the call was intended so they could come use the phone. She always hated that.

Anyway.....

One day, Grams and her friend Dorothy were out and about and a man started hitting on Dorothy. My Grandmother could tell Dorothy wasn't interested... but couldn't resist antagonizing this poor fellow further. The man asked Dorothy if she had a phone so he could give her a call some time... before Dorothy could tell the guy off, Grams yelled out: "VAlley 2-2047!". She told Dorothy she'd be happy to bring her to the phone should the guy call her. Dorothy was not amused... Grams was hysterical with laughter.

The romance between Dorothy and this fellow never materialized, but this man thought Grandma was so kind to help him out that he told his buddy Vince about her. Soon, Grandma got a call from this Vince asking her out on a date.

Yes.. it was my Grandfather. A star football player for his High School, good looking, though rather shy and reserved.. he took my Grandmother out on a blind date. She used to tell me she never understood what he would see in her... he was so handsome and could have any girl he wanted.

After the date though, Grams didn't hear from him again... not for an entire year. Talk about playing hard to get! On New Year's Eve Gramps was sitting around and said to himself "I wonder what Helen is up to" and gave her a call.

Not one to sit around waiting for the phone to ring... Grams was out having a good time with her friends. My grandfather called and woke up my Great-grandmother who spoke little to no English. He would have to try again.

As you may have guessed he got a hold of her, they started dating regularly... and the rest was history. All thanks to a simple telephone number.. and my grandma being a smart ass. Because of this story I have a great affinity for that number VA2-2047. Without it, my grandparents might not have met.. and I might never have been born.

In light of the story though, perhaps I should give the guys a meet a year to call me back before giving up on them??? Nah... I'll find a football player of my own.

My Bucket List

2010-07-01T15:34:00.000-04:00

It's exactly what the title implies... like the movie... it's a list of things I'd like to do before I "kick the bucket".

1. Spend more time in the Manhattan area: Brooklyn, Liberty Island, Coney Island (what's left of it), Greenwich Village.. etc.

2. Visit Chicago and make a pilgrimage to Optimo Hatters (and if finances permit at the time.. buy a hat)

3. See the ocean in person

4. Take a trip on a train

5. Visit the Vatican

6. Attend a Papal Mass

7. Learn to drive stick shift

8. Drive a classic car (pre-1957) -- hence wanting to learn to drive a stick shift

9. Own my own home

10. Get "married" (for lack of better term)

11. Visit Ireland

12. Visit Germany

13. Go to Hollywood

14. Learn to sew

15. Take a trans-Atlantic cruise

For now... I think that's a good list. Enough to keep me busy for a while at least.

Getting into shape

2010-06-15T11:48:00.004-04:00

I've been attempting to workout more in hopes of slimming down a bit... I'm still trying to lose my "winter weight" from two years ago!! HAHA!

I am in love with the elliptical machine we have. It burns so many more calories than using the treadmill or just going for a walk. I try to rock out for about a half hour on the elliptical, and doing a few reps of push-ups (30 per rep) throughout the day to help out my arms. Plus, this cooler night weather has made for some nice mile long walks.. just for the hell of it.

A few of my friends have encouraged me to join a gym. That would never happen. I could use UB's gym for free since I am still a student... but why bother? I have the equipment here at the house, so why travel? Besides, if I actually had to drive somewhere to get a workout in, it just wouldn't happen. I'm much too lazy to actually drive somewhere to workout.. and who needs all those people starring at me? I've got too much jiggling going on... I don't want to be responsible for making people sick.

I keep reminding myself, I lost 125 pounds a few years ago by just eating better and walking a lot. I went from 305 pounds and a 52 waist down to 180 pounds and a 32 waist in about 2 years.. just from diet and exercise. I've gained about 40 pounds back, but I'm aiming to lose 20... that's the goal.. that's the dream. I looked sickly at 180 (or so people kept telling me)... I looked better at 200. Right now? -- I look fluffy.

My problem seems to be I don't have the energy or motivation I had back in 2004. I think part of the motivation back then was me trying to impress a guy I was head over heels for. He only liked uber-skinny guys... and yes, I proudly used the word "uber". I beat the shit out of myself to try and impress him. What a waste of time. lol -- Good life lesson learned, bad experience. Live - learn - move on.

I always have the episode from The Golden Girls in the back of my head when I go to workout.. the one where the girls join a gym to lose some extra pounds. This quote is priceless: "I just want to lose enough to fit into my summer wardrobe" - "My winter wardrobe" - "My bathrobe." The exercise instructor thinks she can make a quick buck by selling the girls all their exercise apparel... jogging suits, head bands, wrist bands... leg warmer... When Dorothy questions the need for leg warmers, the instructor asks what they are currently using to keep their thighs warm. Dorothy's response: "FRICTION, that's why we're here!" So classic.

Anyway, I guess I have procrastinated long enough... time to get my ass in gear and burn some calories. -- Then reward myself with a huge bowl of ice cream. heeheee.. just kidding... maybe.

Happy Flag Day!

2010-06-14T21:47:00.004-04:00

I didn't even realize it was Flag Day until I got to work this evening and looked at the calendar. A few years back, I used to wear a stars and stripes top hat to work to celebrate the day... since I was usually out of town for the 4th of July. I tried my best to be patriotic. My growing annoyance with customers however has since dampened my celebratory spirit.

I remember Flag Day fondly from my grade school days.. especially while I was still at St. Joe's (grades K-5). Flag Day was always acknowledged. At the end of the day the school would assemble out front around the flag pole, and the statue of St. Joseph. We'd say a prayer for the country, recite the pledge, and sing some patriotic song... probably "America the Beautiful". Remember singing that after reciting the pledge each morning before classes? Maybe it was just us... or maybe it's an Elementary school thing?

I had a lot of school spirit when I was in grade school.. especially in my former parish of St. Joe's. I loved being out there with the whole school around the flag pole.. my heart swelling with pride for my school and my country. Flag Day was also exciting because you knew there were only a handful of days left before summer vacation... so maybe it wasn't all school spirit and patriotic pride after all. Maybe I just wanted to go on summer vacation. :)

Anyway.. Happy Flag Day!

Pride Month!

2010-06-09T12:56:00.005-04:00

President Obama has proclaimed the month of June (2010) to be LGBT Pride month. This is a pretty significant gesture.. at least in my book. It shows that the president does indeed respect the LGBT population, and stands with us in our efforts to gain equal rights.

I think the significance of a having a black president making the proclamation is even more striking. Only 5 decades ago, African Americans were still segregated in some areas of the United States, as well as being denied many rights under the law. It wasn't until the mid 1960's when then president, Lyndon B. Johnson, signed the Civil Rights Law into effect that the flood gates of legal acceptance could be opened. As we all know however, social acceptance and tolerance takes a little more time.

President Obama, in this act, is at least acknowledging the struggle of so many LGBT persons who are still denied some of the most basic of civil rights, as well as under go ridicule and persecution for being born different.

I attended Buffalo's annual Gay Pride parade down Elmwood Avenue, ending at Bidwell Park. The parade itself is rather lame... My friends and I kept joking that we don't really use "floats" like in most parades... we decorate vans and trucks and drive them down the street. But still.. it's pretty cool to see such a large turn out of people, both walking in the parade and watching from the side lines.

The week leading up to Sunday was very sunny and hot... Sunday morning we got rain and colder temps. Just our luck. We felt like we were back in October.. which would be nice... if it were Fall, not summer. Thankfully, the rain stopped before the parade and held out the rest of the day. I of course ended up carrying around my stupid umbrella just in case the rain returned (it stayed pretty cloudy most of the day)... since yours truly has an aversion to getting soaked... and of course, my straw hats do not fare well when wet. I guess I'm a high maintenance homo after all?

Despite the weather.. there was a great turn out. I met up with my good friend Collin and a visitor from Rochester whom Colllin had met the night before. Rochester Ron and I hit it off quickly... both being substitute teachers and Social Studies certified. Our odd sense of humor helped too. :) You can see the three of us in the picture.

I got to meet up with a lot of old friends and make new friends throughout the day. In the past, I have always left the park around 3pm (the parade started at 1pm)... after making my rounds and saying "hello". This year, Collin's neighbor (who lives within walking distance of the festivities) had an open house with food and drinks. We wandered over there for some good eats, and more new people to meet.

Thinking I was headed home after our late lunch... we were persuaded to make our ways to one of the local bars for a drink or two. Now THAT was fun.... For those who enjoy people watching.. head to a gay bar sometime and find a good seat. You never know who or what you will see.

Fast forward to the end of the night and getting home at 10pm. We were all exhausted by the time we left.. but in a good way. To me, that is what the pride celebrations are all about. Throughout the year, many of us may feel alone and isolated... wandering around the world labeled as "other". But during celebrations like this, we are able to get together, stand up and be counted. There are men and women present from all backgrounds, age groups, nationalities and occupations. While God, in His infinite wisdom, may have made us different from the status quo.. we remind ourselves that life is not always black and white ONLY.. but rather a mixture of all the colors of the rainbow. :)

Tweet!

2010-06-06T11:03:00.004-04:00

I've always considered myself an animal lover... but when it comes to pets, I'm definitely a dog person. I had a golden retriever named Toby, for 13 years... whom I just adored... He was the PERFECT dog, and I miss him dearly. Cats however... creep me out. I'm NOT a cat person.

I also have a great love for birds... having adopted the owl as my personal symbol. For the past 9 years, I have taken care of our pet parakeet, Tiki. She started off as my younger sister's pet, but when the novelty of having a bird wore off, I had to step up to the plate to care for this living creature that now depended on us for her well being. We've bonded.. and I just love her.

Even though I am the primary care taker of Tiki, she still resides in my sister's bedroom. I would love to keep her in my bedroom or living room, but there really isn't much space for her, the lighting is poor (birds will get depressed without good sunlight), and it gets very cold here in the winter. Occasionally though, I'll bring Tiki down in her cage and sit her on the ledge in front of my living room window. I'd done this a few times... but yesterday turned out to be rather different than other times.

It had been a nice day weather wise, so we had the windows opened. I brought Tiki downstairs, and set her cage on the ledge in front of my living room window.. letting her look out at the other birds. As long as there isn’t a strong breeze, I don’t mind her being there for a little while since there is a screen to protect her from bugs (we get a lot of wasps because of the roses outside my window).

So.. I went into my bedroom to tinker on the computer. After a while, I hear an awkward sound like a baby whining. I ignored it for a little bit.. but it kept up.. and it sounded close… like the baby/child was hurt. I went into the living room to look out the window… and there… sitting on the outside ledge of the window is a big orange CAT. It was making these odd sounds to Tiki.. who was just sitting there in her cage looking at this thing like it was on crack. I gasped at the sight of this cat inches away from Tiki…. The cat heard me.. and took off. Good thing too… I would have beat it for messing with my bird.

Needles to say, I will not be leaving Tiki’s cage in front of that window un-attended any longer… and I will keep a super-soaker handy in case Mr. Alley Cat comes back.

This incident did not help the cat cause in my opinion.. in fact.. I dislike them even more than I did before. -- And now that she has seen one, I think Tiki dislikes them too!

In Memoriam

2010-06-03T15:49:00.005-04:00

Today, we lost yet another of our Golden Girls, Rue McClanahan. McClanahan played the feisty, southern, man-crazed harlot on the hit 80's tv series, Golden Girls.

I grew up absolutely loving this show, and have watched it continuously throughout the years. It's hard to believe that these women.. who were so much apart of our lives through television... are now gone... with the exception of the endearing Betty White.

There was an episode where the "girls" make a pact to stay together throughout their old age so no one has to live a life of isolation and loneliness... as so often happens to the elderly who are forgotten. There is a line, ironically said by Rose (played by Betty White), "What happens when there is only one of us left?" Thankfully.. Betty seems to be doing rather well for herself -- and as she pushes 90, she is tackling yet another sitcom to be shown on TVLand. She may be old, but she is far from forgotten.

It didn't take long for a reunion in Heaven between this trio of stars: Estelle Getty, Bea Arthur and now Rue McClanahan... who all died within the past two years. I can only imagine they are up there on Heaven's lanai... talking about Blanche's latest love affair.

Well Rue, "thank you for being a friend". Rest in Peace!

Memorial Day Weekend

2010-05-30T22:35:00.005-04:00

My good friend Collin invited me to a cookout at the home of two of his good friends. I was a little uneasy with the idea of going to the home of perfect strangers, not knowing anyone... but Collin didn't exactly give me a choice. haha! Later I found out one of my co-workers and his fiance were also to be in attendance, so I did as I was told and showed up with my wine and my appetite.

I had a really great time at the cookout, and met some great people. Collin and I were the last to leave the party, which meant we got to spend some quality time with our host and hostess. What nice people!! The weather was great, the food was fantastic and Collin's friends were amazing.

Today a few of us met up at a local sports bar/restaurant to bid farewell to one of our own, Venus. Her last day with us will be Tuesday, and then she and her family are moving to Rochester. I enjoyed working with her so much... she has a wonderful sense of humor and has a great work ethic. People like that are VERY hard to find.. especially for where I work!

Our store is grossly understaffed, especially in my department.. and with all the changes in management going on now, it is very unlikely we will be getting any new associates to fill the gap. So, not only will I be losing an excellent friend and co-worker but it means I (we) will have even more staffing shortages to deal with. Whoop-dee-do.

Staffing woe's aside... the 5 of us had a great time together over drinks and food. As you can see from the picture, my friend Adam and I got into a small knife fight over the left overs... but thankfully, no one was hurt. :)

Wedding Date

2010-05-23T11:01:00.003-04:00

My friend and co-worker, Sarah, is getting married June 18th. A few friends from work and I will be attending, each bringing a spouse or a date. I was determined to find a "plus one" to bring with me instead of going stag, or bringing a girl with me like I always have for these occasions (last wedding I went with my sister). I've been to two proms, numerous weddings and parties, and have yet to be able to slow dance with.. well... a boyfriend. Most people have done that by the time the graduate High School... I get my Masters degree in September.. go figure. I wasn't going to let this chance pass me by.

I refused to play the heterosexual couple.. even if it was just for companionship. I'm so tired of doing that for events. I guess that's always been my way of promoting equal right.. simply living, speaking and acting just as anyone else does. A few of my gay friends offered to go with me, but that could be touchy... I didn't want any confusion over what the evening would be.. I didn't want to end the night thinking it was just a wedding dinner, and them thinking it was a first date. Naw.. too tricky... I wasn't going there.

I'm actually not a fan of attending weddings. Don't get me wrong, I am certainly not anti-wedding... they just depress me a little. "We" still don't have the legal right to marry in New York state and a gay wedding would never be blessed in the faith I believe and participate in. So naturally, weddings stir up a lot of emotions for me.

I've always figured that if I wanted to meet someone, I had to make the effort. The saying "you'll get someone when you're not looking" has never made sense to me. He's not going to ring my door bell and ask me out.. I have to mingle, meet people, start conversations.. you know... like everyone else does. I've done the online thing... and it's the same people every day... I've gone to the bars, but always unsuccessful. It's pretty damn frustrating. I think we should go back to caveman days -- if you saw someone you liked, you hit them over the head and took them home. Where's my baseball bat??

I thought perhaps I have overly high standards. I like a guy who is secure in himself and his identity, has goals and can carry a conversation. Physically, I not looking for perfection.. just the guy next door.... the geeky cute, pasty white guy, who is a little on the larger side.. like myself. Oddly enough, these guys are hard to find.. and even harder to land a date with. I've tried hanging out with the quiet ones, the fixer-uppers and the ones that are cute if I squint hard enough... but I learned when buying my first car never to settle... you'll be miserable if you do... so I've taken that advice to heart when looking for a relationship.

With the wedding fast approaching, and my response card due back.. I have decided to indicate that I will be going alone. I'll still have a good time with my friends, but at the end of the day, it's just another event where there was no one there just for me.

This & That

2010-05-22T22:08:00.004-04:00

Yesterday my good friend Collin and I decided to get together and have a mini Golden Girls marathon at his apartment. Collin and I became good friends via the Internet, and some how formed a bond over "the girls" as we call them. He purchased the first two seasons of the The Golden Girls on DVD, and we picked some of our favorite episodes to watch... I brought the cheesecake.

It was fun just kicking back, quoting lines from the show, and having side conversations. We noticed little bloopers in the shows that we had never noticed before watching them on tv. Only nerds like us would notice such things.. only nerds like us we even get together for a night of this.. but we are who we are, and we are ok with that. :)

When I came home around 10:45 that night, there was a car in the middle of my street. The running lights were on, but the car was motionless. I thought perhaps the driver was talking to someone standing on the sidewalk whom I couldn't see. As my car approached, this vehicle stayed put. I had to maneuver around it to try and get by without scraping the curb.. since it was diagonal across the road. In passing, I could see no one in the car.

When I got in the house I told my father about the empty car with the lights on. He decided to walk down and have a look. He has more guts that I do... I watch from a distance. 15 minutes later he called the house to say someone was passed out in the car, and he had called the police. I then decided to go and join him so he didn't have to wait for the police alone.. on the sidewalk.. at night.. with a passed out driver.. in a car.. in the middle of the street.

We kept out distance from the car.. preferring to let the police take over. In addition to the driver, there was a little dog in the car. My Dad said the driver must have just passed out... but I pointed out it had to have been a somewhat conscious decision since the car was in park, and the seat was reclined.

The cops finally showed up and woke the driver. We were expecting to see a teenager pop his/her head up, instead it was a late 50's woman... whom I nicknamed "Aunt Fran". She looked like she just came back from Bingo and had a few too many Bud Lights. The officer asked her if she had been drinking, to which she responded, "Are you blind?!?"

She insisted she hadn't had too much to drink, and was not aware she was parked in the middle of the street, blocking traffic. She insisted she had pulled over to the curb, despite the fact that she and the police officer were standing next to her car... in the middle of the road.

I admit, we did stand there on the side walk watching most of this... like typical nosey neighbors. I was more interested in the young policemen (who doesn't love a man in uniform??), while my Dad was too busy getting a laugh out of "Aunt Fran". Finally I decided it was time to go when the real questioning of "Aunt Fran" began. Even if she was a drunk, she deserved her privacy... this wasn't an episode of "COPS" after all.

Since know one was hurt, I can say this was all hilarious to witness... but there certainly was potential for disaster. I guess it just goes to show that you never know what will happen in your neck of the woods.. even in the "quiet" suburbs.

The Approach of a New Season

2010-05-15T20:59:00.002-04:00

One of the many things I love about living in Buffalo is that we get to experience the different types of seasons. Though our spring and fall may seem relatively short, even they have a distinct feel about them.

As we approach Memorial Day and the unofficial start to summer, my senses are telling me of the coming changes more than the calendar. I can SMELL summer approaching. The cut grass, the crisp air, the smell of rain showers... the SOUNDS of the lawn mowers, the crickets and many birds chirping. Pretty soon it will be off to the local nursery to get our summer flowers.

Though I am not a fan of the heat... anything above 60 and the sweat starts to pour... I do enjoy the summer months. I've already sat out on my patio to do some reading and have tried to keep the windows open as much as possible.

I can't imagine living in a place that didn't have the change of seasons. It's Mother Nature's way of making sure life doesn't get too boring. By the time you have had it with one season, a new season begins arriving, bringing with it a fresh excitement and a new look to life.

Poor CofE

2010-05-12T12:31:00.004-04:00

The Church of England is now dealing with the problem of allowing female "priests" and "bishops". One has to feel sorry for the Anglican Communion. They seem to have lost any sense of identity, tradition and heritage they once had. It seems like every other week there is a new trend in their style of worship or the structure of their Church that is a complete reversal from centuries of established tradition and approved prayer life

How often can the faithful be pelted with more changes and be expected to accept them? I'm getting a headache just watching them, and I'm not Anglican.

I wish someone would explain to me what the core beliefs of the Anglican/Episcopal Church are, because at this point I'm lost. It seems every country... diocese... church... has their own sets of beliefs and ways of doing things. Truth is apparently only in the eyes of the beholder.

While I believe in the inherent equality of men and women, I don't think being treated equal means being identical. A father can never be a mother.. no matter how hard he tries. Only a woman can give birth. There are differences between men and women... why not celebrate them and embrace them?

I applauded the Women's Rights Movement until they started burning bras and dressing like men. Don't forget those women professors "back in the day" who refused to admit males to their classes... because that is a sign of acceptance and equality right?

I thought Christian worship was supposed to be Christ centered... not gender centered. The Anglican Communion seems to have forgotten that... putting gender first (women for the sake of having women up there), politics second (having gays up there for the sake of having gays there) and Christ third (Oh yea, we're Christian too).

I have no business telling people what to believe.. and if the Church of England wants women "priests" and "bishops", that's their business. But could they at least dress the part?? What's with all the "vestments" that look like they were assembled from a JoAnn Fabric's clearance sale??? I would think the office and title these women have been fighting for for so long would deserve a little more dignity.... or maybe the mitre has to match one's shoes. I don't know.

Hat Addiction?

2010-04-19T14:46:00.007-04:00

I know of a few women who have an addiction for purses/handbags. Vintage, designer, knock offs... it doesn't matter. They have to have one in every imaginable shape, color and brand. Some women (and yes.. even men) have an addiction for shoes. Remember Carrie from Sex in the City and her love affair with designer shoes? Good Lord.. the money that woman paid out for shoes... but who am I to talk?

My name is Mike (aka Bing), and I have a hat addiction. I always LOVED hats.. uniform hats, costume hats, clerical hats... you name it. Growing up though, I never wore a hat... with the exception of the occasional winter knitted cap with the fuzz ball on the top. Why were those so popular... and why are they still used?

I digress...

I never wore hats much growing up because the only available hat on the market was the baseball cap. That's right.. cap, not hat. There is a difference. I have never been a fan of sports, so never saw the reason to wear something so associated with sports. I also hate the idea of being a walking billboard... wearing a tshirt or cap that essentially advertises a product or team across itself.. making the wearer a moving advertisement.

It wasn't until I started college that I saw some men (professors and fellow parishioners), and even some college lads sporting fedoras (in various styles). My love affair began. Not only are they practical (keeping you warm in the winter, and the sun off your head in the summer), but they are so classic!

I started by wearing a fedora only to Mass on Sundays... figuring they only went with the suit and tie. As my own individuality began to emerge, and my need for other's approval began to lessen.. I started wearing them everyday. For the past three years now.. a day hasn't passed that I haven't stepped out the door without a brim on.. and on the rare occasion I don't have my topper securely in place.. I feel quite.. well.. naked.

Hats have seen a slow resurgence in popularity with a few big name movie stars wearing them on a regular basis.. such as Justin Timberlake and Brad Pitt. They have made the "stingy brimmed" (meaning a brim of under 2 inches in length) rather trendy. You can even find cheap knock off fedoras in Walmarts and Targets around the country. For the mad hatters of the world like myself though... these will never do.

Gone are the days when a man could walk into a clothing store and try on a hat... or even have a hat shop in their neck of the woods. Now, if a guy wants a good quality lid.. he has to search the internet for the color, size and style he is looking for. Sadly, this discourages many would-be hat wears.. since it's hard to judge by looking at a picture what style hat will look best on a man.. fit his face and compliment his style.. not to mention will it fit? Die hard hat wears like myself have spent a small fortune in shipping and return fees alone. In the end though.. it's worth it for finding that perfect hat!

I wore quite a few cheap hats without having the slightest idea what hat looked right for me. When I look back on older pics, I cringe. The hats were too big, or the wrong shape. I never wear a hat with a brim larger than 2 inches (and that's pushing it for me)... and I almost always get a variation of the pork pie style... a more rounded top... popular with the jazz crowd.

Buffalo, while bring classified as a dying city, has one treasure most cities no longer have. We actually have our own master hatter. No, this doesn't mean another nut like myself who owns way too many hats.. but a person who actually makes hats... using decades old techniques and machinery... long abandoned as hats declined in the 1960s.

These custom hats don't come cheap.. but they are worth every penny! Made of the finest materials.. and custom made to suit your face.. and of course fit your noggin. They will last a lifetime.

For those that live in the Buffalo area.. I encourage you to check out the small shop of Mr. Gary White.. also known as the Custom Hatter.. located on Broadway in the old East Side. He really doesn't have much of a website... you call to make and appointment... and he will gladly show you his shop, let you see how he makes hats, and even show you the many styles of hats he's made for famous movies and Broadway productions!!

I've been searching the internet looking for summer hats for the approaching warmer weather. If I wore my felt hats, I'd sweat to death.. so summer hats are made of straw, or a straw like synthetic. I'm not a fan of summer hats like I am with my fall and winter lids.. probably because there is less of a selection.. and they all seem a wee bit too casual for my taste. Granted, summer is a more casual and laid back season.

If boaters ever become popular again.. I'll get one of those in a heartbeat. As of now though.. I'm not gutsy enough to be that unique.

I just purchased a new olive green pork pie made by Bailey Hats, and will probably be getting a brown pork pie from Biltmore hats in the near future. I never know when a hat I like will stop being made.. so I have to snatch it while I can. A good excuse, huh?

After joining an online forum years back known as The Fedora Lounge and chatting with other young people (also known as Young Fogeys) from around the globe.. we all seem to have a similar take on hats. While we want them to remain in the public's mind enough that we don't look completely out of place in the "modern" world.. we don't exactly want hats to become the standard they once were. Hats were abandoned as a sign of uniformity and conformity to a world that seemed out of touch with modern ideas. Now.. they represent a sense of individuality.. daring to reflect your own sense of style.. and standing out just a little... Rejecting the mass acceptance of the ball cap.

And just as a side note.. For those who think fedora styled hats are something only grandpas wear.... look around at the "old" men you see every day. They all wear baseball caps. Just saying...

Any idiot can blend in.. it takes courage to be unique.

*tips hat* :)

Holocaust Remembrance Day

2010-04-11T22:18:00.006-04:00

Today is Holocaust Remembrance Day. Let us all take time to remember the atrocities that have happened, are happening and can happen because of hate and prejudice.

Today we remember all the groups of people killed under the regime of the Nazis... The thousands upon thousands of Jews, Catholics, Polish, Jehovah Witnesses, Political Prisoners, and Homosexuals who were killed because they were labeled as "different".. and different is bad. Don't we still do this today? Label people as "other" and separate from the "norm".

Let's reflect on our own prejudices... and when we stand up and say "Never Again", let's mean it!

I'm watching another version of The Diary of Anne Frank. I always find myself hoping it will end differently... that they will all survive the war. I know how the story ends.. but I still hope it will end differently each time I watch it. It's just one story... one voice of so many that have been silenced prematurely because of hate.

The above picture is part of a prison uniform of a homosexual prisoner.. as denoted by the pink triangle. For those interested in learning about a less publicized group of people who were also targeted by the Nazis, I encourage you to read the short yet moving book: The Men with the Pink Triangle

Easter/Dyngus Day

2010-04-05T19:51:00.005-04:00

I hope everyone had a great Easter Sunday!!!

I really enjoyed the holiday. It started with a beautiful Mass at St. Anthony's, followed by brunch with my Dad's side of the family. After brunch, Dad and I went on a 5 miles walk to enjoy the Easter sunshine... and to burn off some of the calories which we packed on at brunch!

My sister-in-law had us over her house, along with her parents, for dinner. We had a great time!! The food was amazing, and our two families always have a blast when we get together.

My brother Joe let us play his Wii. Nothing beats Wii bowling in your Easter best!

Today is Dyngus Day... a Polish American, post-Lenten celebration. I had never been to the parade, so I figured with the beautiful (albeit cold) weather, it was time for me to see it personally!

I wandered around the East Side of Buffalo for about an hour prior to the parade.... visiting The Central Terminal and historic Corpus Christi Church. The people watching was just as good as the parade itself.. it was amazing to see so many people, young and old.. sporting their Polish pride!

I ran into my friend and fellow St. Anthony's parishioner, Mary. She was asked to be a judge for the parade floats along with her charming husband Howard. They allowed me to tag along with them... It was cool getting ushered through the crowd with the "official judges". They were all wonderful people... and parades are always nicer when you're watching them WITH someone rather than by yourself... otherwise.. there is no one to "ooo" and "ahhh" with... or give the old "raspberries" to for the floats that showed little effort.

Howard had me laughing to myself. There he is standing there in an amazing brown pinstripe suit and tie.. a stark contrast from the shorts and t-shirt wearing crowd around him... jotting down notes on every float and group that passed us by. I think he'd be a good guest judge for a show like Project Runway or American Idol. He took his job quite seriously!

Sadly, I left my camera at home. I'm hoping to "borrow" some of the photos Mary took when she posts them on her blog. :)

After the parade.. I hiked to the Mother Church of "Polonia", St. Stanislaus. I have never seen the inside of that amazing Church. And you know what.. I didn't see it today either. The doors were locked! ugh!!!

Across in the Church hall was a big gathering of Polocks eating sausage, drinking beer, and listening to Polka. A friend of mine who was in the parade was over there with his colleagues from work. I tried to make my way through the crowd to say hello.. even paying my $2 entrance fee... but alas, I gave up after 5 minutes. Being shoved into a Church hall with wall to wall beer wielding Polocks did not seem like fun to me. I gave up on my attempt at being social, and headed back to the calm of the suburbs.

No, I didn't hit anyone with pussy willows.. or squirt anyone with water. I did however get hit with the pussy willows by a cute little old Polish lady near Corpus Christi Church. I tipped my hat to her and wished her a Happy Easter... I think however, that the hitting with the pussy willow means we're now engaged. I don't know... my Polish heritage was never stressed much growing up.. so your guess is as good as mine.

Preparing for Easter

2010-03-31T16:47:00.004-04:00

This year, Easter dinner will be held at my brother and sister-in-law's home.. which was my Grandmother's house. It will be nice to be there again for a major holiday.

My contribution to Easter is chocolate cream candy. My brother asked for these specifically, and I was happy to oblige.... ok, maybe I did grumble a little. The cream filling is very similar to Cadbury Creme eggs... not exactly Weight Watchers friendly, but delicious none the less.

When I was growing up, my maternal Grandmother made the majority of our Easter candy. She had made her own chocolate solids and filled chocolates for years, and had a plethora of candy molds and forms. Once I reached a certain age.. I started to help her make the chocolate, though not with the enjoyment she had. Grams found candy making to be very relaxing and could do it for hours straight. I find it to be tedious and the smell of the melted chocolate makes me sick after a while.. haha.

Grams, like me, was a very stubborn person when it came to how things were to be done. That meant arguments would arise as to how to make the chocolate and fillings. Gramps used to like to sit in the other room and just watch us bicker... both wearing our aprons and dripping chocolate all over the table. Despite our arguments, we made a good team.

I told Grams that the candy making was going to be a tradition that died with her.. as I had no desire to do the work on my own. Since her death in 2005 though, not an Easter goes by that I don't find myself making SOME sort of chocolate concoction. Never to the extent that she did... but I get out the old heating tray and end up with bowls of melted chocolate none the less. I can still hear her telling me to do things her way.. and I still ignore her advice. haha!

This year... as I searched in my baking cupboard for some chocolate chips to melt, I came across one of Grandma's old plastic candy molds.. this one of the character Woodstock from the Peanuts cartoon. I LOVE all things Snoopy and Woodstock, and used to get one of these in my basket for years. I thought I had thrown all of the molds out since they were much too old for further use. I have no idea where Woodstock came from... as I had not use for it, or come across it since Grams died in '05. I felt all warm and fuzzie inside.. like Grams was reminding me of our times together back in the good old days... in her kitchen... making a chocolate mess!

Included here is one of my favorite pics of my Grams and I. It was taken one year at Walmart when I had to be the Easter bunny for free photo shoots with the customers. I always hated that job... it was the hottest outfit imaginable, and never enough oxygen to breathe!

I was so surprise when my family showed up with Grams to see me. By this time, her balance was rather poor due to a previous stroke.. but she still insisted on trying to sit on my lap for a picture. This is my favorite picture of the two of us... even though I don't look quite like myself.

I miss my Grandparents during holidays such as Easter.. all of them.. and carry them with me in my heart, and remember them all in a special way at Easter Mass.

So as you prepare for Easter.. take note of some traditions you may have... and remember the people who started them, or passed them on to you.

Who is to blame?

2010-03-27T18:27:00.003-04:00

What really irks me about the newspapers and news reports in regards to the atrocious sex abuse scandals, is that they expect a man thousands of miles away to be the only source of protection. Take the case in Milwaukee with that monster in priest's clothing. "Everyone" is slamming Benedict because, as cardinal, he didn't laicize (we would use the term "de-frock") the priest. The then Cardinal Ratzinger did not get directly involved in the case until the mid to late's 90s, and was presented with an elderly and dying priest who had allegations against him almost 20 years earlier.

Ratzinger made the decision for good or bad, right or wrong.. to allow the man to die with his priesthood... all four months he had left after Ratzinger made that decision. Ratzinger didn't allow him to remain a priest all those 20 years, he allowed him 4 months to his death... and let me assure you, whether Ratzinger can be called merciful or foolish for that decision.. the man had to face a much higher court than any one here on Earth.

But what keeps bugging me about this case and so many others is this question "Where the hell are the civil authorities in all this?" The police don't need approval from the Vatican to throw a sex offender in jail.. or to bring him to trial. And yet, with the monster in Milwaukee, the police department dropped the charges because they couldn't find enough evidence. Really?!? 200 reported cases, and there wasn't enough evidence?!? But yea.. the Pope dropped the ball on this one.

That's like telling me, if you or your child is raped by an employee of Toyota.. you are going to write a letter to the corporate office in Japan and wait for them to act. I should hope not!! You'd be beating down the door at your local police station demanding an arrest.

Throw the bastards in jail and let them rot.... whether they Vatican strips them of their clerical status or not, let the courts and justice system do their jobs.

Church Scandals

2010-03-19T18:09:00.004-04:00

Catholics are not alone with the problem of sex abuse scandals. Here in WNY, it's all we hear about in our local news regarding our government. Maybe if we let people elect their leaders.. this type of thing would not happen. Oh.. we already do that. Simply "google" "youth minister sex abuse" and hundreds of articles will pop up that didn't make the headlines on CNN.. probably because they don't sell as many newspapers as anti-Catholicism does. Perhaps Protestant ministers should be allowed to marry.. that would stop the sex abuse. Oh wait.. they can be married. Perhaps allow women to be ordained? No.. they have that too.

Churches, like anything where man gets a say... have many faults. We are made up of sinners... BUT.. with the chance to become saints. People don't realize when they ramble off these stories about clergy abuse... everyone gets hurt. --- The many people who practice their faith are now targeted and demonized for attending a Church that "allows" such abuse. The many priests and religious who have never harmed a child now become the victims of verbal and even physical assaults as they are painted as criminals because of their vocation.

I don't deny these abuses have happened.. are happening. I don't deny that they have to be prevented at all costs... but I don't agree with what the media is doing -- selling newspapers by singling out one group and making them be the only representation of a global organization.

I agree completely with the Pope's stance to deal with these matters privately. This does not mean the police/authorities are not to be involved. It means that these issues, when brought to light, are not plastered all over the front page news and become headlines for every talk show across the globe. It means the matter will be handled by Church officials with the cooperation of local authorities to address the matter.

Below I have pasted an expert from Father Z's blog, What Does the Prayer Really Say? -- where Father comments on a recent article from the Catholic News Agency. I ask that you pray about this whole crisis... not fuel the fire and allow more people to be hurt in the rampage.

-------------------------------------------------
Accused Munich priest resigns in sex abuse case wrongly linked to Pope [wrongly]

Munich, Germany, Mar 17, 2010 / 03:35 am (CNA/EWTN News).- The Tourism chaplain for the Archdiocese of Munich and Freising has been immediately suspended from ministry after more allegations that he sexual abused minors. While some news reports have tried to link Pope Benedict XVI to the charges, a subordinate in the archdiocese has claimed responsibility for failures in responding to the case. [It is necessary to repeat here something not mentioned in any news stories I have read. The role of the Vicar General in German dioceses is very strong. They handle most personnel issues for the bishop.]

A statement from the archdiocese said that it had been presented with evidence the clergyman committed sexual abuse since an episode in 1986.

The accused, known as Priest H., had held youth services and took young people camping despite a ban on his contact with children, Bild.de says.

Archbishop of Munich and Freising Bernhard Kellner on Monday announced that he would be suspended from service with “immediate effect.”

Priest H. reportedly abused at least two children in Essen in 1979 and in Bavaria in 1985. He was sentenced to 18 months probation in the latter case.

One victim, 41-year-old Wilfried Fesselmann, is from Gelsenkirchen in North Rhine-Westphalia. He said that he was 11 at the time of the alleged abuse.

According to Fesselmann, the priest invited “nice children” to sleep in the rectory. Priest H. gave Fesselman an alcoholic drink and forced him to perform an oral sex act.

Priest H.’s superior, Prelate [This is "Monsignor". "Prelat" is the German title for Monsignor.] Josef Obermaier, resigned on Monday. A spokesman for the archdiocese said he accepts responsibility for “serious errors in the course of his supervision.”

Some media reports have tried to link Pope Benedict XVI to the scandal because he was Archbishop of Munich and Freising between 1977 and 1982.

Fr. Federico Lombardi, director of the Holy See’s Press Office, released a statement on Saturday morning on the issue. He said that a recent communiqué from the Archdiocese of Munich answers questions about Priest H. He stressed that the document shows [NB] that as archbishop the future Pope Benedict was completely "extraneous" to the decisions made after the abuses were verified. [This is because the Vicar General handled it.]

The archdiocese said during Pope Benedict’s tenure as archbishop Priest H. was in the pastoral care of the vicar general at the time, Fr. Gerhard Gruber.

"Gruber assumes full responsibility for these mistaken decisions," the archdiocese reported.

Fr. Lombardi’s statement also criticized media coverage of the charges.

"It’s rather evident that in recent days there are those who have sought – with a certain tenacity, in Regensburg and in Munich – elements for personally involving the Holy Father in the questions of the abuses. For every objective observer, it’s clear that these efforts have failed."

The Vatican spokesman concluded by reaffirming that "despite the tempest," the Church sees the course to follow "under the sure and rigorous guide of the Holy Father."

St. Joseph's Day

2010-03-19T14:16:00.004-04:00

Today is the feast of St. Joseph, foster father of Jesus. I make that clarification because Joseph isn't exactly a rare name. In my family alone, if you say "Joe", a few guys turn their heads to see whom you are talking to.

Even though I feel a bit more patriotic for Ireland (seeing as my last name is Irish) on St. Patrick's day... and do the "wearin' of the green", eat corned beef and cabbage, and all that fun stuff.. I hold a special place in my heart for St. Joseph's feast day. St. Joseph is the patron saint of the Diocese of Buffalo, and also the patron of the parish/school I grew up in... St. Joseph's in North Tonawanda. Sadly, the parish and school are now closed.

I have fond memories of our annual St. Joseph's Day table and celebration when I was in school.. before our school merged with the other two Catholic schools in N.T. We would be preparing all week... making homemade loaves of bread shaped like hearts and canes... peeling apples and making apple sauce (as this is a meatless meal.. since it takes place during lent)... and even making paper lilies (symbol of St. Joseph's virginity) to decorate the statue of St. Joseph in our Church.

We'd be doing all this during school time.. it was a big community event... then we'd have the celebration on his feast day, the last half of the school day. We'd have a Mass and long procession, then the actual meal in the school hall. We'd have a special collection at Mass and at the dinner... all proceeds of which went to the poor.. as is tradition with St. Joseph's tables. It is a part of our Catholic heritage that has crumbled and dissolved over time. People still see what externals of the faith remain, but are too busy or too lazy to LEARN why we do them, and what they mean.

I was happy to see my current parish of St. Anthony's, originally a parish for Italian immigrants in the city of Buffalo, still going all our for St. Joe's feast day. As you can see from the very fuzzy cell phone picture I snapped last Sunday before Mass started, a statue of St. Joseph was set up in a place of honor, with red, white and green candles before it, representing Italy. For Catholics.. it's much more than Italian pride... it's a celebration of faith, tradition and charity -- sharing food with friends and family.. and raising money to help the poor. The money raised from St. Anthony's version of St. Joseph's table went to the Haiti Earthquake Relief Fund.

I didn't even mind... that much... that the choir played a hymn to St. Joseph instead of "Hail Glorious St. Patrick".... I sang that hymn on the way home. :)

When my former school closed two years ago, I was gifted with a statue of St. Joseph. We kept a statue of St. Joe or the Holy Mother in each classroom. It meant so much to have one of these symbols that had been in one of the classrooms since the 50's as a memento of a school experience I hold so dearly in my heart. I brought the statue upstairs and put him in the dining room (I live downstairs from my parents and two siblings) to remind my family of our heritage.. not just as Italians.. but as members of a living tradition and community... faults and all.. we are still a universal (the meaning of Catholic) family.

I remember a woman once saying she used to ask St. Anne to bring her a husband with the humorous prayer "St. Anne.. St. Anne.. bring me a man. St. Anne, St. Anne.. as fast as you can!". Me? I ask St. Joseph to keep an eye out for me. Sure, he was heterosexual.. and I don't hold that against him... but he knew what it meant to be an awesome husband and father... so I ask him to keep his eyes open for me to find my own husband. I know the Vatican might not like me saying that out load.. but heck.. they have enough to keep them busy right now.

Kirby

2010-03-16T13:16:00.005-04:00

When I was a wee lad, my FAVORITE movie was Disney's The Brave Little Toaster. If you haven't heard of it, you're not alone. It came out in the early 80's, and to my knowledge, was only shown on the Disney Channel. Back then, Disney was not part of the standard cable line up, so my parents had to pay extra for it.

We'd get a monthly magazine.. the Disney Channel Guide.. to tell you what programming was offered on specific dates. My Mom would always tell me when The Brave Little Toaster would be on... and I'd eagerly await watching it... still with the same excitement as if it was my first time seeing it.

One of the main characters is Kirby.. the grumpy old vacuum cleaner. I always had a love for vacuums... even at an early age. Even now.. I enjoy doing the vacuuming.. I find it very calming.. maybe it's the hum of the motor.. maybe it's the back and forth motion... whatever it is.. I have the cleanest carpets in town.

My grandparents happened to have an early 1960's model Kirby sitting in their basement. It had long been retired by the time I had come around.. and Gramps only used it to vacuum out his car. It looked so much like the "Kirby" in the move. I used to go down to the basement and play with it.. pushing it around the floor, pretending it was the real character. I never actually turned it on since it actually scared the hell out of me... maybe it was a little too life-like.. that when the motor turned on and the bag inflated.. it was too much for my young heart and wild imagination to handle.

Recently, I found an old Kirby Dual Sanitronic 80 on ebay. The motor had been professionally restored, and the aluminum polished. It is a late 60's model.. so it's a tad different than the one I grew up with... but it's GREEN... like the one in the cartoon, as well as being my favorite color. So, I bought it.

I was so excited when it arrived.. I know... only I would find a vintage vacuum cleaner to be exciting. I assembled the unit.. and before turning it on.. felt the same sense of hesitation I had as a child.

The unit works great!!! It does a better job than my parent's 5 year old all plastic Dyson. Like I've said before.. there's something so cool about usable antiques. It's so much more fun when you can actually USE something from the past instead of having it just sit on a shelf. It's a bit of continuity with the past. For me, this vacuum links my fond memories of playing in my grandparent's basement with my favorite childhood movie.

I may be a nerd.. but at least I'm a clean one.

Couldn't help but notice.....

2010-03-07T14:47:00.004-05:00

The Introit of today's Mass (3rd Sunday of Lent) seemed to be speaking directly to me:

My eyes are ever towards the Lord: for He shall pluck my feet out of the snare: look Thou upon me, and have mercy on me; for I am alone and poor. -- (Ps. 24. 1, 2). To Thee, O Lord, have I lifted up my soul: in Thee, O my God, I put my trust; let me be not ashamed.

Being single for a number of years takes its toll... as well as not finding a job in your field (like so many others in this Great Recession).

It is hitting me harder and harder that my life has not progressed much at all since I graduated High School 10 years ago. I am still a college student.. still work retail.. still live at home... and am still single. None of this seems like it will change any time soon. ---> especially with all the budget cuts in education. Even the dreaded idea of moving to another state does not look promising as education cuts and budget cuts are sweeping the nation.

I'm grumpy and admit it. I feel as if the world is passing me by while I've been standing still. I check the online teacher employment system everyday.. and there is nothing posted for jobs in any of the major academic subjects.. let alone Social Studies. When a job does become available, there are thousands of applicants for one position... and I'm not exaggerating.

Where do I go from here?

Death of the Telephone?

2010-03-04T15:15:00.005-05:00

My grandfather used to always complain how nothing was built to last anymore. He had seen this particularly in American cars. He worked for GM (which I am still loyal to), and saw the quality of cars drop over his lifetime. He would always lament the fact that they were made to be so disposable, and were becoming more difficult to repair on your own.

Older technology may seem more primitive to what we have today.. and usually it was. They were simple devices, made for one basic function.. but made to do that function well, and for a long time. Now, things are made to be multi-taskers, which in my opinion, makes them sacrifice quality in one area to provide us with mediocre performance in multiple areas. Nothing is designed to last too long. "Planned obsolescence". One or two years, then throw it out and buy a new one.

Where did all the repair shops go? Oh, they too became obsolete. Why fix something when you could just replace it all together?

This brings me to a piece of technology I thought we'd never dispense of.. the telephone. Yes, cell phones are probably here to stay, but what about what are now referred to as "land lines"?

When I was a kid, I remember thinking nothing would change much in households in terms of technology like it had from my Grandparent's and parent's time... with the exception of computers. Never would I have dreamed that so many people would be ditching the telephone line. I still remember learning to dial my grandmother's phone number on our kitchen rotary phone.. yes.. I caught the tail end of the rotary phone craze before moving to all touch tone phones.

In fact, my main telephone in my sitting room.. still connected to our land line.. is a chrome plated, heavy bakelite handset, Western Electric 202 telephone. It was made in the early 1920, and works better than any phone in the house!! I love the zip-click-click-click that the dial makes when placing a call.. and the metal bells chiming the call as it arrives. My God-son came over for Christmas last year and was fascinated by it. I taught him how to dial his Mom's cell phone number with the rotary dial and he thought it was the neatest thing!

Since I share a home with my folks, the majority of my incoming calls go to my cell phone. I'm not a big fan of talking on cell phones.. I find the clarity poor.. no matter what phone or service I have. It's just too choppy.. but none the less, I use the cell... and am addicted to texting people (the modern day telegram?). To make my Blackberry more at home in my sitting room of yesteryear, I devised a retro charging station for it. I took a dial-less Western Electric 302 telephone (like the one seen in the old "I Love Lucy" episodes), took the handset off, and replaced it with a HULGER penelope handset that connects right to the Blackberry.. allowing for better hearing for me, and a more comfortable and familiar way to gab on the phone. If I have to use disposable technology, I can at least give it some of the style of its classic ancestors.

As long as it is financially possible, we will be keeping our landline. I know digital phone service is just as clear, but I don't like the fact your phone goes dead when the power goes out. I want something I can depend on.. and for now.. the old phone lines give me the safe warm and fuzzy feeling.. in case of emergency.. it will still be there. I am pleased to know however, that should the day come when digital phone is mandatory.. there are new pulse to tone converters for my old WE 202... so this 80+ year old beauty will still allow me to "reach out and touch someone" for years to come.

The Winter Wardrobe

2010-02-22T13:31:00.003-05:00

Winter is one of my favorite seasons.. though I admit up front that I don't care for driving in the snow. If Mother Nature could manage to make the snow fall everywhere else OTHER than on the streets, I would be eternally grateful.

What I love most about the winter.. other than the absence of hot temps (I don't do heat well) is the winter wardrobe. I love my wool coats and felt hats... so much nicer than shorts and straw hats. You feel like a million bucks when walking around in a nice winter outfit sometimes.... even if at times it feels more like "cold" hard cash. Get it? Ok, maybe it was a bad pun.. but still.. I laughed.

I have a full length top coat/overcoat that I purchased when I first started teaching two years ago to wear with my professional attire. I LOVE wearing it.. it's almost like wearing a cape with sleeves. Such a classic piece to any wardrobe, and rather fun to wear. They are quite costly though, mostly because of all the wool that goes into a coat falling just below the knees. So to spare my "good coat" the wear and tear of everyday use, I decided to hit up the thrift stores to see what I could find.

I like browsing thrift stores.. you never know what you will come across. Sometimes all I find is junk, but other times I make out pretty well!! Last Saturday I went to two stores on my way home from work. I was tied, but had this nagging feeling to go. At the second store, I came across an old navy blue full length coat. I could tell it was pretty old by the style and weight of the wool.. which is pretty heavy. The coat was covered in lint and what was probably dog hair.. so I passed it by. I started to walk out of the store and decided to at least try it on. It fit like a glove! At $14.99, I figured it might clean up well, and if not.. I hadn't lost much money. I purchased it.. and then dropped it off to be dry cleaned.

Wednesday, I went to pick it up. There, on the rack waiting for me, was the most beautiful overcoat I had ever seen... full of vintage glory!! I was shocked! It looked brand new!!! It cleaned up better than I ever would have expected. I love it so much, I almost hate to wear this coat in fear that I will damage it.. I actually like it better than my "good coat". Go figure! It's so fun to wear.. not to mention warm. Talk about a find!!

Ah.. the joys of thrift store hunting... and the joys of the winter wardrobe!

An inspiring post.. from someone else.

2010-02-18T12:57:00.003-05:00

I couldn't have said it better myself... so I didn't bother to try. So many people ask me these same questions, and this man answered them wonderfully! All emphasis are my own.

All Your Church Are Belong to Us

by John Zmirak

2/17/10

"Why do you people care so much about externals?" my non-Trad friends sometimes ask me. And they deserve an answer. A few weeks back, my delightfully contentious colleague here, Mark Shea, waded into the conflict between those who describe themselves simply as "orthodox" Catholics, and those who consider themselves "traditionalists." (Just to save space in the comments box, I mean by this term people who favor the traditional liturgy -- not those who associate with organizations under ecclesiastical suspension.)This line has begun to blur more and more in the wake of Pope Benedict XVI's Summorum Pontificum, which we Trads greeted as a kind of Emancipation Proclamation -- even as many of our bishops answered it with liturgical Jim Crow.

Still, the division is palpable. It was lying right there on the table, for any who cared to palpate it, last week when I went to dinner with a Trad-minded colleague and a visiting author who'd come to speak at our college on G. K. Chesterton. (The presentation was riveting, and I highly recommend Dale Ahlquist's talks and books.) Like the good Mr. Shea, our speaker is a convert, and he shared with Mark a puzzlement at the apparent fixation traditionalists have on restoring former elements of the liturgy and other Catholic practices that are not essential, and resisting innovations that are not inherently evil. Having come from churches that didn't have the Eucharist, and remaining through God's grace flush with gratitude for the sacraments, many converts really don't understand what the rest of us are nattering on about. We who grew up privileged may seem like sulky, spoiled kids. We owe these good people an explanation.

Sometimes they think we just care about aesthetics. One visit to a Sunday Latin Low Mass without music, recited soundlessly into a marble altar, should put that idea to flight. Compared to a Novus Ordo liturgy in the vernacular, and from a purely human point of view, attending Low Mass can be dull. You feel like you are eavesdropping. If you follow along in the missal, you can feel that you are watching a very solemn foreign film without any subtitles, except that you have the screenplay. There's a reason the old rubrics relegated Low Mass to weekdays, and called (though they were rarely answered) for sung Solemn Mass on Sundays and holy days. Pope Pius X wasn't kidding when he asked for parishes to revive Gregorian chant and teach it to the laity. Nor is there any good reason why Latin Mass congregations don't give the responses along with the servers -- except perhaps the fear that this is somehow the first step down a long road that leads to clown Mass. Get over it, fratres.

Other people think that we are a band of Latin scholars, desperate to put our dusty declensions to practical use. Again, one conversation with the congregants at the coffee hour will dash that infant theory against the rocks. Most of us studied Latin, if at all, as part of vocabulary practice for the SATs, and follow the English side of the missal. I don't know a single Traditionalist who wouldn't prefer the old Mass, facing the altar, said in English, to the Novus Ordo chanted in Latin facing the people. While the universal language of the Church is still to be revered for all the reasons that Vatican II prescribed in Sacrosanctum Concilium, it isn't Why We Fight.

Still more people think that we cling to the ancient liturgy as a piece of nostalgia for a Church that we vaguely remember, or heard about from our parents, whose schools drummed a stark, simplistic orthodoxy into hordes of dutiful children; whose religious orders and seminaries weren't riddled with rank heresy and extensive networks of secret homosexuals; whose bishops manfully echoed the traditional teachings of centuries without constant goading from Rome; whose buildings and services at least strove for dignity and austerity, even if they sometimes descended into tedium and kitsch.

I'm tempted to say at this point: That's right. That's exactly what we want. Or at least what we'd settle for. What faithful Catholic wouldn't, if he could right now, wave a magic wand and swap the American church of 2010 for that of 1940 -- with all its acknowledged abuses and hidden worldliness? I'll take the blustering Cardinal Spellman over the scheming Archbishop Weakland any day.

But, of course, things never work like that. You can't bring back the Habsburgs by hanging their banners in your apartment (trust me, I've tried), and we cannot undo the catastrophic "renewal" launched in the name of the Second Vatican Council (often in plain defiance of its documents) by clicking our heels and reciting, "There's no place like Rome" -- even in ecclesiastical Latin. Some confrontation between the Church and late Western modernity was inevitable, and if it hadn't happened at the Council, it would have occurred some other way. The Eastern churches didn't vandalize their liturgy; have they been spared the ravages of secularization? Not according to my Greek Orthodox friends, who show up for the last ten minutes of liturgy each week to pick up blessed bread and join their friends for baklava and gossip. The liturgy is miraculous, but it doesn't work like magic: Rev. Teilhard de Chardin had said the Tridentine Mass for decades even as he invented Catholic Scientology; conversely, his sometime housemate at New York’s St. Ignatius Loyola, the holy Rev. John Hardon, obediently switched missals with every tinkering that came to him from the bishops.

Of course, there's something to be said for a liturgy whose very nature resists and defeats abuses. The Ordinary Form can be extraordinarily reverent when said by a holy priest. I've been to such liturgies hundreds of times, and I'm grateful for every one. On the other hand, the new liturgy, with all its Build-a-Bear options, is terribly easy to abuse. The old Mass reminds me of what they used to say about the Catholic Church and the U.S. Navy: "It's a machine built by geniuses so it can be operated safely by idiots." The old liturgy was crafted by saints, and can be said by schlubs without risk of sacrilege. The new rite was patched together by bureaucrats, and should only be safely celebrated by the saintly.

There are plenty of theological arguments by men more learned than I -- such as Michael Davies and, er, the current pope -- for the superiority of various elements in the traditional liturgy, such as the priest facing the altar instead of the audience. (I use that word advisedly, given the theatrical quality that took over so many parishes since the 1970s.) There are serious objections to many of the changes made in the prayers of the Novus Ordo -- and they were made by the man who used to hold the former Joseph Cardinal Ratzinger's job at the Vatican, Alfredo Cardinal Ottaviani, who presented them to Pope Paul VI, begging him not to issue the Novus Ordo. (Imagine Cardinal Ratzinger begging Pope John Paul II not to impose altar girls. Who knows -- maybe he did!) Although I recommend reading these arguments, I won't rehearse them here, since all of them are prudential. Adopting Lutheran or Anglican language in the Mass probably didn't cause the current crisis of belief in the Real Presence, and cutting such language by eliminating all but the First Eucharistic Prayer might not do much to resolve it. (Still, it's worth a try!)

So what is the practical motivation that drives us Trads to schlep to distant or dangerous parishes, to irritate our spouses and incommode our pastors, to detach from local churches our grandparents scrimped to build? Why insist on external things, like kneeling for communion on the tongue, male altar servers, and the priest facing the altar? None of these, I'll admit for the 5,000th time, is essential for sacramental validity or credal orthodoxy; isn't being a stickler on such issues a wee bit pharisaical, even prissy? (I have encountered the odd Trad activist with an unnatural attachment to silk and lace -- pastors wearily call them "daughters of Trent" -- but they aren't the norm. Weary fathers of six or seven pack most Latin Mass pews.)

Here's what we Trads have realized, that the merely orthodox haven’t: Inessential things have power (We teach through symbols!!!), which is why we bother with them in the first place. In every revolution, the first thing you change is the flag. Once that has been replaced, in the public mind all bets are off -- which is why the Commies and Nazis filled every available space with their Satanic banners. Imagine, for a moment, that a newly elected president replaced the Stars and Stripes with the Confederate battle flag. Or that he replaced our 50 stars with the flag of Mexico. Let's say he got away with doing this, and wasn't carried off by the Secret Service to an "undisclosed location." What would that signify for his administration? If people accepted the change, what else would they be likely to accept?

It's no accident that the incessant tinkerings with the liturgy came at the same time as the chaos surrounding the Church's teaching on birth control. As Anne Roche Muggeridge pointed out in her indispensable history The Desolate City, the Church's position on contraception was "under consideration" for almost a decade -- which led pastors to tell troubled couples that they could follow their consciences. If the Church could change the Mass, ordinary Catholics concluded, the nuances of marital theology were surely up for grabs. No wonder that when Paul VI reluctantly issued Humanae Vitae, people felt betrayed. (It didn't help when the Vatican refused to back a cardinal who tried to enforce the document, which made it seem like the pope was winking.)

The perception that the Church was in a constant state of doctrinal flux was confirmed by the reality that her most central, sacred mystery was being monkeyed with -- almost every year. I remember being in grammar school when they told us, "The pope wants us to receive Communion in the hand now." (He didn't; it was an abuse that was forced on the Vatican through relentless disobedience until it became a local norm, but never mind.) Then, a few years later, "The pope wants us to stand for Communion." A few more grades, and we heard, "The pope wants us to go to Confession face to face." What had seemed a solid bulwark of formality and seriousness was suddenly shifting with every year's hemlines -- which is precisely what the heretics conspiring to change the Church's teaching had in mind. That is why they pushed for these futile, pastorally destructive changes of "inessentials" -- as a way of beating down resistance to changing essentials. And, in a worldly sense, they almost succeeded.

The campaign of dissenting priests, nuns, and (let's be honest) bishops culminated, in America, with the Call to Action Conference, which its leading advocate John Francis Cardinal Dearden described in 1977 as "an assembly of the American Catholic community ." This gathering of 2,400 radical Catholic activists was composed of "people deeply involved with the life of the institutional Church and appointed by their bishops" (emphasis added). The Conference approved "progressive resolutions, ones calling for, among other things, the ordination of women and married men, female altar servers, and the right and responsibility of married couples to form their own consciences on the issue of artificial birth control." This is the mess made by the bishops appointed by the author of Humanae Vitae, which his rightly beloved successor John Paul II spent much of his pontificate trying to clean up. What we Trads feel compelled to point out is that he couldn't quite finish the job, and that the deformations of the Roman liturgy enacted by (you guessed it) appointees of Paul VI helped enable all these doctrinal abuses. They changed the flag.

At this point in my discussion of the gravest theological issues that threatened the faith of Catholics in this country, I wish to call your attention to a stupid YouTube video, which gave this essay its willfully illiterate title: "All Your Base Are Belong to Us."

For those of you too young to have experienced the incessant assault upon the sacred that was the liturgical "reform," or grateful converts who don't understand all the fuss, I beg of you: Please watch this video. In fact, stop reading and watch the video first, then come back to finish this essay. I can wait.

The film takes the Pidgin English from a cheesy Japanese computer game and places it everywhere: on street signs, in Budweiser ads, on cigarette packs. At first, the effect is funny, and you wonder about the geeks who spent their time doing all this Photoshop. But keep watching. Savor the effect as the same mindless, meaningless slogan is plastered everywhere, on every blessed thing. Pretty quickly, it starts to be creepy. By the end, you might feel like Japanese anime aliens have in fact taken over. You can see their fingerprints everywhere . . .

That is how it felt to be young and Catholic in the 1970s. Every sacred thing had to be changed, every old thing replaced with a new one, every complicated beauty plastered over by the cheap and the easy. The message was almost subliminal, but by that means all the more powerful: All Your Church Are Belong to Us.

And by changing back the flag, by taking back our Mass, we are saying: Go back to Hell. Our Church belongs to Christ.

John Zmirak is the author, most recently, of the graphic novel The Grand Inquisitor and is Writer-in-Residence at Thomas More College in New Hampshire. He writes weekly for InsideCatholic.com.

Mardi Gras

2010-02-17T21:53:00.004-05:00

Yes.. I made these posts in reverse order. I should have mentioned Mardi Gras BEFORE commenting on Ash Wednesday... but I beg your forgiveness for my chronological error.

Mardi Gras never pulled me to go out and party... unless I was in New Orleans. Now THERE would be something to enjoy!! This year though, I decided to venture out and give it a try.

I went to Q for a drink or two hoping to meet some friends along the way. I did run into a few people I know, and had some good conversations, but mostly I was bored. I've been going out on traditionally big drinking nights figuring I would meet people who perhaps only go out for these big occasions (like the night before Thanksgiving). I'm finding this to be a mistake. All I find are crowds of drunken people... and conversations are not plentiful. Buffalo crowds tend to be cliquey... so when they all gather together like they do for Mardi Gras the odd man out.. stays the odd man out.

So, if you didn't venture out this Fat Tuesday, in my opinion, you didn't miss much. Shame we don't have the New Orleans "King Cake" here in Buffalo... now that in itself is reason to celebrate!

Ashes to Ashes

2010-02-17T21:20:00.004-05:00

Today is Ash Wednesday... the start of the Lenten season. I've always loved Lent.. not because I love sea food, but because I love the symbolism. For people who observe Lent the correct way, it's a time of deep reflection and making sacrifices to remind ourselves of the ultimate sacrifice made for us on the cross.

Because of the bad weather here in Buffalo today, I couldn't make the drive out to my parish of St. Anthony's to attend Mass in the "older" form.. now referred to as the "Extraordinary form". I went to a local Church here in NT, Our Lady of Czestochtowa. It's a pretty Church, built in the first decade of the 20th century. Something about the "newer" liturgy just seems to leaving me wanting a little more... I miss the solemnity that comes with every pre-Vatican II Mass, and am not a fan of all the ad-libbing that creeps into the modern form of the Mass.

The custom of receiving ashes is quite old. It is a reminder of our own mortality. God created Adam out of the dust of the Earth, and eventually, our own bodies will become dust once again after we die. It is only our souls which are immortal. It's a sobering thought... especially in a society where the emphasis is "all about me". I was saddened to hear that the priest's response when imposing the ashes was different than it has traditionally been. In the "older" rite, the says (in Latin) "Remember man, that thou art dust and to dust thou shalt return". At this Mass, the priest said "Turn away from sin and have faith in the Gospel". Still an important message, but not exactly in sinc with the meaning of the ashes.

I am often asked, or even ridiculed about, the custom of not eating meat on Fridays, or giving something up during Lent. We give up meat because meat was originally a luxury. Meat is now a staple in western diet.. and regardless of prices of either meat or fish, it is commonly more difficult to eat meals while consciously avoiding meat all together. Note to vegetarians... find some other staple in your diet to give up... maybe tofu? We abstain from meat on Fridays... quite simply.. because Christ died on Friday.

As for the giving up of something for Lent... usually people tend to give up their favorite snack foods... it's just simply another small sacrifice we make to remind us of the ultimate sacrifice Christ made of Himself on the cross. It's not mandatory, but it some what defeats the purpose of the Lenten season if we don't sacrifice our own comforts. Let's be happy we are not asked to fast and sacrifice how Christ did... 40 days and 40 nights in the desert. Yikes!!

It always makes me laugh how these small sacrifices seem to bother people. You'd think they were being asked to give up a limb or bleed themselves dry. Like one priest used to say, "there is no Easter Sunday without the carrying of the cross". So let's do what we can... and like to old nuns used to say "offer it up!" :)

Candles - Not just for setting the mood

2010-02-06T20:25:00.005-05:00

Ever since I was a wee lad I have always loved the glow of candle light. Something about it is so much nicer and more relaxing than the standard electric bulb. Maybe it's the taming of a potentially violent and destructive element of nature in order to use it for light and decoration, maybe it's the mystery and romance of a simpler time gone by.. maybe I'm just a nut who likes to play with matches.

Growing up Catholic, I always loved to light candles for prayer intentions at Church... and I still do. When remembering a special prayer intention for a person or petition, I usually light a candle before or after Mass to burn in my absence. I jokingly refer to this practice as sending up a smoke signal to God.. you know, just in case he didn't hear me shouting earlier. I think it's a beautiful and ancient tradition.. and I like the idea of giving something to God... a flame... signifying that He is the light of the world.. our light in the darkness.

As I get older.. creeping closer towards 30... I have become more sensitive to artificial light, and as the hours progress, turn off the electric lights, I replace them with the soft glow of candle light. I have a small "collection" of what are referred to as Fairy Lamps. I have them scattered around the sitting room and bedroom to cast enough light to illuminate the darkness so I don't run into furniture. Oh.. they're pretty too! Can't forget that.

I sometimes use even these little lamps as "smoke signals to God". Each time I light one of the tea lights, which I know will be consumed by the time I go to bed, I offer a prayer with that candle. I might be asking for God's help.. I may be thanking him. I even have lamps which are designated for offering prayers for specific people and their intentions. The purple lamp is for my Grandparents (my one grandmother's birthstone was Amethyst), and the milk glass lamp is for my Mom.. who always had a few pieces of milk glass in the cupboard growing up. Odd how little things imprint themselves on my memory... but then again.. I'm an odd person.

Below, I have copied a nice explanation for the Catholic custom of lighting candles. Why re-invent the wheel after all? This person did a good job explaining the custom.. if you still need more answers, GOOGLE IT! :)

Oh... and so I don't get sued for plagiarism... Special thanks and a shout out to a fellow blogger over at "A Catholic Life"... from whose blog I poached this from.

The Sight of burning votive candles -real or electronic - is common in most Catholic churches. The candles are usually placed before statues of saints or at shrines. But how did this tradition get its start?

According to A Handbook of Catholic Sacramentals, by Ann Ball (Our Sunday Visitor Books), the practice of lighting candles in order to obtain some favor probably has its origins in the custom of burning lights at the tombs of the martyrs in the catacombs. The lights burned as a sign of solidarity with Christians still on earth. Because the lights continually burned as a silent vigil, they became known as vigil lights.

Vigil Lights (from the Latin vigilia, which means "waiting" or "watching") are traditionally accompanied by prayers of attention or waiting. Another common type of candle offering is the votive light. Such an offering is indicative of seeking some favor from the Lord or the saint before which the votive is placed.

Lighting a candle is a way of extending one's prayer and showing solidarity with the person on whose behalf the prayer is offered.

After the 9/11 tragedy, lit candles figured prominently in a televised concert affirming the power of goodness over the darkness of evil. The symbolism was similar to the Catholic custom of lighting candles as a form of prayer.

Source: "St. Anthony Messenger" Septmber 2003, Page 26

In the lighting of candles we remember and truly live the words of Our Lord: "I am the Light of the World." In the lighting of candles we not only pray, but our prayers become smaller symbols of the One Light of Christ. In burning candles, our prayers rise up to Heaven day and night; prayers for the saint's intercession are also common because of their friendship with God in Heaven. Saints are powerful intercessors. The lighting of candles has been observed since the early the time of the early martyrs.

Drinks with the girls!

2010-02-01T13:48:00.003-05:00

Last night I had three friends from work over for snacks and drinks. It's always nice when I can have some company over for a few laughs... well, we certainly had plenty of laughs!!

We played the game "Catch Phrase"... look it up if you've never heard of it.. it's a blast at parties and get togethers!! Two of us had played it before, including myself... two of the girls hadn't. Well, they didn't catch on quickly either. We had some hilarious moments, and then put the game away... their brains needed a time out! :)

It's always a nice break out of the drudgery of the everyday to get together with some friends, and just laugh your ass off!! I needed that!!

Good times.. good friends.. makes life.. well, good!

Hi Mom!

2010-01-27T13:15:00.003-05:00

My mother is getting a little more computer savvy everyday... and using her new knowledge to check up on her four children. So.. she has stumbled across this blog. Here's a shout out to my Mom.

Enough with the Pope Bashing!!!

2010-01-17T15:58:00.006-05:00

I never really intended this blog to be all about Catholicism... nor did I ever expect to take such a defensive stand along with it.... but lately, the media seems to be flooding us with so much Anti-Catholic sentimentality, that I can't help but be a wee bit annoyed at best.

There is a vendetta against anything dealing with the papacy.. past or present. Pope Benedict can't blow his nose without the world glaring at him. Now, to make matters worse, a section of the world's Jewish community are all hot and bothered again because Benedict's predecessor, Pius XII (who reigned during WWII) is under investigation for sainthood.

I have always had a special place in my heart for Judaism, and love the rich symbolism in Jewish tradition and culture. That being said, I am quite saddened by so many in the Jewish community who in the name of unity and brotherhood, so fiercely and incorrectly condemn Pius XII. It's almost as if they need something to yell about. There seems to always be a militant group in any organization that is just never satisfied.

The media want to sell newspapers and magazines.. so controversy assures them of readers. I wish people would do their OWN research before believing everything they see on GOOGLE. We live in a time where research is easier than ever... try doing a little on your own before you believe something you see or hear on the news. Ask yourself what bias the reporter may have.. and in some cases, the bias is blatantly obvious.

Think about it... if Pius XII had just sat by and done nothing in support of the Jews, then WHY did the chief Rabbi of Rome, Israel Anton Zoller convert to Catholicism, and change his name to Eugenio Zolli.... taking the Pope's birth name as his new first name?? Wouldn't he of all people be upset with the Pope if Pius XII had really done nothing??

Pius XII was in a very dangerous position during the war which many critics trivialize. He had no army to defend him and the Vatican except for the Swiss Guard which would have been no match for the German and Italian military. He was also responsible for the well beings of the Catholics in his care living in the German occupied territories who could (and did) suffer as a result of the Vatican's public stance.

Pius XII chose to do his work behind the scenes.. which was not a bad idea. After all, had he spoken out more and directly attacked the Nazis in the way in which modern thinkers believe he should have, he might just as easily be criticized for sticking his nose into the problem and making it worse for the Jews and Catholics in occupied Europe had the Nazis retaliated against his outspokenness.

Instead, Pius XII gave much support to the underground in Europe, and opened the doors of the Vatican and his summer home of Castel Gondolfo to Jewish immigrants and refugees. Had this been discovered, the Vatican would surely have been attacked as it would have been seen as a breach of Vatican neutrality. There are many Jews alive today who were given shelter and refuge in the Vatican museums, and even babies that were born in the Pope's own bedroom in his summer residence of Castel Gondolfo. What world leader during WWII can boast of that type of personal generosity???

Let us not forget that Great Britain did not enter the war because of sympathy for the Jews. The Americans did not enter the war to help the Jews. The allies entered the war because of their own personal safety and interests. There was no battle cry to help save those who were being killed by the Nazis by countries who had the armies to do something about it. And yet, people like to jump down the throat of Pius XII for not doing ENOUGH? How about applauding what he DID manage to accomplish under the constraints he was working under?? No one even makes a peep about Canada who refused to allow Jewish refugees into the country stating that, Canada does not have a Jewish problem, and we do not wish to import one.

Hind sight is always 20/20.. and it's easy to look back knowing what we do now and seeing what could have been done.. what should have been done. I believe that based on what resources he had, Pius XII did a lot to protect his flock as best he could, as well as his Jewish brethren.

Stop reading trash like Hitler's Pope and do some real research of your own. Pius XII was (to my knowledge) the only world leader (spiritual leader) who opened up his own home to Jewish refugees. That in itself makes him a hero because that act alone saved lives.

Oye vey.

Final Semester?

2010-01-15T00:41:00.004-05:00

I have begun what may just be my last semester of grad school. I am SO burnt out... it's not even funny. Thankfully, I've had one of the professors before, and we get along quite well.

This is going to be a very research demanding semester. Will I make it? Will I survive? Will I burn out completely before crossing the finish line? These answers and more on the next episode of SOAP.... oh wait.. wrong show. Stay tuned anyway. :)

Just a thought....

2010-01-08T22:01:00.002-05:00

I have been watching Life without People on the History Channel... and I can't help but notice how much the series focuses on Christian/religious icons as they crumble and decay over time. For example, the Glass Cathedral in California, Christ the Redeemer statue and the Vatican to name a few examples I have been seeing on commericals and on the program itself. What's with the fixation???

Also... why is it that the producers and writers don't feature the Dome of the Rock, or the Kaaba? I am not advocating anti-Islamic sentiments.. but it seems the media tends to leave that group alone when it comes to such blunt examples.

Just for Fun

2010-01-08T20:39:00.003-05:00

Today was my first day back to subbing after the Christmas break... and it was nice to be back in a classroom again. Although the kids really like to test a substitute, they can be a lot of fun too!

Black or White?

2010-01-03T19:16:00.005-05:00

People seem to have a tendency to go to extremes. At the ripe old age of 27, I have found that very few things are black and white. I have always preferred the old saying "the truth lies somewhere in the middle", meaning that the extreme right and extreme left are just that.. extremes. A more sensible approach to topics would seem more rational.

There are staunch opponents to the "middle of the road" attitude. Just google the saying, and you'll find "their" criticisms. It's that tendency to stick to the right or wrong mentality, all or nothing, black or white that frustrates me. What about gray? Do I have to agree 100% with any given topic, or can't I agree to disagree on some parts?

Why am I even mentioning this? I have had some down time in my personal life, so I figured I might browse online bookstores for some new reading material. Not being a fan of fiction (Harry Potter being the only exception), I was debating between another biography or another book on gay history. While browsing the online databases for "gay" subject bestsellers, I was amazed at all the books that dealt with Catholicism in some way. One can guess that none of the titles were supportive of Catholicism... since the official stance of the Church on topics of homosexuality are well known.

I've written about my my Catholic faith and the fact that I'm gay a few times on this blog, though since I don't really know how to tag entries or archive well, you'll just have to search for them if you feel so inclined. What pisses me off (excuse my French) is that both "sides", the Church and the Gay "community", go to extremes when confronting one another. It's this all or nothing scenario all over again... black or white.. no happy middle. For the Church, who officially teaches that homosexuality is not a sin but it is the act which is sinful, has surpassed other fundamentalist denominations in at least acknowledging that being gay is a condition one is born with. Their extreme lies in the fact that they stop their understanding there. There is no next level of understanding that since it is a condition one if born with, it is also not alterable... and since, after all, God cannot create evil... maybe the topic should be re-examined about the sinfulness of committed same sex relations. The Church stands by age old interpretations of sometimes misleading Scriptural passages without really taking into account social norms and understandings of the time. There it is, black and white... so that is how it shall always be.

I see where the Church is coming from, but I disagree with its interpretations.

The other side of the debate sees the Church as being inflexible on topics such as this, therefor, the ENTIRE structure of the Church should be overhauled. This is what irks me most. Some person or persons disagrees on a social teaching of the Church, and then lobbies with all their might to change the entire system of the Church... or at least rally public opinion to believe as they do. Get rid of the Pope, let the clergy marry, ordain women, water down the Mass (even more) to nothing more than a pot-luck dinner, and throw Catholic culture and tradition (what's left of it) out the window.... just keep the label of "Catholic". If all this were done, then dialogue could begin.... or so it is believed.

If we substitute the Church for the government of the United States, one can better see the perspective from which I look at this issue. I love my country, and am very proud to live here. The government and many in power have also kept gay people from certain civil rights. I and other gay and lesbian people didn't all move to Canada. Dialogue and better understanding between both groups has to occur, and then hopefully change will take place. However, for change to happen, there is not a rally call from the Human Rights Campaign to scrap the presidency for a direct democratic system where everything is decided by a majority vote. The state senates are not in danger of being abolished because they are not flocking to grant the citizens of that state same sex unions. Our national traditions, past times and identity aren't being challenged because of certain political topics. Why is this done with Catholicism??

My faith is very strong, and I am thankful for the Church I attend... as flawed as it may be. I would be outraged if the spiritual elements of our prayer lives were sacrificed in order to gain same-sex recognition. I'd argue then that we have lost more than we have gained. I look to the struggling and suffering Anglican Communion which is being ripped apart, not just over the controversies of gay marriage and female ordination, but because their very identity, traditions, prayer lives and theology have been in a constant state of rapid change and flux. It is called a "sanctuary" for a reason after all. Faith and accompanying expressions of that faith are very important to people, and bring us together as a community. Once that community is tampered with to fit the political awareness of the times, irreparable damage can be done.

I am so thankful to Pope Benedict for the work he is doing to slowly restore our Catholic identity, customs and expressions of faith that have inspired us for generations, and which we have lost since the turmoil of the 60's and 70's. When it comes to political and social topics like homosexuality, I respectfully agree to disagree. I am no more willing to denounce my faith than I am my citizenship.... after all, there is nothing in the Mass or the prayer life of the Church that is anti-gay. You trim the branches of the tree, not cut it down.

As long as people keep clinging to extremes and insisting on all or nothing, black and white only, there will never be fruitful dialogue. Such stances only serve to widen the gap between sides, and foster misunderstanding. Get over it already... live and let live.

No, things are not always black and white, all wrong or all right. Sometimes, the middle of the spectrum has a better sense of reality than the extreme left or right. There is black.. and there is white... but there are also a million shades of gray.

*gets off soap box*

Review of 2009

2009-12-31T17:55:00.003-05:00

On New Year's Eve, I enjoy making a small list of the positives and negatives of the outgoing year. It makes for a nice reflection on the year which is about to leave us, and gives one something to ponder when anticipating the new year. I often remind myself that even though the negative events of the year may have brought some amount of pain, emotional and or physical, they give the opportunity for personal growth.

Negatives of 2009

Aunt Karen dies at the age of 53 from Multiple Symptom Atrophy
Flat tire on Niagara Falls Blvd.
Multiple Car repairs (general maintenance, but still costly)
One of my Fall courses was anything but enjoyable.
The death of an old friend of the family.
The summer course from HELL.
I couldn't even get ONE interview for a teaching position.
Anne breaking her pelvis and having to stay in the nursing home.
Another holiday season at Walmart (shudder)
The death of Mrs. Piskor
Dad struggling with his insurance to get his full comp money from disability (which is still going on)
My weight gain.

Positives of 2009

The birth of my nephew Collin
Getting a job as a substitute teacher in two districts to add to my teaching experience for my resume.
My Dad getting a good report from the heart doctor.
Getting to share another year with my best friend Anne.
Surviving another Walmart holiday thanks to some great friends/co-workers
The numerous happy hour visits to Q with Bob.
With the exception of some nagging colds (which is standard for me), I have been in good health, and have avoided the swine flu... even though there have been cases in the schools I was teaching in. Deo Gratias!

I am thankful for the graces I have received in this past year, and even during the rough times, I am thankful for the family and friends who helped get me through them. I look forward to 2010 and all the possibilities it holds!

Return to Normalcy

2009-12-31T00:44:00.003-05:00

I used to always promise I would keep the Christmas decorations up until the Epiphany (Three Kings Day) which is January 6th. This marks the official end of the Christmas season according to the Church's Liturgical calendar. I have never once made it to January 6th.. in fact... I don't think I have ever left the decorations up past New Year's Day.

This year was no exception. I took down the tree and packed away the decorations tonight (or late late last night depending on the time stamp of this entry). As much as I look forward to decking the halls, I equally dread the looming tasking of un-decking them. Un-decking the halls holds none of the excitement of it's counter-part, and thus makes it much more work-like. Knowing I have this daunting task to perform, I'm eager to get the job over and done with as soon as the time presents itself.

There is a certain sense of refreshment that comes along with packing up the holiday decor. I like to steal Warren G. Harding's campaign slogan for this time of year, which I refer to as our "return to normalcy". Harding used the term to refer to a returned focus on American isolation from European affairs immediately following WWI... I use it in reference to our recovery from the Holiday hurricane which sweeps through our homes and lives. No more baking, shopping or dealing with nasty people in the stores. It's a time when we can kick back and enjoy the calm of the ordinary. I always find it quite a refreshing change of pace.

As I put the joy, excitement and headaches of this holiday season behind me... I enjoy the calm and comfort of the everyday.... the return to normalcy. New knick-knacks gifted to me on Christmas are slowly finding their ways to the shelves and tables while old things get packed away or discarded. New clothes get put in the dresser and closet as old ones get donated or thrown out. It's an interesting transition really... perfect for New Year's.... examining the old, incorporating the new, and adjusting to what change there is while clinging to the reassurance of the familiar.

One of the many nice things about living in Western New York is the change in seasons. By the time you are sick of one season, the next is on its way. The same can be said for holidays. Just when you've had enough of one holiday season, there is a little down time before you get all excited for the next to arrive. It mixes things up a bit... keeps life from getting stale.

Too casual??

2009-12-27T15:41:00.004-05:00

One of the things I love about the time immediately following Christmas is trying out all the new clothes I got from "Santa", or perhaps the ones I may have purchased with gift cards or from the many sales that occur this time of year. I was gifted with a beautiful new peacoat (I love a good double breasted coat!), as well as several button down shirts, and even a few vests for work. I just love getting "dressed up", and will use any excuse to do so... in fact, when I was a kid, I used to say I wanted a job where I could wear a shirt and tie everyday... and teaching gives me that opportunity... though sadly, many in my profession (mostly the lucky full time bunch) have opted for a much more casual attire.

As I look around during holidays at what people are wearing, I have to ask myself the question, when did we become so casual? It wasn't long ago that women would not dream of going outside without a pair of gloves on, or a man without a button down shirt and hat (note I said hat.. not cap.. there is a difference). It seems that almost over night, we as a society have moved from one extreme to the other. As my Grandmother used to tell me, "I wouldn't have even walked to the mailbox without a girdle on", and now people go to the store in their pajamas. It's quite sad really. We seem to have lost the appreciation for presentation, and confused sloppiness with comfort.

When I was a wee lad in the late 80's, men still would don a tie at least for special occasions such as attending Church, weddings, Christmas and Easter. Even those rare occasions for "dressing up" have declined in importance. Blue jeans are the standard uniform for any and all occasions, and ties are seen as mostly obsolete and oppressive. Dresses on women? Archaic.

There are a few of us who don't mind bucking the system, and still ponder "what to wear?" when going out. The professional and formal are still part of our attire, as is the relaxed and informal. I am always delighted to see someone in my age group (late 20's) who has the guts to wear a suit, and even a hat (the guy in the photo is from a chat group I belong to... and though I don't know him personally, felt this photo proved I am not alone in the world). I once heard a similarly minded priest (in his early 30s) refer to such people as "young fogeys". That title still makes me laugh.

Perhaps to many I sound arrogant or worldly, but I would have to ask the question, "What's wrong with making everyday a bit of a special occasion?". Have we "progressed" so far that pajamas and hoodies are the hallmarks of American street wear? I don't know.. I'm certainlly not Queer Eye or Joan Rivers... just a young fogey. I doubt it has little to do with the cost of clothing... whether you're on a budget or not is irrelevant. -- When was the last time you looked at the price tag of decent hoodie?

Regardless of where you are in the casual versus formal debate, there is something to be said for the craftsmanship and quality of the styles of yester year and the disposable nature of today's garments.

Maybe I have simply watched the Harry Potter movies one too many times, and become obsessed with the neat robes that the adult characters and teachers wear, that when I head off to work, I'm snapped back to reality that a tie can make me seem grossly out of place. Oh well, if I ever get a job teaching at Hogwarts, I'll know what to wear!

Merry Christmas

2009-12-24T13:00:00.003-05:00

As I write this post on Christmas Eve, I am thinking of all the loose ends that need to be finished before tonight's festivities.... preparing food for tomorrow, wrapping last minute packages.... There is a lot of excitement about the approaching Christmas celebration, but I'm trying to keep in my heart the real meaning of this feast day.

I am all for beautiful Christmas trees, and a modest gift exchange. It's fun and exciting... it is a celebration after all.... but it's not the trees and the gifts and the dinners which we celebrate. We celebrate the fest of the Incarnation... the word which was made flesh and dwelt among us.

Working in retail during this season makes one too aware of how hectic and chaotic Christmas has become... how worldly, selfish and secular. Think for a moment how you would feel if it was your Birthday and all the people you loved were busy buying presents, decorating and making fancy meals..... then forgot to include you in the celebration. You'd probably be heart broken. Imagine how much more Our Lord feels when we have turned His Birthday into just another reason to shop and get frustrated.

Enjoy your celebrations with your family and friends, but don't forget to include the very special guest of honor this year. Don't just visit Him at Church to "get it over with" then go on with the holiday as if He didn't matter. Keep Him in your hearts, and have a very Merry CHRISTmas!!

Fiesta continued...

2009-12-17T22:54:00.006-05:00

So I was browsing online and noticed that the discontinued color of Fiestaware that I had my heart set on was selling for WAY too much money to ever realistically get a complete set. One or two dinner plates sells for over $20. I stopped by the Bon-Ton today and fell in love with the Shamrock color.... and guess what... they were 50% off!!!!

So.. as a surprise, my Mom offered to buy me the set for my Birthday and Christmas of NEXT year... hahahaha. So, I went back to the Bon-Ton, and picked up a basic 5 piece serving set for 12 people. Ooooo yea! Opening a Bon-Ton charge saved me.. well, Mom.. an extra 10%.

So, from now on, Mom will be drawing little green dishes inside blank cards for the next few holidays as a reminder of what she bought me. :) But... when that magical day happens... I'll have dishes ready to serve meals to my guests... oh... and to myself too!

Fiestaware

2009-12-16T12:02:00.003-05:00

Anyone who knows me well knows I am obsessed with all things vintage. I had been debating starting to stock pile dishes for the magical day I get a full time teaching position and am able to finally move out on my own. I always dreamed of having a green and white kitchen... mint green... jadite... shades like that. I do have a few pieces of Fire King jadite tea cups and saucers but have recently fallen in love with the Fiestaware Chartreuse color (who came up with that name???) which is pretty close to the lighter shades of green that I love so much.

Of course, the color I love was retired back in the 50s, and was remade for only two years in the late 90s which makes finding pieces hard, and the pieces one can find... pricey. I found a teapot online and am seriously holding back from buying it..... with the expenses of the holidays, I can't justify the purchase.

Eventually I think I will start buying a few pieces here and there... starting with the teapot which I can actually use... then when and if I ever can move out on my own.. I will have some dishware to use when company comes to visit. :)

Prayer Request

2009-11-29T22:18:00.002-05:00

If I may, I'd like to ask any of the readers out there to please say a prayer for my dearest friend, Anne. Though we are far apart in years (she is 81), she has been my closest friend and confidant for over a decade. She has been suffering lately with heart problems, and has to make an appointment for an angiogram to see just what is going on.

Thank you!

I survived!

2009-11-29T18:28:00.003-05:00

Yes, I made it through the blackest Friday of the year unscathed. It was not easy getting up at 3am to be to work at 4am, but I managed... and thanks to some green tea pills, I got a boost of energy with which to confront the onslaught of customers I knew awaited me.

I was stationed outside my little world in the Photo Lab to sell laptops in Lawn and Garden. I had no idea how this whole thing was going to work.. few of us did. To my relief, I found some of my good friends were stationed back there with me.. safety in numbers!

Since the store was open for 24 hours to avoid the massive rush of people at 5am which resulted in the death of a NYC employee last year, shoppers were able to line up in the store for their designated big sale item, and were given tickets to ensure them they would be getting said product. I had the distinct pleasure of cashing out laptops and various other items they had picked up in their many hours in the store waiting for the magical moment of the 5am sale time... I cashed for over an hour. Yea, good times.

Thankfully, I spent the rest of my shift in Lawn and Garden, directing customers and making sure no one escaped through our back doors.. with unpaid merchandise. It was fairly quiet back there.. especially in comparison to the insanity of the rest of the store. Since there were SO many associates scheduled to work from 4am to 1pm, I was not in danger of being pulled from my black Friday sanctuary.

The worst part for me was how cold and damp it was in that department, especially with the freight doors open. It ended up really messing up my lower back (I have sciatica)... and by the time I got home, I needed my Mom to bring my cane out to me so I could get out of my car. I still get shooting pains every now and then... but that should pass.

Thankfully, I survived yet another black Friday!

Turkey Day

2009-11-26T10:46:00.002-05:00

Wishing all of you out there in Cyber-land a very happy and healthy Thanksgiving. Remember, as we over eat today, to take time to be thankful for the bounty of food we have, the family and friends in our lives... those with us around the table, and those in our hearts.

Head. Wall. Ouch.

2009-11-22T22:31:00.004-05:00

So what have I been up to? Let's see. I've been working quite a bit, and yet still in debt. Still subbing twice a week... and working the retail Hell that is Walmart.

Today was a nice cross section of my life as a whole. I woke up rather sick, and missed morning Mass, so went to Mass at the other Latin Mass location at 1:30pm (an example of just not being able to get moving). Started typing my 20 page paper on the National Association of Colored Women, and had to walk away after one and three quarters pages because I just don't have the stamina to sit and pound out a paper like I used to. I was rejected for a date, and failed to secure a sub position for tomorrow (this being Thanksgiving week, I only have two days to try and get sub work).

So I'm a wee bit frustrated with the current state of affairs... Normally I would have the holiday to look forward to, but dinner doesn't start until 6pm, and I have to be UP at 3am to work a 4-1pm shift on the worst day of the year... Black Friday.

Oh yes. Good times.

Pray for Priests Kit

2009-11-19T16:18:00.003-05:00

Pope Benedict XVI has designated this year as "the year of the priests". After all the reported abuses by the clergy, I think it is an excellent idea to commit more of our prayer time for the intentions of priests, as well as for more HOLY vocations. The scandals of the past years have hurt not only countless lay people, but also the clergy themselves. There are many many good men in the priesthood who now suffer from the constant attacks, jokes and criticisms by the popular culture because of the errors of others. I know many priests who have been verbally assaulted in public for wearing their Roman collars, and called all sorts of names... for something they never did.

I was made aware of this "prayer kit" from another blog that I follow. It contains a reminder to us to pray for priests, as well as a simple card you can send to your local priest/pastor telling him that he is in your prayers, and that you support him. Believe me.. now more than ever, they can use the encouragement!

The kit can be purchased at: Pray for a Priest -- Naturally though, you could come up with your own card or token of affection for that special spiritual Father in your life... this is but one option.

The "priest jokes" not only are hurtful to those of us who are Catholic.. but should be hurtful to those of us who are gay. These jokes are only a stone's throw away from gay bashing, which is indeed the undertone of such jokes about the "priest and the altar boy". A reminder to my gay readers out there: People who live in glass houses shouldn't throw stones. Discrimination, hate and cruelty should never be accepted... even if it's against a group with whom you do not agree.

*steps down from soap box*

All Soul's Day

2009-11-02T13:51:00.004-05:00

Today is the feast of All Souls. A time to remember our friends and loved ones who have died. As we remember and pray for those who have gone before us, let us also be mindful of those departed who have no one left to pray for the repose of their souls. It is a great spiritual work of mercy to pray for the dead, especially those for whom no one remains to remember.

If possible, visit your local cemetery and pray for those buried there. There is a beautiful custom of volunteering to help clean up and preserve graves which have been neglected. True, the deceased soul no longer resides in the shell buried in those graves, but it is out of respect for life and the dignity of the person that we honor their memories, and the body which was once the temple of those souls.

Eternal rest grant unto them O Lord, and may perpetual light shine upon them. May they and all the souls of the faithful departed through the mercy of God rest in preace. Amen.

Halloween

2009-10-31T16:16:00.003-04:00

Wishing you all a frightfully fun Halloween!!!

Louis Armstong Skeleton in the Closet, 1936

2009-10-25T20:00:00.001-04:00

The Future of Holidays

2009-10-11T11:10:00.004-04:00

Every October there seems to arise some controversy as to whether or not public schools should be permitted to celebrate Halloween. While it's true that Halloween has roots in religious belief systems, some coming from older "pagan" cultures, and some traditions coming from older Christian traditions, to the majority of the American people, it is nothing more than a quirky secular holiday. (Click here to see my previous post on the history of Halloween)

It's sad that schools where children are supposed to be taught about multiple cultures, perspectives, and learn about appreciating diversity are now the places of forced sterilization of culture. If something is seen as different from one local ethnic or religious group, protests begin that "it".. whatever custom "it" might be.. should be purged from the school calendar and from practice. This means that everything from Jack-o-lanterns, Christmas trees and Carols to Easter eggs are going the way of dinosaurs in our public schools. Is this a positive or negative trend? Are we helping or hurting our children?

Coming from a Social Studies teaching background, I'm a big fan of multiple diversities and customs being expressed within the classroom. Many of our schools have become a mini United Nations over the past few decades, with multiple ethnic and religious groups merging in districts that were once quite ethnocentric. As teachers, we are encouraged to celebrate all cultures and traditions when possible, rather than just reserving diversity to the "little blue box" in pages of the text book.. separating that information from the mainstream text, or by having "multi-cultural days" spread out throughout the school year.

Instead of eliminating these holidays and observances which have been part of the traditions of our schools and country for so many year, let's use these holidays to educate the students about the origins and history of these observances, tracing their roots back throughout the history of our country, and the countries from which they came. Instead of removing holidays like Christmas because of the religious undertone, why not add MORE holidays and festivities to the calendar? Celebrate Hanukkah, Kwanzaa, Yom Kippur, Ramadan, and any other observances that may reflect the cultural make up of the students in the school. Holidays are wonderful ways to TEACH children about different cultures and the people who celebrate them. Having a Christmas tree in a school doesn't mean the children are forced to worship in a Christian Church, but serves as an example of another cultural aspect that makes up our nation.

How can we teach diversity and respect for other cultures when we constantly protest to have the very expressions of those cultures removed from public life? Appreciate diversity, and celebrate it!

Discouraged

2009-10-07T12:21:00.001-04:00

When I talk with other substitutes, I realize how truly desolate the job arena is here in WNY, especially for teachers. It's a depressing and frightening reality to face. :(
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Respect

2009-09-19T14:11:00.002-04:00

What gives anyone the right to talk to strangers the way they do? When did society become so uncharitable as to act like it does on an everyday basis? "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you" seems to be nothing more than a cliche.

Maybe it's road rage, a death in the family, loss of a job or sickness that has people in such a foul mood... giving them the excuse to curse and hollar at the cashier who is only trying to do his or her job and make a living. Maybe that person feels powerless in their own life and needs to dominate someone else, and put them down so that he or she can feel in control of life.... if only for a moment. Is this right? No.. it's not.

For all of societies advances in science and technology, our morality and compassion has taken a collective leap backwards. Perhaps someone, somewhere, will read this post or something like it in Dear Abby, and stop to give pause to reflect on their own actions. I hope that reflection is more than just a passing thought before returning to the callous world of human interaction.

Gay Education

2009-09-16T19:43:00.002-04:00

This should seriously be shown in school classrooms so we can perhaps hinder raising more close-minded bigots who can only spout the same old rhetoric we hear time and time again. I think people in general need to be better educated on homosexuality... there in lies the REAL gay rights movement.

Diocese of Portland Controversy

2009-09-13T16:17:00.003-04:00

Yes... I have read about the Diocese of Portland (Maine) asking it's parishioners to donate money to help repeal the allowance of gay marriages in the state... and YES, I disagree with their stance. HOWEVER... this is what I mean about my separation of Catholic prayer and Catholic politics. No where in Mass this morning (in the missal itself) was homosexuality condemned. If any one does say something negative about it, it is from individuals.. not from the Gospels.. or from the Roman Missal.

Also... let's not forget we live in a Democracy/Republic.. not a dictatorship. Those people who disagree with gay marriage have just as much right to lobby against it as supporters do for it. Otherwise, what rights would we really have?? You can't take away some one's right to vote, lobby, and petition just because it does not coincide with your political position. Be very happy my vote/opinion is not the only one that matters!

Enough said. Hopefully.

Thought Bubble

2009-09-11T02:11:00.002-04:00

It's amazing how a simple tune brings back so many feelings and emotions.... and/or brings us back to another time and place.

It wasn't all that long ago really, but when I stop and think about it... it's seems like a whole different life time. Perhaps it was.

Bipolar Disorder

2009-09-10T18:53:00.001-04:00

I have had some friends and even family members who suffer from Bipolar disorder. Like any mental disorder, it's not an easy thing to live with. Meds help, but there is still the daily struggle the person faces each day.

I personally am Bipolar II.. A less severe version. I still have the mood swings, but thankfully, not to the extreme of full blown sufferers.

In addition to the mood shifts, I have found the fixation aspect of the disorder to be extremely difficult. Did you ever hear the expression "once you get something stuck in your head, it stays there"? That would be me. Once I have a concept I'm interested in (good or bad), I HAVE to figure it out before I can really relax. This means loss of sleep, constant re-examining, and day dreaming trying to work the situation out. I can lead to being productive, but the real problem is when you can't turn it off. Talk about annoying.

The human mind is an amazing thing. No matter how we try to convince ourselves to think and feel one way, our minds tend to win in the tug of war of emotion.
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